Tuesday, March 29, 2011

This isn't about me this is about ...

... Aston.

That's what I have to constantly remind myself every time there is any interaction with R. Each visitation, each webcam session... and the consequent fallout behaviour of Aston... I have to remind myself that this is about Aston... That regardless of how I feel about his father, Aston has the right to have a relationship with him. Regardless if I feel like R doesn't deserve to, that just because he is Aston's father, doesn't mean he has the right to be his dad. ... And there is a big difference between father and dad... Any male can father a child, be the other half of the requirement to make a human being.

Being a Dad is a whole different ball game. Being a Dad means stepping up, taking responsibility, putting your own needs aside, putting your child's needs above your own. Being a Dad means having to dig deep at those times when all you want to do is resort to the base primal behaviour of growling, yelling, being unkind.

I am realising that the sadness and anxiety that I feel when Aston sees R has a duality to it... the fact that he let Laura and Nathan down so abysmally, that I invited him into their lives, and he abused it instead of seeing it for the gift that it was. And consequently, I have to live with fact that I allowed an abusive man into their lives, and have to watch them deal with how that has affected them.... much like I have had to struggle with how my own father's behaviour affected me... there lies the duality. A mother beating herself up for making such a a massive life changing mistake... who has within her a little girl that was hurt and betrayed and abused.

So I have to remind myself that the mother in me, the lioness, has done everything she possibly can to keep Aston safe, so that he isn't also subjected to R's bad behaviour, but has the opportunity to have a relationship with his dad..... and I also have to gently remind that little girl with in that hurts and aches for things to be different, that while they may not have been different for her, it is her experiences that have helped me become the mother I am. That her experiences were not for naught...

Thursday, March 24, 2011

seems I've started leaping like this penguin...



Since I took that leap I seemed to be taking lots of them!

Last Friday I decided to stop talking about participating in my cousin's business Blazin' Hussy and actually do something about it. I ordered the equipment I needed to start making candles and melts, and it has now all arrived. I'm itching to start playing with it!

And I have taken another leap.... I have um'ed and ah'ed about M meeting the kids. The lioness within is still oh high alert (I wonder if she ever will not be.....?) Then there is the practical part of me that says you need to know now - before you fall any further - whether it would work. The part that says to me - find out now, before you fall any deeper... because it will really really suck if you wait and wait, and then its a disaster and your heart is broken into a 1000 pieces. Where as now - before you have fallen too deep, you can bounce back quicker....

I hate the fact that my ability to trust has been so damaged. That there is this constant internal diaglogue going on in my head and heart... so I'm taking another leap of faith. And he is coming to dinner on Friday night. Just quietly (oh what an oxymoron that is! FFS I'm writing it on my blog!!) I'm terrified.... so I will just have to trust... that like that little peguin I will land on the other side.

Monday, March 21, 2011

why is it not ok for "real" men to cry?

ok - so that is a rhetorical question obviously. But its something I have been pondering all day - and have pondered before...

Why do men (and of course I am making generalisations here - because I do know that there are men out there that don't have a problem with crying) consider crying to be weak or that your a "girl". There is a whole generation, make that two generations of men- (probably more if I researched it) that consider crying to be a sign of weakness. My own 12 year old son, who is throes of massive hormonal changes, considers it weak to cry. Recently, overwhelmed with emotion, and the changes going on in his life - highschool, reconnecting with his father, physical changes, as he sobbed, he said "i'm such a pussy. I'm such a wose" and it was because he was crying. I comforted him, and said "No - your not.  Crying is a release of emotion, and healthy. Its when you don't cry that its not ok".

Why has "society" deemed it ok for women to cry, but not men? The cycle gets perpetuated as men say to young boys "don't be such a girl" if they cry. Is it the fact that a young boy can still cry that makes them feel uncomfortable and threatened?

any commentary would be gladly welcomed... because I'm really trying to get my head wrapped around this quandry....

Friday, March 18, 2011

sometimes...

you just need moments like these to know that everything is going to be ok.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

sometimes it sucks when you can view a situation through so many lenses...

... especially this situation. A situation that continually raises its ugly head time and time again. A situation that puts me in a place of damn if I do, damn if I don't.

Lou turns 16 in less then a month. for the last two years we have been doing this dance where because of the shortcomings of her mother she ends up here at my house for a while. the first time was when she was 14, and she was here for 2 months.... and probably would have ended up still if it hadn't been for R. Twice last year she ended up here again. The first time, I turned myself inside out trying to work things out for her - and she went back home. The second time, I just offered her some respite from the chaos that is her life. Everytime this situation raises its ugly head, I reiterate the same thing over and over and over.... She has no control over who or how her mother behaves. She only has control over HER choices. I can offer a stable home life, support through school, or a traineeship/apprenticeship, whatever - but SHE has to make the choice.

Having said all that, having her come and reside here, in my home, with my three children - well that is , or will create a dynamic all of its own. Laura ends up feeling "replaced", Nathan ends up feeling "ganged up on by TWO sisters" and well Aston doesn't really care, he just has someone else to adore and have adore him... then there is my resources... do I have enough, or anything left?

But what other choice do I have? My mother has as good as said she can't (or won't). Do I leave her to fend for herself, and hope to god that she doesn't fall any further down the abyss of depression that I KNOW she is in?

I got angry today - There are days when the responsibility of being a single mummy, with mental health issues becomes so HUGE that I want to run away... get in the car and just keep driving. But I don't. I dig a little deeper, I look and ask for rest and respite, I yell and cry down the phone to my friends. so how come my sister gets to switch off? run away? choose not to take responsibility? instead blame everything and anything on everyone and anyone else?? How is that ok???

She is my sister - I love her, but only because of that connection. As a person, I despise her. I have no tolerance. I am tired of hearing "she is unwell". So the fuck am I. I am a single mother with three kids, with mental health issues as well. The fundamental difference between me and her is that I REFUSE to give up fighting, to surrender to victimisation.

How can we have come from the same starting place, and become so fundamentally different?

Sunday, March 13, 2011

monthversary....

... that's not even a word really is it?

and more then a little bit corny... and teenagery... but its my blog and I can write what I want, and if I want to be corny and teenagery then I will. (insert picture here of me pouting!)

M spent the weekend at my place. all the kids were away. I had rest and recreation time for 48 hours and refilled the tank.... which has kind of left me feeling like this....


with a decidedly purring noise coming from my belly......

Have decided I must really really like him, because I gave him a painting... I don't give away my paintings to just anyone...

so now colour your world sits on his wall in his house....

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Sometimes when you leap you don't necessarily fall flat on your face...

Which is what I decided to do when I sent an email to a complete stranger, saying I'm deleting my account, if you want to get in contact here's the details....

So we text back and forth, working out a time to speak on the phone that worked for both of us. I was supposed to call one night, and changed it because I wanted to watch Packed to the Rafters... anyway, eventually we connected, and talked for a couple of hours on the phone... with me ending the call so he could go to bed, and not wrap himself around a pole, as I wanted to meet him. He has to get up at 3.45am to be at work at six... so yes does travel a fair way to get to work. I had already arranged a "date" for the Saturday 12th Feb with someone that I had been texting back and forth with, but who had yet not actually managed to speak to me on the phone. On the friday night I was going out with girlfriends, and I had already tried during the week to call this guy, to firm up plans, meeting place etc, and still had not spoken to him, instead receiving a text saying yep all good for Saturday speak to you Friday. So I decided that I would try again to call him before I went out. Three times. unsuccessfully. ten mins before I was going out, I tried again, still no answer, so I decided that if he couldnt manage to speak to me on the phone, how the hell was he going to be able to have a conversation with me face to face. So I cancelled the date.... and seeing as how I was leaping I decided to text M and told him that my plans had changed for the Saturday night and if he wanted to catch up I was available. We had already made plans for the following Saturday 19th Feb anyway.

To cut a long story short... and well this was a month ago now anyway... and lots has happened between then and now....

We caught up, met at Mooloolaba, went to the surf club and had a couple of Corona's, laughed and laughed and laughed some more, about the perils of online dating. Went for a walk on the esplanade, found some where for dinner, and didn't stop talking the entire time. I was completely, and utterly true to ME. was the me that my friends know, and love (or get driven mad by - depends on the day!) I felt confident, and self assured, and wonderful. When we left, I asked if I could give him a hug. I had been gagging for a man hug for months. He is tall .... which I love. And the hug..... sigh... was divine. and left me wanting more. ... so I quickly jumped in my car to leave lol.

which takes me to today. ... We have seen each other every weekend since, text a billion times each day, speak each night, and I'm .... terrified, delighted, overwhelmed, excited, happy, and a billion other emotions that don't have words...

I'm both terrified and exhilerated, standing on a cliff about to leap free fall with a parachute hoping to fuck it opens!! and I can glide...

I guess that's what TRUST. FORGIVE. LET GO  really means .....

 

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