Life on the hill: 2009

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Be not the slave of your own past...

Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old. Ralph Waldo Emerson

The other I went looking for inspirational quotes. I like a lot of Emerson's and have comfort often in his words. the above one jumped out at me like a beacon. So I have decided I need to put it everywhere... to remind myself. Its all good and well to have inspirational quotes, but if you dont inhale them into your being there is no point.

We have had sickness in our house again since last Thursday. First Aston, then I started feeling unwell on Sunday, and so was Nathan, but he decided not to tell me. Trouble was that what he wasn't telling me was that he was coughing up blood! He stayed at home on Monday, and I had to leave him at home by himself while I ran R around to appointments and do some christmas shopping. I felt like I was walking through cement most of the day. My nose was running non stop, my body ached, and I wanted to be anywhere but out! Bed being the preferred option.

About the only good thing that came out of the running around, other then getting some christmas shopping done, was I was at the pyshciatrist with R. And it was a very interesting appointment. The Doctor was very blunt with him, and told him that he was pissing him about, and if that he (the doctor) was going to be able to help him manage his mental health problems then he needed to see R alot more often then he had been. The last few appointments R has cancelled, and there was one where I was driving him to it, and after coping verbal abuse for most of the journey, when we got to the exit to go to where the doctor is I turned around and told him to call the doctor because I didnt have to put up with his abuse.

No surprise, R didnt tell that to the Doctor, but he is no fool, and called him on a lot of his behaviours. And I had the opportunity to express what I was feeling, and where I was at, as far as my own health, and what I viewed R and mine relationship as. I'm glad I had that opportunity - to speak it in front of a third party, because R doesnt listen. He hears and believes what he wants to hear and believe. and so the dance goes on!!

Tuesday, I was feeling worse, and I decided that seeing as how Aston is also HIS son, that he could take some responsibility and help me out, so I called him to come and get him and take him to daycare. While I was waiting for him to arrive to pick up Aston, Nat's school called "did you know that Nathan's is coughing up blood?" Well you can imagaine the panic attack I then had... Like yeah right - I send my kids to school when they are coughing up blood so that someone else can deal with it!! I rang R back and told him, and he picked Nat up from school, and we took him to the doctor. He has bronchitis, and is on antibiotics, and seems to be on the improve. He is disappointed because I wont let him go to school - but my hyperviglent mode has kicked in big time. I have had him sleeping in my bed so that I can hear him. He has been wheezing a lot, but assures me that the blood has stopped. hmmmm.

I'm still feeling ordinary - worse then ordinary. Its an effort to get up from bed to walk down the hallway, and do anything at all. I am going to the doctor myself this afternoon, my whole body is aching, especially my chest and back.

In all of this R has been behaved, and done alot for me - but as per usual it comes at a price. This morning he made a comment that really annoyed me, so I disengaged the conversation. I could focus on it, be incredibily pointless though.

I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon, and hopefully I either just have the flu and ride it out, or need some drugs and will get better. and hopefully R will pull his head and not carry on like he is doing me the biggest favour in the world!

ask and it is given

When things started going pear shaped (to put it lightly!) a good friend of mine recommend a book Ask and it is given. It is basically about the law of attraction and how we manifest our own desires, and if we arent truely in harmony with those desires then they don't manifest. My biggest problem is that I know that I want, but because I live in a constant state of impending doom, waiting for the next disaster to happen, I self sabatoge those desires. Over the last week I have been consistentlyh trying to to push those negative energies and emotions out of my mind, and allowing only good thoughts, desires and needs to enter. when I feel that negativity chasing quickly behind my positive thoughts I self talk saying that I'm living in this moment right now. And as a result change has started to happen. I joined a new forum called Family Capers, that has a whole lot of professional support people on board, in all sorts of areas. It has an incredibly postive outlook, and is very focussed on finding the joy in your life. I entered a competition, with the prize being able to access a joy coach. sounds odd probably, but it is what I need right now to keep me on track. This woman believes what I believe, and better still LIVES it. and that is what I want to assistance in, in howing to live it. And I won. I asked for guidance and assistance, and it has arrived.

The gaping hole that I thought I come between my daughter and I has started to mend, with her allowing me to comfort her last night after she woke from bad dreams, letting me lay with her and stroke her head. Even better, this morning she let me hug her. I haven't damaged all the hard work I have put into my children, I just had a bump in the road.

I am disengaging successfully from R's delusions, for the benefit of my own sanity and health. I need to rest and rebuild and recoup and become strong before I am able to confront him with MY TRUTH, and MY PLANS, which don't include him. It is pointless trying to converse with someone who only hears and believes what they want to believe, so I have actively and consciously decided not to. Regardless of what I say, he comes to his own conclusions anyway. Doing this one thing alone has stopped depleted me of my energy, and allowing me to come back slowly from the state of hyperviglence and anxiety that I yet again found myself in.

I'm allowed to be happy. I'm allowed to be treated with respect and kindness. In fact I deserve it. And so begins the journey to live my life with joy, and to learn to manifest my desires.

a change in pespective

Last night as I sat feeling sorry for myself - lost alone and very sad, I started trawling through other peoples blogs. Usually when I have done this I get lots of blogs about peoples hobbies, and chit chat. but last night blog after blog came up about peoples stories about how they survive in the midst of sickness, having children with disabilities, people living with disabilities themselves...and all of them - in spite of, or even because of - had such positivity that I felt more then a little shame faced.

It sat with me all night. in my dreams, and in my first awakening. Bad things happen to good people. Its how you deal with it that is the fundamental difference between sitting and wallowing in self pity and recrimination, or embracing the difficulties life throws at us and smiling through it. I'm sure that all of those people I read about have bad days as well... but they CHOOSE to keep on fighting the good fight. They CHOOSE to see the beauty in the situations they have found themselves in.

I started doing the Moodgym - an online help program for people suffering from depression, and one thing stood out to me hugely. What you think is What you feel. If I think that its all too hard, then I will feel like its all too hard. If I think that today is a new day full of possibilities then I will feel like its a day new full of possibilities. I am responsibile for how I feel, I am responsible for my own happiness.

And I am also responsible for whether I let other peoples problems and unhappiness fall on me, or slide off me.

moving on...

I think its time for a new start. which means moving. which means sorting through three years of accumulated crap. right at the moment I cant see a way out of this forest I am in -so I think the best place to start is by cleaning away the debris, and a path will open up and I will find my way out, one step at a time.

this rollercoaster ride just never seems to end...

I haven't blogged for months, because all I have had to say is more of the same. The roller coaster has been never ending. Just when I think I have come to the end, the ride doesn't stop but speeds on up.

I hit the wall massively on Saturday evening, and with it comes the realisation that if I dont put myself first I'm going to end up in hospital. My PTSS is rife, and I'm currently feeling disassociated. Like I'm here watching myself. I can't remember conversations, i'm shaking all the time again, and the hyper vigelence and hyper startle response is ramped to max.

You would think that because i have the ability to actually write these things down that I would be able to control them. If anything it just makes me more frustrated that I can't stop it.

Its damaging my relationships with my children, which breaks my heart. I have to stop it before it gets beyond repair.

i guess as the saying goes... pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going.....

its the little things...

Yesterday I just wrote the day off. Had horrible period pain, and was feeling miserable about all that has been going on. About 3pm I decided enough was enough, and got in the kitchen with Laura and started baking for the week. We made choc chip cookies, jam drops, apricot and coconut chocolate slice, chocolate choc chip muffins, quiche and popcorn. small things, but I oddly felt like I had actually achieved something for the first time in ages!!! Felt like a mummy, and I havent felt like anything for a while.

A good friend rang me from Brugge, to champion me on. It made me feel heard, and loved to have someone randomly ring me to tell me I'm doing ok.

this morning, at 6am, Laura came into my room, and sat on the bed. I said to her, get into bed with me and have a cuddle. I really didnt know if she would or not, because of late I have been some what of the enemy in her eyes, but she did. We lay and talked about anything and everything. It was precious, and made the start of my day so much better.

small incremental changes... little things that make a difference.

Nathan has hurt his knee at football on Saturday. It is still very sore, and I am taking him to the doctor today. I hope that it is just bruised and nothing more serious. He will be devastated if it is. so fingers crossed that is something simple.

new beginnings

That is what I'm on the eve of - new beginnings. And instead of feeling excited, elated, amazed.... I just feel empty and sad, and overwhelmed.

After a horrendous week full of anger and hurt I asked DH to move out. That we couldn't keep doing this dance where everyone was getting hurt. On Monday I completely lost it and the horrible ugly Vicky that I thought I had buried forever exploded out of the volcano with such a terrible force that I am still reeling from it. On tuesday, Laura came undone, hitting me, and punching DH in the back, and anywhere else she could reach. Screaming abuse at him and me. She had reached her breaking point. On wednesday I told DH that he had to move out, that he had to find somewhere else to live. In order for any of us to be able to heal from the last five years of hurt and anger he has to remove himself.

Initially his response was to declare that he was going back to the UK. A decision that would be disasterous, not just because it would completely irridicate any possiblity of reconciliation, but would destroy any opportunity for him to get his back fixed. He is on worker's compensation at the moment, and has been for the last six months. The pain in his back is just getting worse, and no one is listening. he has two more specialist appointments over the next two weeks. Hopefully one of them will be able to do something.

I feel like where my heart should be there is a big black hole. I can't help but replay over the things that have occured in my life. I have made so many mistakes. When am I going to get it right?

living with someone who has adhd

the other evening our little boy (2.5years) fell asleep early, on the lounge in the
play room with the big ones watching a film. DH carried him out to lounge room,
and placed him on the matteress that he is currently sleeping on. He said to me,
"he is so peaceful" and was misty eyed. He then said to me - I never noticed
before now... he was just asleep for me. I know you "see" these things all the
time.."

I really hadn't realised just how much DH had been missing out on.

He went outside for a little while, and came back in, and said to me "i'm
becoming a sad old man" to which I replied, no, your not.. your just feeling
things that you have never felt before...

He gets overwhelmed with the tirade of feelings that he has begun to feel. This
morning he was speaking to his Uncle in the UK. His family over there have been
incredibly worried about him. When he got off the phone he was crying. This from
the man who doesn't cry. Since March, and more since April, when he started the
Dex, he has experienced more emotions then he has in a long time - if ever.

It is strange for me, seeing this person that I have been so used to being
emotionless - or angry, to show other emotions. I used to call him the tinman,
because he had no heart...

And it opens up a whole other discourse... how much of my relationship with him
has been "real" and how much has been a lie...

and then there is this..

Anyone want to volunteer to write a dictionary that translates what I am trying
to say into a language that pwADHD can understand, and vice versa????

Sometimes.. make that a lot of the time, I speak, and obviously the words that
are coming out of my mouth are in a foriegn language for my pwADHD.

I really think that at the moment that is what most of our problem is - the
inability to communicate effectively. Because I'm so tired and frustrated at my
life - and wanting desperately a partner, not another child, I lack the
patience, and desire to have to communicate with this ADULT standing in front of
me like he is a child... or someone who speaks an entirely different language to
the one I thought we were both speaking.

sigh.

busy busy busy

I just realised that it has been nearly a month since I last blogged. and so much has happened. I have been incredibly busy with uni, trying desperately to catch up with all the backlog of work that has happened becuase the world tipped upside down. slowly getting through it, and looking forward to a three week break at the end of May. Hopefully next term will not be as chaotic...

Things are settling down. DH is on medication for the ADHD, and after some tweaking, he seems to be on the appropriate dose. He has changed doctors, to someone who actually has ADHD herself, and that has been major. He will have better continuity of care, which is important both for the ADHD and his back.

The last month has not been with out its fair share of ups and downs... but the last week has been far more up then it has been in a long time. I went back to my doctor and changed medication, and that has helped to get the PTSS and anxiety under better control. I'm still feeling hypervigelent and hyper startled...but that will take a little while to settle. DH has done lots of random acts of kindness recently... which is totally out of character for him. He would say out of character for the old DH. It takes me by surprise, and I know that my response sometimes hurts him, but as I explained to him, I'm not used to this DH... and I can't help like I am waiting for the old one to rear his ugly head. Which now that he is medicated he actually gets! that would have to be the biggest improvement. Insight. He finally has some. He can see that how he behaved affected us all as a family, and individually, and feels a great sadness over it, which fuels him to do better, improve.

I'm still desperately wanting time out. away from everyone and everything. because I'm exhausted. Its like, now that things are settling down for DH, I am falling apart....but I am taking care of me in the best way I know how. lots of self care, and mediatating, reading books that feed my soul. and sleeping.

I guess its a journey. and while I'm still living day to day, at least the days are nicer to live in.

Ask and it is given

I'm reading a book... in the moments that I can grab for myself called that. Ask and it is given. Based on the Law of attraction. So far it hasn't said anything that I didn't already believe, but its good to get a reminder, and start PRACTISING it.

Still in fake it till I make it mode... but unfortunately I physically hit the wall on Thursday night. It had been building, so I shouldnt be surprised, but I always are. I keep going and going and going until my body says RIGHT, if you are not going to stop, then we will make you. I completely blew my stack - yelled at aston, which I never do, screamed at Richarscreamed intod, and threw a box of wipes at him, and some tupperware, kicked aston's potty chair up the hallway, screamed and punched the pillows on the bed, thumped the wall...basically behaved fairly appallingly. I went outside, and attempted to calm down. Once I was feeling a little calmer, was able to give Aston a shower, and get him dressed, and have stories, and cuddles. While I was doing that, Richard ran me a bath. That day during our session with Anne, our counsellor, she had told him that as I am in the middle of a PTSS, I really need to be resting for at least 3 hours a day - not sleeping, but resting. being still. and how could he facilatate that. Having a bath was one of those things. I realised that I hadn't had a bath - a soak with candles and NO children since I had moved to this house - over two years ago.

Laura reacted - as she would, because her mother had just been behaving like a banshee - by saying to Richard, so do you think that running her a bath and crawling up her arse is going to make everything ok? hmmm. I waited while I lay in the bath, trying to focus on the candles burning and asking the universe to help R to respond appropriately. And he did. He just asked her to go away, calmly. She keep coming back, and saying more things. Not aggressively, but assertively. getting things off her chest, things that she has been bottling in. A little time passed, and I sent it out to the universe that he would have HEARD what she was saying, and would ask to talk to her calmly. He knocked on her door on two different occasions, and asked her if she would come out so that they could talk. But Laura refused.

I got out of the bath, and got dressed, and felt better for the soak. My body is so sore. my lower back and right hip are aching, with pain radiating down right to the tip of my big toe. Very odd. I knocked on Laura's door and said to her that I was very proud of her for speaking her mind, and staying in control. She didnt want to talk to me, so I left her alone. I tried to speak to Richard, and see if he actually had been able to understand what was going on... but all he could see was how hard he has been trying for the last month, and why was she saying all of this stuff now? I reminded him yet again, that how he has behaved, has not just affected him, that we are all traumatised, and all need to heal.

The next morning, he behaved like a perpetualent toddler, hiding the breakfast cereal that he had made for him, me, laura and Aston to eat. and actually stating well she can't talk to me like that.... sigh. After the kids had left for school he asks me to find out how much Child Support he will need to pay me for Aston, as he is moving out. I was gobsmacked... He went on to tell me that he had been trying hard for the last month, and wasn't going back to that place that he had been at, and Laura was going to put him there, so he thought it would be better if he just removed himself, and moved out. God I hate ADHD. I asked him if he had his meds yet.... and to maybe hold off on making that kind of decision until he had seen the doctor, which he had an appt for that morning. My body started to shake... even more then it was. At the moment, that is my constant state - hyperviglence, and shaking.

I got a text from Laura asking me if R was moving out, because Nathan had seen R looking up rentals in the phone book. Then she heard a conversation between R and I, which I was unaware of. I had asked him, if that was what he really wanted to do, where did that leave US. and that shouldn't he perhaps try a few other things before bolting out the door, that it was unrealistic for him to expect all of us to just forget everything that has happened in the last five years, all because he has been trying hard for a month!!!! (And I am proud to say that I did this calmly - after loosing the plot the night before- i had managed, some how to regroup!)

So I went to get dinner organised, and couldn't find laura. I rang her mobile, and she answered, Where are you? I'm not telling you... and hung up. I went into her room. my heart was racing, and my body was shaking. looked for a note... something. found a note on the floor in the kitchen. She had taken off. I grabbed my phone, and jumped into the car to go and look for her - not until after having to yell at R to stop polishing the glasses and read the note. It was dark outside. Thankfully she was only at the end of the driveway, 700m of it. But she wasnt getting in the car. No way no how. so here I am driving beside her, in the dark at 2kms an hour as she walks up the road. stopping periodically to tell me to go away. I'm not coming back. if R leaves then so does she... round and round and round. I was on the precipice of a full blown panic attack. I rang my best friend, so that I could talk to someone, so I didnt disappear. I finally managed to get her in the car. and we went home, but only under the pretense that I was going to take her some where else. I texted my sister in law, asking her to call, and speak to Laura. L and her have a great relationship, and I know I needed reinforcements.

I yet AGAIN spoke to R about how Laura was feeling, and why she was behaving the way she was. and that we needed to ALL have a conversation. Which evenuated... Laura sat curled up in the chair, listening very quietly, and nodding. R had said to her, because she didnt want to talk, could he put to her what he thought was wrong, and how she may be feeling - which was basically everything that I had said to him. and that she could stop him, or indicate if he was on the right track or not...

It ended with him giving her a cuddle. a real cuddle, and her responding.

So many fires....

Every cloud has a silver lining....

Several days ago I really wouldnt have thought that was even a possible thought to think! But today has been a good day - and I am shifting perspective... from focussing on what is so crap at the moment, to what is positive and good. In the hope that it will lift my soul.

The last couple of weeks really have been horrendous, with one thing after another happening - first R attempting suicide, then Nathan accidently breaking the mower to the point of irrepairable, then the looming deadline for assessments for uni, then the flash flooding that meant that Aston was not able to get home and had to stay at friends; Laura and Nathan had to be escorted through the flood waters in life jackets by the SES and R's mobile phone got water damaged in the process. I actually yelled up at the sky "WHAT MORE GOD ARE YOU GOING TO THROUGH AT ME??!!!"

Serendipity occurred... a received an email from the Peaceful Warrior website, about unreasonable happiness, and the same day a good friend of mine (thank you Tan) talked to me about exactly the same thing. About faking it until you make it... about shifting the perspective. So I have. And some amazing things have happened. Small - but in the midst of the madness they have been lifesaving. Aston had a wonderful time at his first unintentional sleep over, and miss mum oh so much NOT! The insurance compnay have replaced the phone for $50 excess, and at midnight last night I remember that we had accidental damage cover on our insurance plan, so I rang them again today and the Lawnmower will be replaced for $100 excess. Over $1000 worth of merchandise for $150. Work cover have also agreed to pay for the mowing to be done because of R back. And all my assessments have had extensions granted. Plus because the drive has been washed away the house inspection that was due to be done tomorrow has been put off for another month - which is great because I really havent had the energy or inclination to do all those inspection type cleaning things that have needed to be done.

So for the first time in days I actually feel positive. And its a nice feeling. :D

Taking care of business

I went to the doctor on Wednesday and lost the plot... just cried and cried. In order to change medication that will control both the PTSS and Anxiety I have to come off my current one over a two week period, before I can start a new one. This is just not possible right now. I know if I even attempted it I would end up in a screaming heap. So we have compromised and she has given me another medication to control the effects of the PTSS - namely the feeling like a over tightened spring... in full flight or fight mode. This is ok for short periods of time, but for a long period it is completely exhausting.

It seems to be working. We also discussed a plan for me, and taking of me. I will go and see her weekly, and my therapist weekly as well. She wants me to exercise daily, and get some sun daily. apparently the Vitamin D in sunshine is good for combating depression.

Things with DH are still ordinary... day by day... sometimes moment by moment. There was a horrible start to the day today. When I got up - after having a crap night's sleep due to horrible dreams that had the monster in them - I went out to the kitchen, and there was an empty beer mug on the counter. I asked DH's dad if he had another beer last night, and he said no. I went to the fridge and there was a quarter bottle left in the fridge. I was unsure whether this was from the previous day or not... but I got angry, and was sure that DH had something to drink once everyone had gone to bed. Because I had told him uncatergorically that he had to choose between alcohol or his family! So I was pretty pissed off. When he finally got up I asked him... and he denied denied denied. swore on his mother's grave. punched the outside wall.... it was so much fun NOT! I just sat, and didnt say anything... Once he had calmed down, I said to him that He had to understand it from my position - I have NO trust for him anymore, and dont believe anything that comes out of his mouth... that the trust had to be rebuilt...

I don't know if there will be any resolution in this relationship... all I do know is for now that I have to make sure that I have tried absolutely everything to make it work... so I will wait and see if going on the ADHD meds, and going to counselling will make a difference. If it doesnt change anything then at least I know in my heart that I have tried everything, and can walk away from it with out and second guessing....

sigh.

Sometimes you really cant see the forest for the trees...

Its true.
I feel like I asked for some guidance from the universe - and I came home after being at my sister-in law's birthday. I had an incredible and revealing conversation with one of her friends - revealing to noone but me... but revealing none the less. All she did was ask me about my children, and what were the best things I have done with my children, what were the worst... and I realised that I am doing right now what is possibly the worse. and that I need to do something.

I am feeling increbily overwhelmed at the moment. Like I could easily float adrift myself. my own mental health back ground is rocky itself. I suffer from PTSS and Acute Anxiety disorder as the result of historical sexual abuse. I have been in the dark hole of depression myself, where I wanted all the pain to stop so badly that stopping living seemed to be the only option. It was only because of the hand of a very good friend that reached out and threw me a life boat and I clamber in. She saved my life...and I did the rest. I have done the hard work, I have sent the monster to prison, I have felt the sunshine on my face after being so long in the dark I thought I would never feel it again. I think this is why I know uncatergorically that I have to leave. That I have to safe myself and my children. I have sacrificed the last 5 years of my life for this man... and my children's lives. And theirs is not MINE TO SACRIFICE.

I don't know if my relationship is savalagable. I am not even sure if I want to any more. I just hurt and are sad, and don't want to be any more. And just like if I had a horrible sore that was poisoning me if I didn't take action by cleaning it out, giving it medicine, and taking care of it...- I need to take action and take care of the sore in my heart.My DH's father arrives on Monday. I really don't know if having him here is going to help or not. But I am going to ask him to take DH away for a few days. I'm not sure where, or how. but I am going to do this. I need to BREATH and I can't do that with him in the house. I do want him to go to rehab. I do need to work out how I am going to get out of here,or if I need to, and he can just go. (And i need to write a bloody assignment for Managing Diversity for uni - and I cant do that with him here!!!! - yes I went back to uni full time to finish my degree and I am HUGELY p!ssed off that HE has done all this, when I am trying to achieve something incredibily important to me - thanks for the support richard- yeah right!!!)

I just saw a big friggin tree right in front of me - and the only way through it is to cut the fucker down!!!

lights are on but there is no one home....

I realised this morning that for the last week I have been living in a fog. My body is going through the necessary survival things - to a minimum. I'm moving through the day but forgetting things... like - put a prescription in to the chemist - and forgot to go and pick it up. have been asked for various things like tweezers, cotton buds by my sister in law - have responded - yep will go and get them, then then completely forget. and these are only the things i remember right now. what else have i forgotten in the last week?

I put in an extension request for an assignment for uni. It seems that your husband attempting suicide doesnt cut it as a reason. I need to provide proof of how it affects me. so - if he had of been successful, and was actually DEAD would i have to provide a fucking death certificate????

I'm so angry on so many fronts. I feel like a volcano about to erupt... its bubbly away there, ready to explode... Have a had a couple of false starts - but I can feel it coming.

DH oscilates from saying the right thing to behaving like a complete fucking moron. I told him yesterday that he had to choose between alcohol or his family. No choice really is there??? but to an alcoholic there is a whole lot of debate, justification and bullshit. and what response did I get - the latter. So I took the kids and went out for the afternoon, in an attempt to stem the eruption that is brewing inside of me.

I took them to a lovely park with a great pond in the middle of it, and Aston and I feed the ducks and swans and turtles. It was bittersweet... wonderful, and sad at the same time. I wished that DH was there to see the wonder and delight that was on our little boys face as he interacted with these animals....

so I keep breathing in and out, in and out, go to sleep, and wake up, to do it all over again. living in a holding pattern....

eating an elephant - again

I havent blogged for a while. there has been so much going on in my life. my relationship has been falling apart rapidly - DH hurt his back at work just over two weeks ago, badly, and has been in a lot of pain. it has added tremendous stress to our relationship, which was already falling apart.

On sunday it reach boiling point, with DH attempting suicide. We had an argument, where I stated quite clearly to him that I could no longer do this dance that has been going on for years - but worse in the last 12 months. That I couldnt do it to the children any more. I told him that I wanted him to go, sort him self out, and then we would see what happens from there.

he got very quiet, went to the cupboard got a cup, with a lid. I thought he was getting things together to take Aston. I was guarded, and on high alert. I didnt see him take the pain killers, but realised after he got in the car and drove away that he had taken them with him. I had no idea how many endone, or valium where left in the packets. I rang a friend, hysterically. She said to me ring the police. So I did.

he tried to slash his wrists while the police were here. in front of me. i was at the kitchen bench, and he reached over and took the knife that i had just used, and ran it across his wrist. everything went crazy then - i screamed and tried to get the knife off him. a police officer wrestled him, and he was handcuffed. and taken to hospital. which is where he still is.

fuck

I think I can... I think I can... I think I can....

That's what the little red wagon says isnt it as it chugs up the steep incline?

My head is absolutely spinning. from excitement, and fear, and a little bit of sadness....

I'm excited because I recommenced my uni degree for teaching this week. I went to meet my mentor teacher at the school where I will be doing my prac for this year. It is a tiny little school p-10, with the "high school" being 7,8,9,10 totalling 56 kids. I will be there on a Monday afternoon, and Tuesday mornings. Monday's I will have y7 history, and a media class. and Tuesdays composite y9/10 English.

Wednesday's and Thursdays I'm at uni for lecture's and tutorials. Which leaves me with Friday to PLAY!

Aston is in daycare 4 days now... and I can't help but feel sad. He has a lovely time, but I am missing him terribly. Which is why I am keeping Friday's free to play - to catch up with my friends and their little people.

I am never good when everything changes... it takes me a while to feel ok about it all. Not only is there change happening for me, but its happening around me... My friend S has started working fulltime, so getting to see her is like organising a trek in Nepal - major work! Another friend N has gone from two car family to one car family, and is heavily pregnant, so am not seeing her as much as I used to, and yet another friend A is working three days a week, as opposed to the one she was doing last year, when I looked after her little girl. And then of course there is me, and the myriad of things going on in my life.

I had to pull out being a mentor for the EMMA program due to time conflicts. I'm disappointed about it, but in reality it is probably for the best at the moment. My head is spinning trying to get myself organised for all the reading I have to do, and try to keep everyone happy...

Oh well I guess I will just become a recluse for the year, sticking my head out when its school holidays....

I had such a beautiful weekend. My lovely friend Gill, and her two gorgeous daughters came to stay. Eden and Aston played so wonderfully all weekend - even without sleeps! Ivy, who is now just over six weeks, is such a precious little thing. It was so lovely to sit and watch her gaze into her mother's eyes, a love so deep and complete. I was lucky enough to have lots of cuddles, and feel that ache that only holding a new born can bring.

Its the little things...

Yesterday and today have been physically hard as I have not had much sleep. Wednesday night after a fantastic day, I went to bed at my usual time - 11.45pm, after trying to get to sleep for an hour, my nose was driving me nuts, and I was coughing, I decided to get up and at least one of would get some sleep! Had a cold and flu tablet, and a hot water with honey, and laid down on the lounge to watch some tv while I waited for the drugs to kick in. ended up watching the part one of a miniseries called Britz. Went back to bed at 2am, and aston woke at 5am, but I was able to convince him to go back to sleep. I woke at 6.30, and nathan, gorgeous boy, had changed aston's nappy, and got him dressed for the day. Nat requested that Aston and I come to school to have morning tea with him, so we did. It was lovely to watch Nathan proudly showing off his little brother, and of course, Aston adored all the attention!

Last night I went to bed at around the same time, and aston woke at 3am... and no amount of convincing him that it was still sleeping time was working. so by 4am him and I got up for the day. Thankfully, by 9am when he started getting cranky with his toys, I knew it was time for us both to have a sleep, so we did, for 2.5 hours. So I woke up feeling a little better, but have a filthy headache which I know is because of lack of sleep. hopefully i will be able to fall into bed tonight at a reasonable hour and sleep!!!

when the sun shines in your heart

I have had such a wonderful day today. I did some shopping this morning, and picked up some great bargains. New pair of shoes for me, a present for my mother's birthday, and a kitchen for Aston. Then I had coffee with a gorgeous friend and her 8month old little girl. Was great to catch up with her. After that I went an had a long lunch with another girlfriend. We sat and chatted for nearly 3 hours!

And then... when I went to pick Aston up from play school, the director approached me about doing a fundraiser with my Learning Ladder business!

It has left me feeling fantastic.... the best I have felt it ages. Its so good to feel the sun shining again in my heart.

onward and upward...

Feeling rather ordinary, but have had an easy day with the kids at school, and Aston at "play" school. Tried to sleep during the day, but my head and face hurt to much, so I just watched mindless stuff on tv, which was good, as my brain wasn't functioning all that well.

Even though my body is feeling rather ordinary, my head space is feeling better then it has in a while. I got my time table for Uni today, and have a lecture and tutorial on a Wednesday, and Thursday. Will have to do a bit of juggling with Aston, hopefully will be able to change a day at play school. I think my head space is positive because I have something to look forward to. Orientation is next Monday Tuesday and Wednesday. I will go in the morning on Monday, go for the interview at EMMA and then go back to orientation.

Richard is feeling rather disgruntled with work. There have been lots of changes with the amalgmation of the councils, and the employees that have been there for a 1000 years are not coping very well. Richard has embraced the change, which is probably easier for him to do as he has only worked there for 2 years, one of them pre amalgmation. He comes home each night and vents about what has happened during the day. I really hope that a great opportunity presents itself soon that he can apply for. I know he wants to stay working for the council, but is really over working with the crew he is with.

Laura's leg is improving each day. She has a swimming carnival on Thursday, and is going to compete. She has incredible tenacity that kid. I look at her every day, and are amazed that this young woman standing before me is my child. She is enjoying high school, and the new experiences she is having. She has joined the SES cadets, and Im really proud of her.

Nathan has one last session of rep training for football next Monday. He has been trying so hard. they will find out next week if they have been selected for the A team, B team or not at all.... I so hope he gets selected. it will do wonders for his self confidence. He is so amazing with Aston. And of course Aston just idolises him.

Aston is talking up a storm...every day there is new words, and sentences... Sometimes you can see his brain is moving faster then he can get his mouth to work. :) Singing songs, lots of pretend play, and likes to be boss.

A girlfriend is taking me to lunch tomorrow for my birthday (belated birthday lunch). Shall be lovely to be spoilt.

About six months ago a friend told me about a community organisation called EMMA (Educating, Mentoring Mothering Adolescents) for 15 - 21yo first time mums. Its run by an Organsition called http://www.lifebridge.com.au/emma.html I was really interested in finding out more about it. Its been floating around in my head since I heard about it. 2 weeks ago I sent an email enquiring about how I can help. Yesterday someone called me, and I am going to become a mentor. I'm really excited about this. And they want to find out more about my learning ladder business. This took me by surprise, I had forgotten that in my email, my signature has all my details about the Learning Ladder on it.I feel like I have the opportunity to stand beside young women, and support them at a time that can be both amazing and overwhelming. An opportunity to pay it forward...I had some beautiful women stand beside me on my journey as a mother, that have made a massive difference to the type of mother I want to be.

what i did today

I have felt lately that the days all mesh into each other, so I have decided to make a note of what I achieved during the day...

After a fairly sleepless night with the little man - I got up at 8am, and decided to jump in the shower, in the hope that I would make me feel wide awake!! Made the bed, got dressed, and had a cup of tea. Threw 2 loads of washing on, and then played with the little man for most of the morning. Duplo, followed by sandpit, and a big walk down the driveway to the creek. At Aston's request "shower with mummy?" we had shower and laid down together in my room in the airconditioning. by this time it was just past mid day. The next time I looked at the clock it was 2.30!

Had a quick snack, and then decided to go a baking feast! Made fruit loaf for breakfasts, fruit cake x 2, little fruit cakes in the mini muffin tins for Aston to take to play school, Jelly for dessert tonight, and custard as well. Did some drawing with Aston, then made a salad for dinner, and got the potatoes ready to be baked in the oven for dinner. Richard has made chicken keiv, which is just about ready.

there are no ordinary moments

With all the bushfires going on in Victoria, and the floods in north Queensland it has caused me to think about what is important to me. In the event that there was a fire what would I take? I lay in bed the other night and mentally went through the house looking and evaluating things.... in the end the only things I would take with me, other then my children of course, are their memory boxes, and the photos I have of them (which now living in the digital age, mean taking the computer because that's where any photos over the last two years are!). Everything else can be replaced.

I thought it was interesting that I no longer place importance and value of "stuff". Once upon a time I was very caught up with stuff... and having lots of it. I think that when the bottom fell out of my world, PTSD and acute anxiety order took hold, and I was so busy surviving through each day - that a major shift in perspective occured. I no longer need to fill my life with "stuff", and instead are far more fullfilled filling it with experiences - be that of playing with my two year old, sitting on the lounge stroking my 13 year old daughters hair, or having a big cuddle with my 10 year old son to watching the sun set, listening to the rain falling, seeing a child enter the world.... the list goes on and on.

I watched a movie this week The Peaceful Warrior about an olympian Dan Millman. There was so much that resonated with in watching that movie, that I went seeking more information about it once I realised that it was based on a true story. This is what I found http://www.danmillman.com//index.php?option=com_frontpage&Itemid=1

One of the things that was said in the film is "there are no ordinary moments" Since watching it, I have found extraordinary moments everywhere. Try it sometime, sit, be, watch.... you will be amazed at what transpires.

needing matchsticks...

After such a lovely evening last night, the change of weather has turned on my boys. Nathan has asthma, and I think that Aston will eventually be diagnosed with it as well. Nathan has been wheezy for the last couple of days - the fact that he won't manage his asthma contributes to this. He is at an age where if he pretends he doesn't have it, then maybe he won't.... which makes it rather interesting at times. The change in the weather from hot and humid, the cooler and humid has no doubt been the trigger.

Yesterday afternoon when Aston woke from his afternoon nap, he sounded wheezy, and was a little cranky. But seemed to come good... fast forward to 10.30 last night. He woke with a croupy cough, and fast shallow breathing. I have no predisone (the medication used to treat croup), so gave him some puffs of ventolin, and sat with upright on my lap for half an hour. Thank god for austar and Playhouse Disney! Was enough to keep him distract, and calmed down, while I got him to have the puffer. All he wanted to do was sleep, poor little man. His breathing settled, and I put him back to bed - knowing that it would only last a little while... so I jumped into bed too.

12.45am he is coughing and wheezing again. This time Richard woke up as well. Ran the shower and steamed up the bathroom, and gave him some more ventolin. Got the vaporiser going, and sat with him upright until his breathing settled. I ended up laying on his bed for the rest of the night listening to his breathing...

So I'm feeling rather tired this morning. He is still wheezy, but happy in himself, in fact he is jumping all over the lounge as I type! We have an appointment at 11am at the doctor, and no doubt will get a script for redipred. sigh. I hate giving it to him.

I had so many things planned to do today - oh well - just have to let it go, and be in this moment.

the simple things in life are free

I'm never ceased to be amazed at how much joy my children can bring me. The blessing that is Aston means that my big kids Laura and Nathan can stay in the innocence of childhood just a little longer then if Aston wasn't around. He makes them laugh, and play and wonder in delight just like him. I love it.

This evening after dinner we went out to the back yard to see Jake, our german shephard cross 2 year old puppy. He is two weeks older then Aston. We brought him when Aston was 6 weeks old - yep that's what you do right, have a baby, and go and get a puppy! Not like I had enough to do already. Anyway.... I digress. Aston loves to run. So him and Jake are running up and down the back yard. Before I know it, everyone is outside with us, Laura, Nathan, and Daddy. And of course, little mister bossy boots is ordering everyone around, wanting Laura and Nathan to do running races with him. Then we had to jump on the trampoline.. me as well!

Aston said to me at one stage, "look mummy castle" pointing at the mountain in the distance. Then we had to have a look at the cows. There are usually cows in the field right behind our back yard, but there havent been for a while, so I'm thinking, this will be interesting. He starts to excitedly yell "Cows mummy" and I am looking every where to see where he is talking about...at least a kilometre away in a field are cows! Nothing wrong with his eyesite.

I love living here. I need to remember to sit outside and enjoy it every single day. I forget to do it... and when I remember, it feeds my soul, and I feel peaceful.

Leaf out of a friends book....

I had started a blog on BellyBelly, a parenting forum that I have been a part of since I was pregnant with Aston in 2006. I was going to copy the entries that I had made to that blog over, but on reading them I decided against it. This is a new start, and new page, and I don't want to fill it up with negativity, or sadness. That is what seems to dominate my last blog. Sadness. Is it because I only write when I feel sad, lost, alone, and trying to make sense of my surroundings?

There seems to have been a mass migration out of bellybelly of late. I can only speak for my reasons as to why I don't participate as much as I used to. I guess everything has a season, and maybe my season in that arena has finished.

I have made many many friends through that forum, so for that I am eternally grateful. Some I have been lucky enough to actually meet in real life, including one who asked me to be present at the birth of her second child - a priviledge and a gift.

Another friend that I chat to online with has recently left the forum, and taken stock of her life, and started a blog. She is using it as a record of positivity and action in her life. I like the idea of that. A place to record the good - the bad - the beautiful - the ugly... not just focus on the negativity.

I need a shift in perspective - a change of view so to speak...

So as I take stock of my own life, and what is important in it, what I want to achieve, my successes, and reflections, I will record it. To look back upon and see how far I have come.