Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The scars

I read this in another blog, and decided I needed to put it in mine. to remind me....

The Scars

Some years ago on a hot summer day in south
Florida, A little boy decided to go for a swim in the
old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry
to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back
door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as
he went.

He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam
toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was
swimming toward the shore. His mother in the
house was looking out the window saw the two as
they got closer and closer together. In utter fear,
she ran toward the water, yelling to her son as
loudly as she could.

Hearing her voice, the little boy became alarmed
and made a U-turn to swim to his mother. It was too
late. Just as he reached her, the alligator
reached him.

From the dock, the mother grabbed her little boy
by the arms just as the alligator snatched his
legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between
the two. The alligator was much stronger than the
mother, but the mother was much too passionate
to let go.

A farmer happened to drive by, heard her
screams, raced from his truck, took aim and
shot the alligator. Remarkably, after weeks and
weeks in the hospital the little boy survived.
His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious
attack of the animal, and on his arms, were deep
scratches where his mother's fingernails dug into
his flesh in her effort to hang on to
the son she loved.

The newspaper reporter, who interviewed the boy
after the trauma, asked if he would show him his
scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with
obvious pride, he said to the reporter, "But look at
my arms. I have great scars on my arms, too.
I have them because my Mom wouldn't let go."

You and I can identify with that little boy. We have
scars, too. No, not from an alligator, or anything
quite so dramatic. But the scars of a painful
past. Some of those scars are unsightly and have
caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend,
are because God has refused to let go.

In the midst of your struggle, He's been there
holding on to you. The Scripture teaches that God
loves you. You are a child of God. He wants to
protect you and provide for you in every way. But
sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations.

The swimming hole of life is filled with peril -
and we forget that the enemy is waiting to attack.
That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you
have the scars of His love on your arms be very,
very grateful. He did not and will not - let you go.

Author Unknown

finding beauty in the small things..

I have been reading every day the Louise Hay website healyourlife.com. I really feel that its a significant factor in me feeling better. Its good to read things that help feed your brain from a positive perspective. when you are someone like me, whose self speak is so negative that I have a tendency to see the glass as half empty most of the time... and not see the beauty in small things. I have conciously been trying to see the beauty in small things... and it has made a difference.

Recently my cousin, who is also a very good friend, put herself out there on my behalf to my extended family. I find it incredibly hard to ask for help. and she did it for me, and my extended family ended up donating money to me so I could get a little in front for a change. I have been living without a washing machine for months, doing my washing at friends, or going to the laundrymat. I tell you I never thought the sound of the washing machine washing in my own home could sound so sweet. I was able to get it fixed today, and it has done amazing things to my state of mind. I was also able to pay some outstanding bills, pay school fees, and get the lawn mowed, and will have the spider webs water pressured off tomorrow.

It makes all my health issues feel a little less overwhelming. I went to the specialist yesterday, and are booked to have a knee reconstruction. As a result, I'm intending on giving up smoking. Smoking and having a general are not good. Nathan bet me $50 that I couldnt do it. If I buy another packet I have to give him $50 - if I dont he washes my car.

While the elephant is still rather large, I'm slowly getting through it. I have to look at all I HAVE done, not what I still have to do. I'm getting through it... one bite at a time.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

New Year's Resolutions

Just went back and read some of my blog, and came across my New Year's Resolutions. Out the ones that are there - I have started to reconnect with my children, and have gotten a tattoo - two in fact :D Still need to paint, write, and clean the crap out of my life... that one is a work in progress I think. I have started on it... have got ridden of some of the people in my life that were baggage and hard work. As for the stuff... I keep going to do that one, and just get overwhelmed by the enormity of it, and get stuck, and don't end up doing any of it. I should break it down - into sections. I was going to say rooms - but even that is too big. There are so many wardrobes in this house... all with so much stuff in them. All with lots of shelves in them, with lots of stuff in them... sigh.

Maybe I should break in down to time. Set 15mins a day to do some. and come back to it the next day... yes that's what I'll do. 15mins a day. Starting to day. And I will start in the study. Three boxes - chuck, keep, sell/charity.

Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.

Thursday, March 25, 2010


I was watching a butterfly this morning. watching it fly. They flap their wings in short sharp spurts to direct them to a wind current, then stop and drift on the wind. They expend energy to get them to where they want to go, hope on, and let nature do the rest....

Think I should try being a butterfly for a while.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

feeling fuzzy around the edges...

that's how it feels. like I tingle all over. I'm throwing food down my throat, and iron tablets, and magnesium. in the hope that it will go away. I fell into bed last night at 9pm out of exhaustion. and woke at 1... sigh. finally went back to bed at 3am.

feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment. my beautiful cousin stuck her neck out for me, and threw it to the universe - and my extended family - and mentioned that I was doing so well, and needed assistance so that I could get the lawns done, and the washing machine fixed. and I'm blown away by the response... really blown away. and I cant stop crying.

My knee is incredibly sore. has been more sore since I started the physio exercises, and since I had the mri. laying there trying to keep still for 20mins was actually agonising, my knee locked up, and the pain since has ramped. I go back to the physio tomorrow, and back to the specialist for the results of the mri on monday.

Went and spoke to N's teacher this morning. He looked a lot happy when he came home this afternoon. apparently the girl apologised to him, so I'm pretty sure that N's teacher spoke to her. Hopefully that will be the end of it. But I'm glad that his teacher listened to me.

Laura came home very chuffed with herself. she tried to act all OH NO! about her progress report, but I knew that she was faking. She got mostly a's and a few b's on her report, and a card from the head of campus saying well done. only six of them were given to students. I'm incredibly proud of her.

I had a session with my counsellor today... which these days is more like a debrief session. She pointed out to me something that I do that I hadn't considered, and it was good to hear, about how instead of being angry at the boys, because I'm angry at their fathers, I actively try and make a difference in their lives. It wasn't something that I had even thought about. because their fathers have been such a let down, it makes me want to put MORE into their lives, be MORE present - not the other way around. and I thought about my sister and how angry she is at her son, and always has been because of his father... so I'm thankful for that. that I don't do that.and it was nice to have it pointed out to me.

on that note I will sign off with a quote that I read tonight from the healyourlife.com

No kind action ever stops with itself. A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees.
Amelia Earhart


despise them. the act of bullying. the whole damn thing.

N is getting bullyed at school. some people wouldn't consider this bullying. but I do. Some little girl, and her group of friends, have decided that N is an easy target, and everyday torment him, saying Look there's emo. N is on the edge, about to explode. He said to me this morning in frustration, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!! I asked him what he meant. Because she's a girl!! If she was a boy, I'd punch him!

I said to him that I was very proud of him for showing such self control, for not punching her (when all I wanted to say is - punch her!) But it stops TODAY. I am taking him to school, and speaking to his teacher. If that doesn't work, then I will be talking to HER! and her parents. I'm so over intimidation and manipulation. I hate seeing N this way. Not wanting to go to school... because of some silly little git who is taking pleasure in tormenting him, and he doesn't want to loose it.


Sunday, March 21, 2010

sometimes all the positive thinking in the world...

... just doesnt cut it.

I'm irritable, annoyed, pissed off, down right fucking angry. that I'm alone, with three children. that i have to constantly pick myself up and dust myself off. that I have to be ok all the time. that I cant just run away. that the choices I have made have alienated people. that I have made such stupid mistakes. that I wasted so much of my life investing energy into people that have used me up and spat me out.

I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS!!! I hate feeling like I'm slipping down the depression slide...into the abyss. Its such a useless space. dark, miserable, alone. I know what I need to do. and I'm doing it... one bite at a time. But what I want to do, is jump up and down, and scream, and yell, and swear, and punch and hurt people. The anger inside me is immense... like a black buddly hot mess of sticky tar... that has just about reached boiling point. How do I stop it from blowing - out of control? from the volcanic mess that will erupt with it? How do I feel emotions without either losing contol, or becoming numb? How?

lots of bites off the elephant...

... and it still looks like a bloody big elephant. sigh

Its been a busy and long week. Monday, I sorted out mri and physio for my knee, finalised the insurance claim on R's car, spent some lovely quality time with a friend making a vision board (which is now on my fridge), got a text from R for Aston - which I just about threw up over, was fairly certain that it was a breach, but because the content was not abusive was unsure.

Tuesday, went had my tattoos touched up, had a minor freak out about something, spoke to a friend about the something, and passed it on.

Wednesday, starting bleeding from somewhere that I shouldnt be bleeding from, and had a major freakout.... all day. Started physio on my knee - which was all encourgaing - not. I lost count of the number of times that he said - that's not good. Did catch up with a friend briefly and looked in a couple of op shops for a pair of jeans. Wasn't very successful - my mind just wasn't on it. But did end up picking up a pair at Big W for $15 - a size 8 - which is also distressing... i just keep loosing weight. Lost count of the number of people who have commented on that!

Thursday - Nathan wakes up sick - again. And I'm still bleeding. Got an appointment for him - but not for me... Thankfully when I took him to the doctor, I managed to be also able to speak to her. Because of the iron deficiency, and my past history with poylps, she referred me to a specialist - who I cant get into see until the 16 April... sigh. The bleeding stopped about midday on the Thursday - but my anxiety about it still continues...

Nathan broke down on thursday - doesnt want to go to school, has been getting hassled by kids calling him emo etc. And is just so sad, and depressed. He got into bed that night, and said why does everything have to happen to us. I said to him, to try and put it into some perspective, to think about what was good with what was happening in our lives. Reminded him them we weren't in Haiti, or Chili, that we hadn't lost our house, or lives, and are all still together.... Dont think he was very convinced.

Friday - I rang Nat's school, and put a request into to speak to his teacher. He has never not wanted to go to school - he even said to me, I want you to start home schooling me - so I knew that he was feeling bad. I was able to organise the school counsellor to start having some sessions with him. Which I hope will be helpful... he needs to talk, to let it out, instead of festering inside like it is right now. I also had the intake interview at Robbies house - the supervised contact centre. That was overwhelming sad... as I sat and filled out the paperwork, I had tears running down my face... and all I could think of is "this is what my life has become". I had an mri appointment in the evening. Caught up with another friend briefly while I waited. The mri went for 20mins, my knee spasmed, and I tried desperately not to move. Not a particularly pleasent experience - especially as my anixety is running rife...

While I was in there, i received another text from R. yet again to be read to aston. I was so angry. and I had attempted to call the police about the previous text in the morning but there was no one on at the local police station, so I was going to call when I got home from my MRI appt. Now I was armed with two texts.... By the time I actually got to speak to someone about it, it was 10pm. and apparently R hadn't been served the DVO - so therefore there was no breach of the DVO. WTF??!??!??? I was furious. How could have that been the case - when I know that R stood around waiting for the paperwork, the day of the hearing - a WEEK before!?!?!? All I could think was what a waste of time the previous 7 weeks had been, when the bloody thing wasn't even in effect!!! What if it hadn't been texts to aston? What if they had been abusive texts to me, or laura and nat, or what if he had come to my house??? I will be ringing the magistrates court on Monday. Not good enough. In the end the police served him that night with the dvo, and explained that the texts would have been a breach and why. Of course, R said and did all the right things, and charmed the police man, who was there for an hour. When the police called back at 11.45pm, he was under the impression that R understood, had enrolled in a parenting course (Yeh right!!) and i was left feeling like the two english men (the cop was english) had spent a nice hour bonding.......

Saturday my cousin Annie came up for the night. Which was lovely. But cause I'm feeling rather empty at the moment - I am sure that she felt it. I'm having to dig deep at the moment... really deep... to find some reason, some peace, some order, some anything...

Another friend has been feeling incredibly overwhelmed by people around her - including myself. She loves fiercely and passionately, and wants to 'fix' it. And when she can't or people don't listen to what she is saying, she feels overwhelmed and stressed. I'm glad that she has recognised that she has to step back... but sad that I have contributed to that feeling...

to be quite honest, I would just like to crawl in a hole for a while... and disappear.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

another bite of the elephant

and what a bloody big elephant it is! I go back to court tomorrow for the DVO hearing. which will hopefully be finalised.

I had my interview with family relationships, and they will have now sent a letter to R requesting him to contact them to organise a meeting. They give him ten days, and if they dont hear from him, will contact him. if still no response, they will give me a letter stating that I attempted mediation to set up parenting orders... Then it moves onto family Law court, which is why I have applied for legal aid, so I have a solicitor.

I went to the ortho on monday to have my knee assessed, and he is of the opinion that I have done the meniscus and ACL. I have a referral for an MRI, which will hopefully happen sooner rather then later, and he has also referred me for physio, as I have no strength in my leg. I couldnt even lift it off the bed when he pushed down on it and asked me to raise it. You can actually see my thigh wasting. So physio to be organised, and hopefully that will help. Tired of it hurting all the time.

I also got the results from blood tests that I requested as I am concerned about the amount of weight I am continuing to loose. I didnt want to just put it down to stress just in case something else was going on. My iron levels came back as iron defeicent, and my blood sugar levels are up. So its back for more blood tests, and another test to ensure that I'm not bleeding internally, causing my iron levels to be low. Seems like I've turned 40, and while my head is doing great, my body is going to shit!

but as Annie has said to me, its all a process - physical, mental, emotional. And I have to keep telling myself not to get stressed about WHAT may be going on with both my knee and my body... and wait for the results and deal with it then. Because its just a waste of my energy - which is low at the best of times. Deal with the things that are right in front of me right now - not ones that may or not happen.

I have read an interesting article about decluttering - and how it has the equivilant effect of decluttering your head space. I NEED to do this. So I am making a contract with myself to do 15 mins a day - if I get into it and go longer that's ok, but at least 15mins a day.... starting in the study!

And I need to paint. so desperately need to paint. to feed my soul. the last two days I have watched movies which has been nice, and as my knee has been so incredibly sore since the weekend and monday's doctor's visit, i think or hope that the rest will help it.

The energy in my house has changed dramatically. Laura and nathan aren't fighting like they were. they still bicker - but not with the nastiness that it was becoming. I think a smudge stick is in order to rid all the bad energy. Will have to have a look into that.

and I will sign off with my quote for the day:

When you commit to discovering, nurturing and then living your true passion, it’s as if you’re stoking a fire in your soul

Thursday, March 4, 2010

change in perspective

Its amazing how just doing a few little things everyday, that can fill your heart with joy, can change your perspective. I have been reading everyday a website www.healyourlife.com and really has made a difference to how my head space is. I read the affirmations, and everyday, there is at least one, that I need to hear. I read the articles, and so many times, I have read one, and felt like it was speaking right to me.

some days are hard, and I feel overwhelmed by the fact that I'm a single mum with three kids, and struggling financially, but most days are good. really good. I'm learning how to let go of all that negative energy that has been making me sick for so many years. I have new exciting people coming into my life, that are inspiring, and positive, and encouraging.

so glad that I have cut the dead wood out of my life. Needed to be done. It has empowered me. I feel more in control of my life, then the other way around. I dont know what the future will bring, but I'm not afraid. and that is a HUGE thing. In fact you could even say I'm excited. The peace and harmony that I have longed for, for so long, is finally starting to descend upon me. and it is such a good feeling.


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