Saturday, November 28, 2009

a change in pespective

Last night as I sat feeling sorry for myself - lost alone and very sad, I started trawling through other peoples blogs. Usually when I have done this I get lots of blogs about peoples hobbies, and chit chat. but last night blog after blog came up about peoples stories about how they survive in the midst of sickness, having children with disabilities, people living with disabilities themselves...and all of them - in spite of, or even because of - had such positivity that I felt more then a little shame faced.

It sat with me all night. in my dreams, and in my first awakening. Bad things happen to good people. Its how you deal with it that is the fundamental difference between sitting and wallowing in self pity and recrimination, or embracing the difficulties life throws at us and smiling through it. I'm sure that all of those people I read about have bad days as well... but they CHOOSE to keep on fighting the good fight. They CHOOSE to see the beauty in the situations they have found themselves in.

I started doing the Moodgym - an online help program for people suffering from depression, and one thing stood out to me hugely. What you think is What you feel. If I think that its all too hard, then I will feel like its all too hard. If I think that today is a new day full of possibilities then I will feel like its a day new full of possibilities. I am responsibile for how I feel, I am responsible for my own happiness.

And I am also responsible for whether I let other peoples problems and unhappiness fall on me, or slide off me.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

moving on...

I think its time for a new start. which means moving. which means sorting through three years of accumulated crap. right at the moment I cant see a way out of this forest I am in -so I think the best place to start is by cleaning away the debris, and a path will open up and I will find my way out, one step at a time.

this rollercoaster ride just never seems to end...

I haven't blogged for months, because all I have had to say is more of the same. The roller coaster has been never ending. Just when I think I have come to the end, the ride doesn't stop but speeds on up.

I hit the wall massively on Saturday evening, and with it comes the realisation that if I dont put myself first I'm going to end up in hospital. My PTSS is rife, and I'm currently feeling disassociated. Like I'm here watching myself. I can't remember conversations, i'm shaking all the time again, and the hyper vigelence and hyper startle response is ramped to max.

You would think that because i have the ability to actually write these things down that I would be able to control them. If anything it just makes me more frustrated that I can't stop it.

Its damaging my relationships with my children, which breaks my heart. I have to stop it before it gets beyond repair.

i guess as the saying goes... pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going.....


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