When things started going pear shaped (to put it lightly!) a good friend of mine recommend a book Ask and it is given. It is basically about the law of attraction and how we manifest our own desires, and if we arent truely in harmony with those desires then they don't manifest. My biggest problem is that I know that I want, but because I live in a constant state of impending doom, waiting for the next disaster to happen, I self sabatoge those desires. Over the last week I have been consistentlyh trying to to push those negative energies and emotions out of my mind, and allowing only good thoughts, desires and needs to enter. when I feel that negativity chasing quickly behind my positive thoughts I self talk saying that I'm living in this moment right now. And as a result change has started to happen. I joined a new forum called Family Capers, that has a whole lot of professional support people on board, in all sorts of areas. It has an incredibly postive outlook, and is very focussed on finding the joy in your life. I entered a competition, with the prize being able to access a joy coach. sounds odd probably, but it is what I need right now to keep me on track. This woman believes what I believe, and better still LIVES it. and that is what I want to assistance in, in howing to live it. And I won. I asked for guidance and assistance, and it has arrived.
The gaping hole that I thought I come between my daughter and I has started to mend, with her allowing me to comfort her last night after she woke from bad dreams, letting me lay with her and stroke her head. Even better, this morning she let me hug her. I haven't damaged all the hard work I have put into my children, I just had a bump in the road.
I am disengaging successfully from R's delusions, for the benefit of my own sanity and health. I need to rest and rebuild and recoup and become strong before I am able to confront him with MY TRUTH, and MY PLANS, which don't include him. It is pointless trying to converse with someone who only hears and believes what they want to believe, so I have actively and consciously decided not to. Regardless of what I say, he comes to his own conclusions anyway. Doing this one thing alone has stopped depleted me of my energy, and allowing me to come back slowly from the state of hyperviglence and anxiety that I yet again found myself in.
I'm allowed to be happy. I'm allowed to be treated with respect and kindness. In fact I deserve it. And so begins the journey to live my life with joy, and to learn to manifest my desires.