Tuesday, April 16, 2013

The demonic monster that resides within

Sometimes, no matter hard you try, the fake-it-'til-you-make-it veneer cracks, and the raw, ugly, confusion, sadness, anger, and any other damn negative emotion that you have been desperately fighting to keep in, erupts.

Slowly at first, a trickle, tears sitting on the rim of your eyelids, that you frantically blink away. Then you head starts to thump. Probably from all that gritting your teeth you have been doing for the last few weeks - a grimace that you pretend is a smile. Noise, even the tapping of the key board, starts to make your skin crawl from the inside. You rub at it frantically, but the sensation doesn't stop. Your agiatation increases. Questions from the people you love and care very nearly turn you into the scary monster that you work so hard to keep at bay.


Mum where's this? Mum can you ...? Mum, he's ... She's...
for fucks sakes just LEAVE ME ALONE


The crack widens to a gaping hole. The force of pent up emotion spews forth like water bursting through a dam. You recognise that the monster within is about to swallow you up and replace you with it's spitting venomous ugly prescence. You battle with it, running frantically to your room to let the monster bellow and spit it's poison, hissing at the people you love as you flee.


Anxiety. The demonic monster that resides within me.




16 comments:

  1. being able to materialise the exact way you feel in to the written word is such a strength of yours, I hope it helps you to get through this honey...your description triggered memories of living through the same thing in another part of my life. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! xox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for connecting. Human connection in times of hurting soothes your soul.

      Delete
  2. Your words resonate with how I have been feeling lately. I hope that you are able to get rid of that demon in your head xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Tegan thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. Feeling heard and understood makes a difference x

      Delete
  3. I get you. I have had terrible periods of my life where I've been plagued with anxiety. It's so real, so debilitating, so misunderstood and so lonely. You aren't alone, my friend xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This conversation would take place further on in our dinner, probably way after dinner, and consumption of the whole bottle of wine. ;) thank you for stopping by lovely. The fact you did means a lot x

      Delete
  4. Vicky, my heart goes out to you.
    I know that feeling well - the one thing that got me through (and this may sound insane or condescending - but it's not intended to be that, it was advice that came from a very helpful friend) Breathe. It's amazing how 5 deep breaths can ground you in a good way. While you breathe - you focus on where you want to be and what it will be like when you get there. It gives you just a moment of clarity and slowly those little moments can join up together. It's not about faking it - it's about allowing yourself to see what others see in you. You are a special person, resilient, funny and strong.
    Big hugs and sunshine to you, I hope this period passes soon. Marina.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Its like you read my mind! You appear to know a lot about this,
    like you wrote the book in it or something. I think that you could do with some pics to drive the message home a bit, but instead of
    that, this is fantastic blog. An excellent read.

    I'll definitely be back.

    My blog post: forbrukslånpåtimen

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thanks in favor of sharing such a good idea, piece of writing is
    fastidious, thats why i have read it fully

    Feel free to visit my website ... capitaldistricthomeinspectors ()

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hello everybody, here every person is sharing these experience, therefore it's good to read this blog, and I
    used to go to see this web site everyday.

    Look into my site ... chicken house sign

    ReplyDelete
  8. Modіfy the areas of your life that are keeping you
    from being healthү. 15% of the brain's showed signs of Аlzheimer's disease, Parκinson's
    disease or Lewу bodies and 2. Here are simple precɑutions you need to use to provide self-ƿrotection aǥainst the threatened
    pandemic:.

    my page; diseaseless pdf free

    ReplyDelete
  9. If some one wants expert view concerning running a blog afterward i advise him/her to go to see this website, Keep
    up the nice work.

    Here is my site: six degrees ()

    ReplyDelete
  10. If you are going for finest contents like I
    do, just pay a quick visit this site daily since it presents quality contents, thanks

    Here is my webpage - lose weight exercises []

    ReplyDelete
  11. Paragraph writing is also a fun, if you be familiar with then you
    can write or else it is difficult to write.

    Feel free to surf to my page :: six degrees ()

    ReplyDelete
  12. Without question it's your option, I'm just bringing' the advice right here.
    The Apple boot logo will translate into a Cranium logo
    throughout boot. Fortunately, Mike sees the advantages of Ashley's process and would like
    to have it.

    Also visit my web-site :: appaddict on ipad

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for stopping by... Leave some love :-)

 

Blog Design by Sommerfugl Design