Tuesday, May 29, 2012


If I was physically able to do this I would!

I'm cranky. Just in case no one has noticed.

For the last month, I have been sick and in pain. Firstly with the flu, that turned into a chest infection, sinusitis and asthma, which disappeared but left me with thrush, and then just to add injury to insult - my back gave out on me. Completely. I was giving my 14yo son a cuddle, the 5yo decided to get in on the act, jumped on my back, and it went kaput. That was last Thursday.

I'm at the stage where I'm so cranky that I have zero tolerance for bullshit...

... so when absent fathers make their daughters feel even worse for being brave enough for asking for help, and then make her feel like shit for being diagnosed with depression and anxiety I tend to get a little pissed off. Under normal circumstances - ie, my back wasn't hurting like my spinal cord is trapped in a vice - I would be pissed off, but would hopefully be able to deal with it rationally. Instead, I'm going to rant.

Seriously people, when is the stigma associated with mental illness going to stop?!?! I really shouldn't be surprised that he has taken this stance. He took the same one with me. Its all in my head. Yes you idiot, it is. That's the fucking problem!

I would like to shake this man until his brain rattles inside his huge head. If I thought it would make any difference I would. I fail, (and believe me, I have tried to understand and justify his behaviour and choices), to understand how he can be so thoughtless, and uncaring towards our child, who is struggling, and needs support. Please explain to me how the cost of her treatment is of more importance then the HOW and WHY she is in need of it. For fuck's sake, I'll sell my god damn organs if it is required!

I will never ever understand how the balance of concern can be so skewed... I keep trying to, but all I keep doing is hitting a brick wall. with my head.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012


we have been apart nearly as long as we were together.

don't you think its time to let all your anger go? it doesn't only hurt you. it hurts them

you don't have to like me. but we will always be connected regardless. because we made them... and they are so much more then a "business transaction".

I tried so hard. to keep you to connected to them. and them to you. yet ... it didn't happen. Time and time again you chose to be absent, rather then present. Why? You missed so much. You chose anger over putting their needs first.

Let the first one of us who hasn't made a mistake with them throw the first stone. I KNOW it wont be me. I KNOW I have made plenty. I have owned those mistakes - to them, begged forgiveness. Have you?

I moved through you being absent in my life a long time ago. moving through you being absent in theirs is a lot harder. Even now, when you are there, right in front of them, You are still absent.

I have to remember. Have no expectations. Then there are no disappointments.

The only trouble with that is I'm not the one with expectations, or the one that feels so disappointed... I'm the one who sees their disappointment and hurt. Why can't you?

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

I have a mental illness and take medication so that I'm ok

Image credit

OK? Got it?

See if that statement said -

I have diabetes and take medications so that I'm OK,


I have thyroid condition and take medication so that I'm OK,


I have a heart condition and take medication so that I'm OK,

it would not get the same response as

I have a mental illness, P.T.S.D. (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and Acute Anxiety Disorder being my "formal" diagnosis. And I take medication so that I'm OK.

If my pancreas wasn't working properly I would need to take some form of insulin, make modifications to my lifestyle in order for me to live a healthy functioning life. This would be accepted by the general populace.

If my thyroid was creating too much or too little of the hormones it produces, I would be required to take medication in some form and make lifestyle changes...

If my heart... well you get the idea.

Well, my brain doesn't work properly. It doesn't create enough of the chemicals dopamine and serotonin, two  neurotransmitters that act as chemical messengers that relay nerve signals through the brain. Consequently, I have to take mediation, and make lifestyle adjustments in order to live a healthy functioning life.

For some people, the requirement to take medication to help with this chemical imbalance in their brain, may only be for a short time. For others, the imbalance is so out of whack that they will have to be on medication for the rest of their lives. I'm one of those people.

So don't judge me because I take medication in order for my brain  to work properly. You wouldn't judge me if I had diabetes, or a thyroid condition, or a heart condition. Get educated. People who have a mental illness don't just decide one day to "make it up". It's as real as any other organ in your body not functioning  optimally. 

One of the beautiful things about advances in medical technology is that we now have the ability to "map" a person's brain. Scientific evidence that someone's brain is not functioning properly can now be obtained. As they say  a picture can tell a 1000 words.

I have a mental illness and I take medication so that I'm OK.

And that is OK!!

Some Resources - get educated people! 

Reach out - supporting someone with a mental illness

Beyond Blue

R U OK? A conversation could change a life


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