I feel like I asked for some guidance from the universe - and I came home after being at my sister-in law's birthday. I had an incredible and revealing conversation with one of her friends - revealing to noone but me... but revealing none the less. All she did was ask me about my children, and what were the best things I have done with my children, what were the worst... and I realised that I am doing right now what is possibly the worse. and that I need to do something.
I am feeling increbily overwhelmed at the moment. Like I could easily float adrift myself. my own mental health back ground is rocky itself. I suffer from PTSS and Acute Anxiety disorder as the result of historical sexual abuse. I have been in the dark hole of depression myself, where I wanted all the pain to stop so badly that stopping living seemed to be the only option. It was only because of the hand of a very good friend that reached out and threw me a life boat and I clamber in. She saved my life...and I did the rest. I have done the hard work, I have sent the monster to prison, I have felt the sunshine on my face after being so long in the dark I thought I would never feel it again. I think this is why I know uncatergorically that I have to leave. That I have to safe myself and my children. I have sacrificed the last 5 years of my life for this man... and my children's lives. And theirs is not MINE TO SACRIFICE.
I don't know if my relationship is savalagable. I am not even sure if I want to any more. I just hurt and are sad, and don't want to be any more. And just like if I had a horrible sore that was poisoning me if I didn't take action by cleaning it out, giving it medicine, and taking care of it...- I need to take action and take care of the sore in my heart.My DH's father arrives on Monday. I really don't know if having him here is going to help or not. But I am going to ask him to take DH away for a few days. I'm not sure where, or how. but I am going to do this. I need to BREATH and I can't do that with him in the house. I do want him to go to rehab. I do need to work out how I am going to get out of here,or if I need to, and he can just go. (And i need to write a bloody assignment for Managing Diversity for uni - and I cant do that with him here!!!! - yes I went back to uni full time to finish my degree and I am HUGELY p!ssed off that HE has done all this, when I am trying to achieve something incredibily important to me - thanks for the support richard- yeah right!!!)
I just saw a big friggin tree right in front of me - and the only way through it is to cut the fucker down!!!
Sunday, March 29, 2009