Life on the hill: 2010

Monday, December 13, 2010

Some days...

.... you can wake up and before your feet even hit the floor your in a cranky mood. PMT will do that to a girl. So feeling like I could bite the head off the first person who came within 2 metres of me, I reluctantly got out of bed. Seeing it was the four year old who was the first person who came near me, I dug deep and offered him breakfast instead of decapitating him. He does look rather cute with his head - his dimples will do it everytime. I had the big idea that I would print off some Christmas...

epiphanies...

As I said in a previous post, I have been reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. And honestly, there are times when I think she has downloaded my brain!!! There have been so many times where I read a paragraph of what she has written and thought, I have actually felt/thought/consider/comtemplated just that. The difference being that in many cases I have not acted on those feelings/thoughts/considerations/contemplations.... But I have started to. As I was driving to catch up with a...

Becoming my own best friend

I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love at the moment. There are many many moments where I feel like I could have written the words, she has described an experience or feeling so aptly that I recognise it as my own. There is one description in the book where she talks about seeing her reflection, and before realising it was HER reflection, she thought is was someone she knew... well it got me thinking. I am for the most past a very good friend. I support my friends, listen to them, help them out - put...

four years ago today...

... my youngest son was born. This is such a bittersweet day for me. It was my best birth experience. Within a couple of minutes of Aston being born he was placed on me, skin to skin, with warm blankets placed over both of us. I have no recollection of them sewing me up, because I was too busy falling in love with this amazing gift that had been given to me. I had so desperately hoped that his arrival would mark the beginning of an awakening in R - Of selflessness, of understanding, of healing,...

out with the old...

.... and in the with the new. I believe that for new things to be able to enter your life, you have to make room for them by getting rid of things you no longer need/use/want.... So FINALLY I have started getting rid of stuff. early last week I went through the play room. Two massive garbage bags and several shopping bags, and a box of stuff went in the bin. The car boot is full to the top of stuff to take to the charity bins. My art stuff is tidy, and some paintings even on display....

48 hours...

So I started my weekend away after dropping the boys off driving two hours to Brisbane. Was an easy drive, and I didn't get lost so I was rather happy with myself. Then I got out of the car... seems my knee doesnt particularly like being in a similar position for two hours at a time still... was a bit creaky and sore when I got out of the car. I had plenty of time to get ready, have a corona with lime, and sit back and relax. My cousin's partner drove us in to the theatre and we were throughly...

the end of 2010 is quickly approaching...

... and I just had a re-read of the first post for the year so what off that list have I done... got a tattoo - two actually. reconnecting with my children every day, and laughing, playing, dancing, singing, and just being with them. painted - a little.. not as much as I would have liked to - but the year isnt over ;-) write - have been - here on this blog decided not to move house until I have to go I think that the first on my list I have achieved, or are achieving. I was thinking about this...

we're all going on a summer break...

... well that's kind of what this weekend is... a break. and while we aren't all going to together, every one of is excited. Aston has beent talking about going away all week, Nat loves to hang out with his best mate any time, and Laura gets to do girly stuff all weekend. None of them could care less that Mum is going away for the weekend... Had the strangest dream last night - very intense, and um... er... yeh... intense. Starring Mr Darcy. wtf?? Maybe because originally this weekend I was going...

the counter...

... you know that "gadget" on the side of this blog that counts the number of visitors? I'm wondering why I put it there. Vanity? Stupidity? the begininings of truly being a blog whore ahem I mean mum... from here do I go to advertising? buttons? inane posts (oh, already do that...) Nah - can't be arsed. all seems like too much work personally. and I already have enough stuff that I don't keep on top of... so I guess for now I will just keep the little counter gadget for my...

its all about me...

I feel somewhat at ease with where my head is at the moment. Mind you that can all change of the head of a pin, (especially as my body is fraught with PMT hormones!!) but for right now its ok. Think I'm learning to sit in the moment. Better late then never eh? Are so looking forward to this weekend. Its all about ME! Off to see West Side Story tomorrow night, then breakfast at Southbank and the markets and then the art gallery on Saturday, and dinner out of Saturday night, then catching up with...

I blog in my sleep...

... or at least blog while I'm trying to fall asleep. I write whole posts in my head. witty, well thought out, even inspiring on occasion. Now if I can just figure out how to download my brain entries onto the computer. Would save the whole boring task of typing it up.......

Succulent Wild Woman ...

... that's what I want to be. I remember several years ago seeing a book by that name. The cover was beautiful, colourful, vivacious, joyful... Succulent Wild Woman was written by Susan Kennedy. Yesterday I was thinking about that book, and googled it - thank god for google eh? and there was that beautiful colourful vivacious joyful artwork leaping off the screen. I signed up for her eNewletter. I read through her site. checked out her latest book Glad No Matter What: Transforming...

spring

I love this time of year, when it starts getting darker later. Yesterday I went to pick up Aston from daycare, and took Nathan, Trixie and a soccer ball with me. Laura was already in town, so I arranged for her to meet us at the park. I dropped into the supermarket to grab some things, including a bag of lollipops, and met the kids at the park. It was so funny watching this little puppy running full tilt, chasing Aston, Nathan and Laura, playing soccer - much to Nat's delight. We were all in hysterics...

looking....

Loking for answers, when I've forgotten what the questions were. Looking for redemption,when I'm not sure what was sin. Looking for forgiveness,when I'm uncertain if I did wrong Can someone please tell me why I have to be so strong...

halloween...

... is not a custom that I have followed. It seems to be becoming increasingly popular here in Australia. The novelty of dressing up in costumes and getting a haul of lollies and chocolates being the biggest pull - and the reason to throw a party is always good as well. I went reading about halloween this morning - more to confirm what I thought it was about. It goes back as far as the celts, and has grown from there - taking on more meaning as more cultures adopted as its own. the meaning that...

soo...

.... I'm not dying. I don't have cancer. Thank friggin god!!! Had the colonoscopy done yesterday. Got there at 10.15 feeling like I had been hit by a truck. Self induced diarrhoea is more horrible - if that is at all possible - then the gastro type. Was feeling light headed, achey, dizzy, and downright revolting. didn't help that my anxiety was ramped. When I got up on the table to be sedated I started shaking. When I woke up, I was shaking, and burst into tears. The nurse who was looking after...

spinning...

...round and round. my head that is. trying hard to not get sucked into the vortex of worry... but not succeeding very well. I'm almost numb. I hope that after Friday I will feel better. I guess that all depends on the result. breathing out... dizzy yet? This is what my head feels like....

when the sun is shining.....

.... it does amazing things for me all round. Not only does it get the washing dry, but lightens my soul, which has been heavy of late. Quite spontaneously we - as in me and the three kids - went to Noosa Main Beach this afternoon. Had hot chips on the beach. Laura and Nathan swam together - I should have got that on film! Laura took Aston out in the waves, and he was both amazed and terrified that there were fish in the water. Him and Nathan played for ages in the sand, and I sat and watch the...

blogs

I love the things you fall upon on the Internet. Having become a blog whore I have found many new and interesting blogs of late. From the heart wrenching to the creative (she is so clever!!) to the inspiring - (how hard is it to just be nice?) to the honest and humorous, challenging, far reaching . I love that daddy's are now blogging too. Its both refreshing, and at times for me a little bittersweet. I have no desire to cultivate a following. Quite happy blogging along in relative...

42 before 42....

I was recently reading a blog, that had a list of 30 things she wanted to achieve before she turned 30. So as it is only 3 months until I turn 41 (where the frig has this year gone??? I swear it was only last week I was turning 40!!) I decided that I'm going to make a list of things that I want to do before I turn 42 - which gives me 15 months to do them. so here goes: 1. finish the teachers aide course and have a job 2. sold some of my paintings. 3 get divorced 4 sorted out my health 5. be exercising...

changes in the wind

so another week passes. I had to end up getting drops for my eyes - which once used thankfully cleared up the demonic look that was going on. I had a friend and her two little girls come and visit for a couple of days, which broke up the monotony that is the school holidays - especially wet school holidays. Wednesday there was a break in the weather, and we all trailed off to the "duck park" as A calls it, and fed the ducks, and eels, and turtles. There were even a pair of swans and their seven...

feeling like something out of a vampire movie....

seriously. you should see my eyes. the whites of my eyes are a beautiful shade of red, highlighted with pus worn as eyeliner and mascara... gorgeous look. You know how they had the whole herion chick look happening a few years ago - well this could be a new fashion look. all you need to do is get conjunctivitis and your set. How the hell did I get conjunctivitis? no one else in the house has got it. And getting this has just added insult to injury after the crappy week I have had. My period arrived...

on the head of a pin...

... life can turn. thank god! Friday I went to the Spirit House Cooking Classes with Mr Darcy. I brought it as gift for him for his birthday - motivated by the fact that I have wanted to do this for eight years, and it seemed like a good idea. Had a brilliant time. the food, as always, was amazing, plus the company was pretty good too. :-) I had organised for all three kids to have sleep overs at their friends place. They were more interested in what they were going to do, then what mum...

a crappy post

you know those days when you wake up, and the first feeling that hits you is irritability? That's how I am today. from the moment I opened my eyes I have felt irritable, and cranky, and sore. My tummy is sooooooo sore. I have been contemplating for the last half hour or so why I'm feeling so irritable - A? no - he's been pretty good today, and slept well last night. L & N? hmmm no not them either. Mr D? no - saw him on Monday, and had a lovely day, and are seeing him tomorrow, and he's having...

wordless

Sometimes words come easily. they just flow out of me like water... sometimes so fast my fingers can't keep up with my head. Other times its like there aren't the right words to say what I'm feeling, experiencing, doing, seeing. That's how I feel at the moment. so instead of writing, I think I will put some photos up instead... Dancing to his inner music My gorgeous bo...

mamma mia....

Me and My girl. well I got through father's day relativly unscathed... did feel...

Father's day

is this Sunday. Its been on my mind for a couple of weeks now... brings up a myriad of emotions for me. Sadness for my children, and sadness for the little girl inside of me... and consequently the stress that comes from needing to mother ALL OF THEM... which then leads to frustration and anger at the fathers... and round and round we go. This year I got the kids to pick father's day cards out to send to their fathers. I have no idea if L & N's father will follow through with reconnecting with...

blog whore, whining, and mundane drivel

I think I am quite possibly becoming a blog whore... Every day I log onto my laptop - love my laptop... would be devastated if something happened to my laptop... oh that just sounds sad and pathetic... I really must get a life. - anyway - where was I - oh yes- logging onto my laptop... I open up Yahoo, to check my emails, facebook, to see what everyone is doing, feeling etc (facebook really is the ultimate in voyeurism I think) and then I check the blogs that I read. Mamamia then Emily Everywhere and...

cycles and full moons

My cycle - my menstrual cycle that is - has fallen in line with the moon cycle. Every full moon for the last 4 months I have started my period. The full moon always plays havoc with my psyche anyway - add hormonal influences into the mix as well... and well its an interesting result to say the least. I get cranky, and irritable, and restless, and moody, and irrational, and teary.... not very pleaseant to be around altogether really. On Tuesday morning I woke up with a cracking headache, that I...

counting my blessings...

This morning I came across this article Count your Blessings from the Heal your life site. So I have decided in an effort to become more aware of the blessings I have in my life - no matter how small, or insignificant someone else may thing they are, that I need to be aware of them, and acknowledge them. When we focus on abundance, our life feels abundant; when we focus on lack, our life feels lacking. It is purely a matter of focus. - Susan Jeffers So here goes... lets see how many I can get...

things that make you go hmmmm...

been a while between posts. Not because I haven't had anything going on, or had anything to say, but because I have started self censoring a lot... here, in my personal life, the things I say aloud - sometimes the things I even think... Which kind of defeats the purpose of having a blog really - a space where I can dump down things that pop into my head, whether they are sensible, or nonsense, funny, or glib, boring or downright hysterical... so what has been going on in my little world.... well...

round and round and round and round.... does it ever friggin stop??

I have often said that I feel like I was dropped from outerspace into my family - the one I came from - not the one I have made. God is that feeling amped tonight!! I got home about half an hour ago (10.30pm) from picking up my neice Louise - left at 7.15, just after dinner - thinking I'd be back by 9 at the very latest. After I had gotten off the phone this afternoon to Lou, I rang my sister, and sent her a text, to tell her that Louise had contacted me, and ask to come and live here....

swings and roundabouts...

been a bit like that since I last posted. up down and all around. Things between L and I have settled down. The rules, and consequences have made a big improvement to the house overall, and I feel far more in control. I went away for the weekend to Melbourne with Mr Darcy. Was so wonderful, and just what I needed to do. The change of scenery, and doing something that was just about me (and him) was brilliant. I know that I need to do it more regularly, and not leave it until I feel like I'm going...

endings and beginnings.

oh what an interesting week it has been.... Sunday I took L to see her Best Friend because it was her 13th birthday, and I had brought her a present from L and I and I wanted to see her as well. 13 is special. She lives about 20k drive away. Which when you are on as tight a budget as I am is a lot. Nathan was at friends so L, A and I went out to the friends place. I decided to stay and have coffee and cake with mum, and thought that it was better then driving all the way home, to turn around and...

Pity Party

one week down of the school holidays. one to go... hate it when the days all fold into each other, one after another, with nothing much to differentiate one from the next... sign of boredom. Went to my appointment with the Parenting Orders Program on Tuesday. Didn't that rip off a bandaid that I wasn't even aware that I had on. Rang KL in the evening howling down the phone... feeling extremely sorry for myself, and the choices that I have made in regards to the two noticeably absent fathers that...

Who'd have thought....

that reading back on my own blog could be inspirational? Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old. Ralph Waldo Emerson came across that quote as I was reading back. ... very timely, and it helped shift my perspective, and let me fall calmly from my heightened state of vigilance ... arhhh that's better. Think I'll have to...