Life on the hill: 2009

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Be not the slave of your own past...

Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old. Ralph Waldo EmersonThe other I went looking for inspirational quotes. I like a lot of Emerson's and have comfort often in his words. the above one jumped out at me like a beacon. So I have decided I need to put it everywhere... to remind myself. Its all good and well to have inspirational...

ask and it is given

When things started going pear shaped (to put it lightly!) a good friend of mine recommend a book Ask and it is given. It is basically about the law of attraction and how we manifest our own desires, and if we arent truely in harmony with those desires then they don't manifest. My biggest problem is that I know that I want, but because I live in a constant state of impending doom, waiting for the next disaster to happen, I self sabatoge those desires. Over the last week I have been consistentlyh...

a change in pespective

Last night as I sat feeling sorry for myself - lost alone and very sad, I started trawling through other peoples blogs. Usually when I have done this I get lots of blogs about peoples hobbies, and chit chat. but last night blog after blog came up about peoples stories about how they survive in the midst of sickness, having children with disabilities, people living with disabilities themselves...and all of them - in spite of, or even because of - had such positivity that I felt more then a little...

moving on...

I think its time for a new start. which means moving. which means sorting through three years of accumulated crap. right at the moment I cant see a way out of this forest I am in -so I think the best place to start is by cleaning away the debris, and a path will open up and I will find my way out, one step at a ti...

this rollercoaster ride just never seems to end...

I haven't blogged for months, because all I have had to say is more of the same. The roller coaster has been never ending. Just when I think I have come to the end, the ride doesn't stop but speeds on up. I hit the wall massively on Saturday evening, and with it comes the realisation that if I dont put myself first I'm going to end up in hospital. My PTSS is rife, and I'm currently feeling disassociated. Like I'm here watching myself. I can't remember conversations, i'm shaking all the time again,...

its the little things...

Yesterday I just wrote the day off. Had horrible period pain, and was feeling miserable about all that has been going on. About 3pm I decided enough was enough, and got in the kitchen with Laura and started baking for the week. We made choc chip cookies, jam drops, apricot and coconut chocolate slice, chocolate choc chip muffins, quiche and popcorn. small things, but I oddly felt like I had actually achieved something for the first time in ages!!! Felt like a mummy, and I havent felt like anything...

new beginnings

That is what I'm on the eve of - new beginnings. And instead of feeling excited, elated, amazed.... I just feel empty and sad, and overwhelmed.After a horrendous week full of anger and hurt I asked DH to move out. That we couldn't keep doing this dance where everyone was getting hurt. On Monday I completely lost it and the horrible ugly Vicky that I thought I had buried forever exploded out of the volcano with such a terrible force that I am still reeling from it. On tuesday, Laura came undone,...

living with someone who has adhd

the other evening our little boy (2.5years) fell asleep early, on the lounge in theplay room with the big ones watching a film. DH carried him out to lounge room,and placed him on the matteress that he is currently sleeping on. He said to me,"he is so peaceful" and was misty eyed. He then said to me - I never noticedbefore now... he was just asleep for me. I know you "see" these things all thetime.."I really hadn't realised just how much DH had been missing out on.He went outside for a little while,...

busy busy busy

I just realised that it has been nearly a month since I last blogged. and so much has happened. I have been incredibly busy with uni, trying desperately to catch up with all the backlog of work that has happened becuase the world tipped upside down. slowly getting through it, and looking forward to a three week break at the end of May. Hopefully next term will not be as chaotic...Things are settling down. DH is on medication for the ADHD, and after some tweaking, he seems to be on the appropriate...

Ask and it is given

I'm reading a book... in the moments that I can grab for myself called that. Ask and it is given. Based on the Law of attraction. So far it hasn't said anything that I didn't already believe, but its good to get a reminder, and start PRACTISING it.Still in fake it till I make it mode... but unfortunately I physically hit the wall on Thursday night. It had been building, so I shouldnt be surprised, but I always are. I keep going and going and going until my body says RIGHT, if you are not going to...

Every cloud has a silver lining....

Several days ago I really wouldnt have thought that was even a possible thought to think! But today has been a good day - and I am shifting perspective... from focussing on what is so crap at the moment, to what is positive and good. In the hope that it will lift my soul.The last couple of weeks really have been horrendous, with one thing after another happening - first R attempting suicide, then Nathan accidently breaking the mower to the point of irrepairable, then the looming deadline for assessments...

Taking care of business

I went to the doctor on Wednesday and lost the plot... just cried and cried. In order to change medication that will control both the PTSS and Anxiety I have to come off my current one over a two week period, before I can start a new one. This is just not possible right now. I know if I even attempted it I would end up in a screaming heap. So we have compromised and she has given me another medication to control the effects of the PTSS - namely the feeling like a over tightened spring... in full...

Sometimes you really cant see the forest for the trees...

Its true.I feel like I asked for some guidance from the universe - and I came home after being at my sister-in law's birthday. I had an incredible and revealing conversation with one of her friends - revealing to noone but me... but revealing none the less. All she did was ask me about my children, and what were the best things I have done with my children, what were the worst... and I realised that I am doing right now what is possibly the worse. and that I need to do something.I am feeling increbily...

lights are on but there is no one home....

I realised this morning that for the last week I have been living in a fog. My body is going through the necessary survival things - to a minimum. I'm moving through the day but forgetting things... like - put a prescription in to the chemist - and forgot to go and pick it up. have been asked for various things like tweezers, cotton buds by my sister in law - have responded - yep will go and get them, then then completely forget. and these are only the things i remember right now. what else have...

eating an elephant - again

I havent blogged for a while. there has been so much going on in my life. my relationship has been falling apart rapidly - DH hurt his back at work just over two weeks ago, badly, and has been in a lot of pain. it has added tremendous stress to our relationship, which was already falling apart.On sunday it reach boiling point, with DH attempting suicide. We had an argument, where I stated quite clearly to him that I could no longer do this dance that has been going on for years - but worse in the...

I think I can... I think I can... I think I can....

That's what the little red wagon says isnt it as it chugs up the steep incline?My head is absolutely spinning. from excitement, and fear, and a little bit of sadness....I'm excited because I recommenced my uni degree for teaching this week. I went to meet my mentor teacher at the school where I will be doing my prac for this year. It is a tiny little school p-10, with the "high school" being 7,8,9,10 totalling 56 kids. I will be there on a Monday afternoon, and Tuesday mornings. Monday's I will...

I had such a beautiful weekend. My lovely friend Gill, and her two gorgeous daughters came to stay. Eden and Aston played so wonderfully all weekend - even without sleeps! Ivy, who is now just over six weeks, is such a precious little thing. It was so lovely to sit and watch her gaze into her mother's eyes, a love so deep and complete. I was lucky enough to have lots of cuddles, and feel that ache that only holding a new born can bri...

Its the little things...

Yesterday and today have been physically hard as I have not had much sleep. Wednesday night after a fantastic day, I went to bed at my usual time - 11.45pm, after trying to get to sleep for an hour, my nose was driving me nuts, and I was coughing, I decided to get up and at least one of would get some sleep! Had a cold and flu tablet, and a hot water with honey, and laid down on the lounge to watch some tv while I waited for the drugs to kick in. ended up watching the part one of a miniseries called...

when the sun shines in your heart

I have had such a wonderful day today. I did some shopping this morning, and picked up some great bargains. New pair of shoes for me, a present for my mother's birthday, and a kitchen for Aston. Then I had coffee with a gorgeous friend and her 8month old little girl. Was great to catch up with her. After that I went an had a long lunch with another girlfriend. We sat and chatted for nearly 3 hours! And then... when I went to pick Aston up from play school, the director approached me about doing...

onward and upward...

Feeling rather ordinary, but have had an easy day with the kids at school, and Aston at "play" school. Tried to sleep during the day, but my head and face hurt to much, so I just watched mindless stuff on tv, which was good, as my brain wasn't functioning all that well.Even though my body is feeling rather ordinary, my head space is feeling better then it has in a while. I got my time table for Uni today, and have a lecture and tutorial on a Wednesday, and Thursday. Will have to do a bit of juggling...

About six months ago a friend told me about a community organisation called EMMA (Educating, Mentoring Mothering Adolescents) for 15 - 21yo first time mums. Its run by an Organsition called http://www.lifebridge.com.au/emma.html I was really interested in finding out more about it. Its been floating around in my head since I heard about it. 2 weeks ago I sent an email enquiring about how I can help. Yesterday someone called me, and I am going to become a mentor. I'm really excited about this. And...

what i did today

I have felt lately that the days all mesh into each other, so I have decided to make a note of what I achieved during the day...After a fairly sleepless night with the little man - I got up at 8am, and decided to jump in the shower, in the hope that I would make me feel wide awake!! Made the bed, got dressed, and had a cup of tea. Threw 2 loads of washing on, and then played with the little man for most of the morning. Duplo, followed by sandpit, and a big walk down the driveway to the creek. At...

there are no ordinary moments

With all the bushfires going on in Victoria, and the floods in north Queensland it has caused me to think about what is important to me. In the event that there was a fire what would I take? I lay in bed the other night and mentally went through the house looking and evaluating things.... in the end the only things I would take with me, other then my children of course, are their memory boxes, and the photos I have of them (which now living in the digital age, mean taking the computer because that's...

needing matchsticks...

After such a lovely evening last night, the change of weather has turned on my boys. Nathan has asthma, and I think that Aston will eventually be diagnosed with it as well. Nathan has been wheezy for the last couple of days - the fact that he won't manage his asthma contributes to this. He is at an age where if he pretends he doesn't have it, then maybe he won't.... which makes it rather interesting at times. The change in the weather from hot and humid, the cooler and humid has no doubt been the...

the simple things in life are free

I'm never ceased to be amazed at how much joy my children can bring me. The blessing that is Aston means that my big kids Laura and Nathan can stay in the innocence of childhood just a little longer then if Aston wasn't around. He makes them laugh, and play and wonder in delight just like him. I love it.This evening after dinner we went out to the back yard to see Jake, our german shephard cross 2 year old puppy. He is two weeks older then Aston. We brought him when Aston was 6 weeks old - yep that's...

Leaf out of a friends book....

I had started a blog on BellyBelly, a parenting forum that I have been a part of since I was pregnant with Aston in 2006. I was going to copy the entries that I had made to that blog over, but on reading them I decided against it. This is a new start, and new page, and I don't want to fill it up with negativity, or sadness. That is what seems to dominate my last blog. Sadness. Is it because I only write when I feel sad, lost, alone, and trying to make sense of my surroundings? There seems to have...