Sunday, March 29, 2009

Sometimes you really cant see the forest for the trees...

Its true.
I feel like I asked for some guidance from the universe - and I came home after being at my sister-in law's birthday. I had an incredible and revealing conversation with one of her friends - revealing to noone but me... but revealing none the less. All she did was ask me about my children, and what were the best things I have done with my children, what were the worst... and I realised that I am doing right now what is possibly the worse. and that I need to do something.

I am feeling increbily overwhelmed at the moment. Like I could easily float adrift myself. my own mental health back ground is rocky itself. I suffer from PTSS and Acute Anxiety disorder as the result of historical sexual abuse. I have been in the dark hole of depression myself, where I wanted all the pain to stop so badly that stopping living seemed to be the only option. It was only because of the hand of a very good friend that reached out and threw me a life boat and I clamber in. She saved my life...and I did the rest. I have done the hard work, I have sent the monster to prison, I have felt the sunshine on my face after being so long in the dark I thought I would never feel it again. I think this is why I know uncatergorically that I have to leave. That I have to safe myself and my children. I have sacrificed the last 5 years of my life for this man... and my children's lives. And theirs is not MINE TO SACRIFICE.

I don't know if my relationship is savalagable. I am not even sure if I want to any more. I just hurt and are sad, and don't want to be any more. And just like if I had a horrible sore that was poisoning me if I didn't take action by cleaning it out, giving it medicine, and taking care of it...- I need to take action and take care of the sore in my heart.My DH's father arrives on Monday. I really don't know if having him here is going to help or not. But I am going to ask him to take DH away for a few days. I'm not sure where, or how. but I am going to do this. I need to BREATH and I can't do that with him in the house. I do want him to go to rehab. I do need to work out how I am going to get out of here,or if I need to, and he can just go. (And i need to write a bloody assignment for Managing Diversity for uni - and I cant do that with him here!!!! - yes I went back to uni full time to finish my degree and I am HUGELY p!ssed off that HE has done all this, when I am trying to achieve something incredibily important to me - thanks for the support richard- yeah right!!!)

I just saw a big friggin tree right in front of me - and the only way through it is to cut the fucker down!!!


  1. Oh Vicky.
    I am floundering a bit at the moment and seeing where you are now and where I am ... still caught in the rip I thought it time to get back to reading your blog to see how you got there.
    Your story=my story.. you could be writing my story soul-sister.

    Emapathy. I wish I couldn't feel your pain so acutely but it is oh so easy when you have been there yourself... how many times have my efforts and chance to succeed been sabotaged... I remember that pissed off feeling SO well!

    Must go and do some stuff... will be back to do some more reading. Thank you for being an inspiration to me.

  2. wow... thanks for commenting Roma... I haven't read this in a long time. and it was a gentle reminder of how far I have come...



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