a light bulb moment

I had a session with my therapist today. She came to see me, seeing as how I can't drive. I told her hollow I was feeling inside. about how I stuck my neck out so that R would finally go to Robbie's house so Aston could see him.about how angry I am at my mother.

As we talked, and she suggested things, it suddenly dawned on me that the reason I turned myself into a pretzel for the kids, in regards to their absent fathers was because it triggers something deep with in me... that disappointed little vicky...that didn't have a father as he should have been. She pointed out to me as we discussed it further, that the next time a situation presents itself that does exactly that, trigger me, then I put my children's feelings first and foremost, to stop, and think about what was really happening. It is NOT my responsibility to make sure that their fathers have a relationship with them. Its their FATHER's responsibilities. I end up sacrificing myself and my heart, in the hope that my children's hearts won't be hurt, and it doesn't end up making any difference... we all still get hurt.

She also spoke to me today about thinking about what it is that I desire in my life... to consciously think about what it is that I want to come into my life. and my first thought was I want someone in my life that will treat me with kindness... and as much as I say I don't ever want to have another relationship, in my heart I do... to be treated with love and respect and kindness.

So there.. I'm putting it out there...that there is someone out there who wants to treat me with love and respect and kindness.