Taking care of business

I went to the doctor on Wednesday and lost the plot... just cried and cried. In order to change medication that will control both the PTSS and Anxiety I have to come off my current one over a two week period, before I can start a new one. This is just not possible right now. I know if I even attempted it I would end up in a screaming heap. So we have compromised and she has given me another medication to control the effects of the PTSS - namely the feeling like a over tightened spring... in full flight or fight mode. This is ok for short periods of time, but for a long period it is completely exhausting.

It seems to be working. We also discussed a plan for me, and taking of me. I will go and see her weekly, and my therapist weekly as well. She wants me to exercise daily, and get some sun daily. apparently the Vitamin D in sunshine is good for combating depression.

Things with DH are still ordinary... day by day... sometimes moment by moment. There was a horrible start to the day today. When I got up - after having a crap night's sleep due to horrible dreams that had the monster in them - I went out to the kitchen, and there was an empty beer mug on the counter. I asked DH's dad if he had another beer last night, and he said no. I went to the fridge and there was a quarter bottle left in the fridge. I was unsure whether this was from the previous day or not... but I got angry, and was sure that DH had something to drink once everyone had gone to bed. Because I had told him uncatergorically that he had to choose between alcohol or his family! So I was pretty pissed off. When he finally got up I asked him... and he denied denied denied. swore on his mother's grave. punched the outside wall.... it was so much fun NOT! I just sat, and didnt say anything... Once he had calmed down, I said to him that He had to understand it from my position - I have NO trust for him anymore, and dont believe anything that comes out of his mouth... that the trust had to be rebuilt...

I don't know if there will be any resolution in this relationship... all I do know is for now that I have to make sure that I have tried absolutely everything to make it work... so I will wait and see if going on the ADHD meds, and going to counselling will make a difference. If it doesnt change anything then at least I know in my heart that I have tried everything, and can walk away from it with out and second guessing....

sigh.