Life on the hill: 2010

Monday, December 13, 2010

Some days...

.... you can wake up and before your feet even hit the floor your in a cranky mood. PMT will do that to a girl.

So feeling like I could bite the head off the first person who came within 2 metres of me, I reluctantly got out of bed. Seeing it was the four year old who was the first person who came near me, I dug deep and offered him breakfast instead of decapitating him. He does look rather cute with his head - his dimples will do it everytime.

I had the big idea that I would print off some Christmas colouring in pages for A. Ten minute maximum kind of job right? WRONG - three hours (yes you read right!) later.... After selecting a candy cane, Santa, Bells, presents, I took my lap top to the computer desk and connected it to the printer. Nothing. Run through some diangositc tests. Still nothing. Seems my offspring - as in the two older ones - have successfully stuffed up both USB ports on my laptop. Great.

So I get on the kids computer, download some pictures, go to print them. There are no drivers for the printer. great. have a minor melt down, involving some yelling at the offspring for stuffing up my computer. search for drivers, and download them, which - because its on the kids computer - takes over an hour to download. Finally get the printer up and working, and manage to print off colouring in sheets.

A is very excited about them. So him, N and myself colour them in. Going to cut them up and stick them on the window tomorrow when we put the tree up. We had planned to do the tree on the weekend, but mummy had a few beverages on Saturday night and was feeling a tad seedy on Sunday....

L went out to the movies today. She also managed to be on the recieving end of the wrath of mummy - what else are mobile phones for if not to ring up your offspring and yell at them for stuffing up your computer? So I felt rather small when I picked her up this evening from the bus stop and she handed me a notebook to put in my bag, with special mum, and inside she had written :

A mum is someonethat understands your past, believes in your future and accepts you today just the way you are...

Mum, we have been through a lot in the past 14 nearly 15 years. Some good, and of course some bad. But you're my mum that's what our relationship is about. It makes it stronger. And we learn from them. I got this little notebook so when you're angry, or when we fight, I want you to look at this and remember no matter what I say or do I really do love you. Your Daughter, Laura

If mothers were flowers, I'd pick you.

There isn't anyone else that I would've asked to be my mother.

You're my role model. I look at you and think, I hope I will be a amazing as you... except for you talking with your mouthful!! hahaha. But seriously, I do mum, You're amazing.

What's funny is i remember both my brothers being born. Despite what I say about both of them, I do love them and would take a bullet for either of them. We are an amazing little family and we could live off each other.

I remember when me and Al broke up. And I went to my room and cried. You came in and just held me while I felt like my heart had been ripped out... Thank you for being the one I could count on.

You know how they say you get wiser with age? I reckon it's true. That or we're losing our mind! haha. I feel like I do get wiser each day but I think the most past is cuz you influence me. I love you mum.

As I read these beautiful words, I started to sob. USB ports? who cares... Really... In the big scheme of things it is so not important.

So some days.... when you feel like you are cranky before you even get out of bed - end off pretty damn amazing.

epiphanies...

As I said in a previous post, I have been reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. And honestly, there are times when I think she has downloaded my brain!!! There have been so many times where I read a paragraph of what she has written and thought, I have actually felt/thought/consider/comtemplated just that. The difference being that in many cases I have not acted on those feelings/thoughts/considerations/contemplations....

But I have started to.

As I was driving to catch up with a friend today for lunch I became aware of how I was feeling... and I was feeling happy. The epiphany was I feeling happy because of me. No-one else had made me feel happy, was the instigator of my happiness, the creator of my happiness or the cause. Just me... feeling happy for being... in my own skin... breathing.. alive...

I felt like this...

I achieved it... and quicker then I thought - View of the sunset from my house. Peaceful isn't it. That's the feeling I'm going for. The one that is invoked when I look at this picture.

Becoming my own best friend

I'm reading Eat, Pray, Love at the moment. There are many many moments where I feel like I could have written the words, she has described an experience or feeling so aptly that I recognise it as my own.

There is one description in the book where she talks about seeing her reflection, and before realising it was HER reflection, she thought is was someone she knew...

well it got me thinking. I am for the most past a very good friend. I support my friends, listen to them, help them out - put myself out there for them. Yet I don't do those things for myself.

I recently brought myself an "I love you" present of a stirling silver ring with my birthstone garnet on it... a symbol that I love me. So continuing on from that I would like to introduce you to me - my new best friend.

four years ago today...

... my youngest son was born.

This is such a bittersweet day for me. It was my best birth experience. Within a couple of minutes of Aston being born he was placed on me, skin to skin, with warm blankets placed over both of us. I have no recollection of them sewing me up, because I was too busy falling in love with this amazing gift that had been given to me.

I had so desperately hoped that his arrival would mark the beginning of an awakening in R - Of selflessness, of understanding, of healing, of kindness.... unfortunately it wasn't to be. But I realise now that it marked an awakening in ME... of healing, of understanding, of forgiveness, of joy... of rainbows after storms...of so many things. He helped me to re-focus on what was really important, after being through trying times. He helped me re-focus on what was really important in my life.. the present of my three children, and the lessons that I have learnt from all of them, and continue to learn.

Aston was born with the innate ability to bring joy. He has a sense of humour that belies his years. If he gets someone laughing - really deep belly laughing, then he has accomplished his mission. He also has deep emotional intelligence, and can pick up on someone's sadness quickly, and will often asked me why someone is sad, having only been around them briefly.

I will sit and watch him, and consequently end up viewing the world through his eyes... and what a gift that is. Because the world is a pretty amazing place... especially when you peel back the layers of cynicism, bitterness, anger, frustration... and view it through the purity of a child's eyes.

ONE

TWO

THREE

FOUR!!!

out with the old...

.... and in the with the new.

I believe that for new things to be able to enter your life, you have to make room for them by getting rid of things you no longer need/use/want....

So FINALLY I have started getting rid of stuff. early last week I went through the play room. Two massive garbage bags and several shopping bags, and a box of stuff went in the bin. The car boot is full to the top of stuff to take to the charity bins. My art stuff is tidy, and some paintings even on display.

all the toys have a place, the tv is back, with the playstation in tow. Maybe now I will get my lounge room back....

48 hours...

So I started my weekend away after dropping the boys off driving two hours to Brisbane. Was an easy drive, and I didn't get lost so I was rather happy with myself. Then I got out of the car... seems my knee doesnt particularly like being in a similar position for two hours at a time still... was a bit creaky and sore when I got out of the car. I had plenty of time to get ready, have a corona with lime, and sit back and relax. My cousin's partner drove us in to the theatre and we were throughly entertained by the production... especially the nice hot bodies prancing around the stage...... yum.

On Saturday I woke up feeling particularly revolting... my period had arrived. Joy. and the pain was incredible. So the idea of walking around southbank markets, or the art gallery was somewhat unappealing. add to that weather being some what unco-operative, we decided to go to the movies. We saw The Social Network. It was an interesting movie about the creation of facebook. How factual it was I'm not sure, but I enjoyed it. And sitting down for a couple of hours was far more appealing then walking around...

There are new markets up the road from my cousin, so we checked them out in the afternoon, and I decided to spoil myself. My oil burner that I loved broke, and I am missing having melts burning. So I was on the look out for a new one.... and found this --------------------------->>>> I LOVE IT! It looks amazing when its lit. I have put it in my room, and it marks the beginning of me revamping my living space.

I also decided to buy myself an "I love you" present - because I love ME! Looked at lots and lots of different rings... I had an idea in my head of what I wanted. I had seen a ring in Tree of Life that I liked, but it didn't fit. I finally found one that fit and was just perfect.

In the afternoon after we got back Annie and I made melts and candles. She is in the process of setting up her own business of melts and candles. It was so relaxing and lovely sitting at my cousin's house, surrounded by candles, and melts, the air infused with scent, Corona and lime in hand, and good music. was some what sublime.

I am going to start making melts and candles as well, and sell them for her under her business name here on the coast. On wednesday I'm going to order the supplies, and on monday and tuesday I am going to go scouring the op shops looking for containers to make candles in....

really looking forward to it. feeling ready to shed another skin, and let my new one shine....

the end of 2010 is quickly approaching...

... and I just had a re-read of the first post for the year

so what off that list have I done...

got a tattoo - two actually.
reconnecting with my children every day, and laughing, playing, dancing, singing, and just being with them.
painted - a little.. not as much as I would have liked to - but the year isnt over ;-)
write - have been - here on this blog
decided not to move house until I have to go

I think that the first on my list I have achieved, or are achieving. I was thinking about this the other day. I remember Anne, my therapist saying to me that I would need at least 12 months to recover, to start feeling more in control, and less in a state of chaos. and its nearly 12 months. At the end of January it will be 12 months since I made the decision to completely cut R out of my life. And while it has been tumultuous at times, I don't think its been traumatic. I do feel calmer, and more in control, and more peaceful...

work in progress...

we're all going on a summer break...

... well that's kind of what this weekend is... a break. and while we aren't all going to together, every one of is excited. Aston has beent talking about going away all week, Nat loves to hang out with his best mate any time, and Laura gets to do girly stuff all weekend. None of them could care less that Mum is going away for the weekend...

Had the strangest dream last night - very intense, and um... er... yeh... intense. Starring Mr Darcy. wtf?? Maybe because originally this weekend I was going to be spending with him? Needless to say I'm feeling somewhat frustrated today. I'll be glad when "he" is just a distant memory. Even though I know that I did the right thing in ending it with him - I did really like him... even if he did annoy me at times. sigh.

bloody itches that need scratching...

the counter...

... you know that "gadget" on the side of this blog that counts the number of visitors?

I'm wondering why I put it there. Vanity? Stupidity? the begininings of truly being a blog ~~whore~~ ahem I mean mum...

from here do I go to advertising? buttons? inane posts (oh, already do that...)

Nah - can't be arsed. all seems like too much work personally. and I already have enough stuff that I don't keep on top of...

so I guess for now I will just keep the little counter gadget for my own curiosity, and the knowledge that somebody stops by to read the ramblings of moi.

its all about me...

I feel somewhat at ease with where my head is at the moment. Mind you that can all change of the head of a pin, (especially as my body is fraught with PMT hormones!!) but for right now its ok. Think I'm learning to sit in the moment. Better late then never eh?

Are so looking forward to this weekend. Its all about ME! Off to see West Side Story tomorrow night, then breakfast at Southbank and the markets and then the art gallery on Saturday, and dinner out of Saturday night, then catching up with my best friend on the way home on the Sunday... 48 hours or more all about me!!! The chance to dress up, wear heels, eat yummy food, get a little drunk, not have to worry about anyone else but myself..... bliss.

can you tell I'm a little bit excited?

I blog in my sleep...

... or at least blog while I'm trying to fall asleep. I write whole posts in my head. witty, well thought out, even inspiring on occasion.

Now if I can just figure out how to download my brain entries onto the computer. Would save the whole boring task of typing it up....

Succulent Wild Woman ...

... that's what I want to be. I remember several years ago seeing a book by that name. The cover was beautiful, colourful, vivacious, joyful... Succulent Wild Woman was written by Susan Kennedy. Yesterday I was thinking about that book, and googled it - thank god for google eh?

and there was that beautiful colourful vivacious joyful artwork leaping off the screen. I signed up for her eNewletter. I read through her site. checked out her latest book Glad No Matter What: Transforming Loss and Change into Gift and Opportunity and felt like she was speaking to ME. that she was right here in front of me speaking to me. Have you ever had that happen? Read something and felt like the author had be viewing your life? Needless to say the book has gone on my list of books - but right at the top.

for signing up to her site, you get access to three days of her Awesome Adventure Anytime - a 30 day program that she has designed. The first of the emails arrived - Change in Routine. In it she makes suggestions about changing your routine - by changing your routine, you can get out the funk you may have fallen into... the funk I have fallen in to. So I am going to actively try to climb out of the funk hole.... and will begin by changing my routine...

how - not quite sure yet - but stay tuned - I'll let you know. I'm on the journey of becoming a Succulent (I LOVE that word) Wild Woman.

spring

I love this time of year, when it starts getting darker later. Yesterday I went to pick up Aston from daycare, and took Nathan, Trixie and a soccer ball with me. Laura was already in town, so I arranged for her to meet us at the park. I dropped into the supermarket to grab some things, including a bag of lollipops, and met the kids at the park.

It was so funny watching this little puppy running full tilt, chasing Aston, Nathan and Laura, playing soccer - much to Nat's delight. We were all in hysterics at her antics. Such little things, that brought lots of joy. On the way home, with the radio blaring, I glanced in the rear vision mirror, and Aston was singing his heart out to Rhiannon, face scrunched up in emotion, playing the air guitar. Well that was it, Nathan, Laura and I were in fits of laughter, which just made Aston rock out even harder. We were sitting in the car outside of the house doubled over in laughter while he did a re-endition of a Paramour song. No twinkle little star or ba ba black sheep for this boy thank you.

So good to laugh... really is the little things that make your heart smile.

looking....

Loking for answers,

when I've forgotten what the questions were.

Looking for redemption,

when I'm not sure what was sin.

Looking for forgiveness,

when I'm uncertain if I did wrong

Can someone please tell me

why I have to be so strong?

halloween...

... is not a custom that I have followed. It seems to be becoming increasingly popular here in Australia. The novelty of dressing up in costumes and getting a haul of lollies and chocolates being the biggest pull - and the reason to throw a party is always good as well.

I went reading about halloween this morning - more to confirm what I thought it was about. It goes back as far as the celts, and has grown from there - taking on more meaning as more cultures adopted as its own. the meaning that stood out for me the most was it makes the change of seasons, the end of one, the beginning of another.

so with that in mind - today makes the end of a season in my life - and the beginning of another... one full of abundance and richness, love, life and celebrations. I have much to be thankful for. and will constantly remind myself of that - to encourage myself to look forward, to "be not the slave to my own past. plunge deep into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far."

soo...

.... I'm not dying. I don't have cancer. Thank friggin god!!!

Had the colonoscopy done yesterday. Got there at 10.15 feeling like I had been hit by a truck. Self induced diarrhoea is more horrible - if that is at all possible - then the gastro type. Was feeling light headed, achey, dizzy, and downright revolting. didn't help that my anxiety was ramped. When I got up on the table to be sedated I started shaking. When I woke up, I was shaking, and burst into tears. The nurse who was looking after me was very lovely, and got why - without explanation - why I was crying. Unlike the specialist who was embarassed and made glib jokes. Some men just cant cope with tears.

What I do have is IBS. Surprise surprise surprise ... its more common in people who suffer from anxiety and depression. Have been doing some reading, and are going to keep a diary of foods and moods, and see how my tummy is as well, in the hope of being able to eliminate any possible foods that may be triggering it.

I spent alot of time crying yesterday. I didn't realise how much I have been holding my breath. The crying was a release I guess.

Also did some soul searching, and have come to the realisation that I need to step back for a while from my S-i-l and B-i-l. Its too painful, and hurts too much to be in contact with them so much. And to hear about things that R is doing - which is all the same stupid things that he has always done.

So one fire is out, will move on to the next one on Monday - dealing with being responsible for the personal loan that is in both of our names. Have pretty much made a decision about what I am going to do in regards to that one, but need to make some phone calls and find out all the legalities and reprecussions before I put it in place.

Having to dig deep at the moment for inspiration, motivation, and willingness...

"You can see the glass as half empty, or you can see it half full. You can focus on what's wrong in yourlife, or you can focus on what's right. But whatever you focus on, you're going to get more of. Creation is an extension of thought - think lack, and you lack. Think abundance, and you get more."

My life is abundant because:

right now, right this very minute, I'm laying on my bed looking at the most amazing view of the mountain, feeling a light spring breeze play on my skin, can hear the music my daughter has set up in the shed for the halloween party she is having tonight. Their excitement of having a party is contagious. Instead of dissing her little brother, and his delight at wanting to dress up too, she has eagerly embraced it and helped him get dressed in his spiderman costume.

my daughter is amazing. so incredibly different to who I was at the same age. She is passionate, forthright, confident, intelligent, empathetic.... and so much more. I'm blessed, truely blessed to have her in my life. She took the day off school yesterday to look after A while I was having the procedure done.

I am so lucky to have three amazing children... They make my life truely abundant, and rich beyond measure.

:-) feeling decidely better now... change the perspective and the view improves remarkably.

spinning...

...round and round.

my head that is.

trying hard to not get sucked into the vortex of worry... but not succeeding very well. I'm almost numb.

I hope that after Friday I will feel better. I guess that all depends on the result.

breathing out...

dizzy yet? This is what my head feels like....

when the sun is shining.....

.... it does amazing things for me all round. Not only does it get the washing dry, but lightens my soul, which has been heavy of late.

Quite spontaneously we - as in me and the three kids - went to Noosa Main Beach this afternoon. Had hot chips on the beach. Laura and Nathan swam together - I should have got that on film! Laura took Aston out in the waves, and he was both amazed and terrified that there were fish in the water. Him and Nathan played for ages in the sand, and I sat and watch the waves, and passerbys, and the kids. Soaked up the sun, enjoyed the freshness of being outside.

Was really lovely, and just what I needed. :-)

blogs

I love the things you fall upon on the Internet. Having become a blog whore I have found many new and interesting blogs of late. From the heart wrenching to the creative (she is so clever!!) to the inspiring - (how hard is it to just be nice?) to the honest and humorous, challenging, far reaching . I love that daddy's are now blogging too. Its both refreshing, and at times for me a little bittersweet.

I have no desire to cultivate a following. Quite happy blogging along in relative anonymity, but I admire the people who do.

42 before 42....

I was recently reading a blog, that had a list of 30 things she wanted to achieve before she turned 30. So as it is only 3 months until I turn 41 (where the frig has this year gone??? I swear it was only last week I was turning 40!!) I decided that I'm going to make a list of things that I want to do before I turn 42 - which gives me 15 months to do them.

so here goes:

1. finish the teachers aide course and have a job
2. sold some of my paintings.
3 get divorced
4 sorted out my health
5. be exercising on the Wii at least 3 times a week
6. Learn how to dance at dance classes
7. have a firm stomache
8. grown my hair
9. be wearing contacts lenses again
10 at least once a month be doing something that is all about me - massage, live theatre, etc etc
11. gone on holiday somewhere by myself
12. gone on holiday with the kids
13 fallen in love with someone who values, respects, adores me
14 saved $2000
15 have my tattoo on my wrist finished.
16. had my tattoo on my side added to
17. culled all the unwanted, un-needed "things" in my life OUT
18. have a vege and herb garden productive
19. learn how to crochet
20.be re-enrolled in uni
21.new tattoo on base of spine.
22. have finished all the unfinished projects that I have - or gotten rid of them
23. get a new bed
24. get a dresser
25. double bed for laura
26. nose pierced
27.make all christmas and birthday presents for this year
28 reduce internet/phone/mobile/electricity costs and save the difference
29. gone to dreamworld/seaworld/wet'n'wild with the kids on a mini holiday
30. looked into getting a new to me car
31 learn to salsa
32 start zumba classes
33 water colour painting classes
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42

changes in the wind

so another week passes.

I had to end up getting drops for my eyes - which once used thankfully cleared up the demonic look that was going on.

I had a friend and her two little girls come and visit for a couple of days, which broke up the monotony that is the school holidays - especially wet school holidays. Wednesday there was a break in the weather, and we all trailed off to the "duck park" as A calls it, and fed the ducks, and eels, and turtles. There were even a pair of swans and their seven cygnts which was a pretty cool thing to see. It was lovely to step back outside of my doldrums, and see the world through the little people's eyes. A got so excited seeing everything... to see that complete joy - was contagious, and it allowed me to play. Put me in a much better frame of mind for a little while.

I can feel my anxiety ampping up though, so I have made an appointment at the doctors as I am afraid that the AD's aren't working effectively anymore.... mind you I do have to take into account that this time of year is always particularly traumatic for me... even if it takes a while for me to remember why. I have been concerned as to why my body has been in revolt, and it wasn't until I had a dream and woke from it that I remember what this time of year is. Seven years ago was the trial... and not only did I deal with that, but I also seperated from R, packed up the house, moved house, unpacked and lost a baby. Anyone of those things is traumatic in itself, let alone all of them over a three week period. I think about it now and kind of marvel that I did it... But I did, and survived. just.

I have downloaded the diy-divorce-kit, and will print it off this week. There is no reason anymore to wait. Plus there is some financial stuff going on that I have to sort out. Seems R has gotten himself in a right financial mess - no surprise there - but I have to ensure that it doesn't affect me, as I have a joint loan with him, that he was supposed to be paying instead of paying child support... but he hasnt been paying it - or child support. So I have organised for child support to garnish his wage, and I will pay the loan. I am not getting a bad debt against my name because he is an idiot.

It will be good to finalise this - my Sister in law informed me the other day that he is convinced that I'm just taking a break and when I wake up to myself I will take him back. picture me smacking my head with my palm!! Hell would freeze over before that would ever happen.

with getting the divorce papers organised comes a sense of the intense need to get rid of stuff... stuff that I have been putting off doing because it was too overwhelming to deal with. I need to break it down into increments. set myself a time of half an hour a day to just CULL stuff. I also think that in the new year I might start to look for somewhere else to live... still undecided about this one though. But first things first...

I have been reading a book called Fearless Loving by Rhonda Britten . My cousin gave it to me, saying it changed her life - I have the feeling it is going to have a profound effect on me. It has helped me to see a lot of how I conduct my relationships is from a place of fear, and how I can change - from reacting to responding.... Its interesting, and very revealing - and sometimes very painful. But I'm glad that I'm reading it. I needed to. I don't want to keep making the same mistakes over and over, and getting the same result. Its time to change, and grow, and be.

View of the sunset from my house. Peaceful isn't it. That's the feeling I'm going for. The one that is invoked when I look at this picture.

feeling like something out of a vampire movie....

seriously. you should see my eyes. the whites of my eyes are a beautiful shade of red, highlighted with pus worn as eyeliner and mascara... gorgeous look. You know how they had the whole herion chick look happening a few years ago - well this could be a new fashion look. all you need to do is get conjunctivitis and your set.

How the hell did I get conjunctivitis? no one else in the house has got it. And getting this has just added insult to injury after the crappy week I have had. My period arrived on Tuesday - like clockwork, with an abundance of pain with it. I have either been doped up on pain killers, or prone on my bed with a heat pack, or a combination of the two!!

Not feeling particularly happy at the moment. in fact are feeling pissed off at life the universe and everything in general... have a serious case of the sads, and feel - sorry - for - mes....

and on that note, and going to sign off, and go and sulk some more.

on the head of a pin...

... life can turn.

thank god!

Friday I went to the Spirit House Cooking Classes with Mr Darcy. I brought it as gift for him for his birthday - motivated by the fact that I have wanted to do this for eight years, and it seemed like a good idea. Had a brilliant time. the food, as always, was amazing, plus the company was pretty good too. :-)

I had organised for all three kids to have sleep overs at their friends place. They were more interested in what they were going to do, then what mum was up to! So I had 36 hours of being ME!! Was wonderful, and much needed. I have decided for my own sanity, I am going to do it every 8 weeks, something that is just for me. I have already organised my next adventure. Going to go and see West Side Story, and stay in Brisbane, with Mr D in November.... which is interesting- organising something that is in 8 weeks time with him. hmmm.

on other things that have nothing to do with my love life....

Seems I been sucked into the iPhone vortex with the rest of the population... try as I might to stay ambivelent about all that is iPhone, iPod or apple related... ... I think I want one. I know L does, and is trying as hard as possible to convince me how brilliant a birthday present it would be for her - her paying half of the contract per month.... not gonna happen - its like waiting for accident to happen doing that!! So I have been considering getting her an iPod instead for her christmas/birthday combined. But as with everything - there are two many options to choose from, and I decided I'll look another day. :S Wonder whether apple will start an iP annoymous group?

I have the beginning of the Teacher's Aid course, which I would like to make a start on this week, Monday has already gone, so I will have to put a big effort in tomorrow. Not much else to do - its pouring with rain and looks like it will be for the rest of the week .... which is going to make the school holidays oh so interesting.... hmmm.... maybe I will book in an adventure for the end of the school holidays for me so I can refill my cup??!!!

a crappy post

you know those days when you wake up, and the first feeling that hits you is irritability? That's how I am today. from the moment I opened my eyes I have felt irritable, and cranky, and sore. My tummy is sooooooo sore.

I have been contemplating for the last half hour or so why I'm feeling so irritable - A? no - he's been pretty good today, and slept well last night. L & N? hmmm no not them either. Mr D? no - saw him on Monday, and had a lovely day, and are seeing him tomorrow, and he's having a sleep over. so what the frig is it???

have come to the conclusion that its because of my tummy - and it being full of - well there is no other delicate way to put it really - shit. ... so I guess not really my tummy, but my intestines. I was supposed to have a colonoscopy on Tuesday, but had to cancel, as the person that was going to drive me to the appointment and bring me home was unable to do so as she had a sick child. that makes it the third time I have cancelled. and I really need to get this thing done. I have had bleeding on and off for months, a weird kind of spasm thing happening that when it unspasms you can actually you see my tummy undulate - like when your pregnant and the baby moves around! very freaky to say the least, and horrid constipation.... see - full of shit.

wordless

Sometimes words come easily. they just flow out of me like water... sometimes so fast my fingers can't keep up with my head. Other times its like there aren't the right words to say what I'm feeling, experiencing, doing, seeing. That's how I feel at the moment. so instead of writing, I think I will put some photos up instead...

Dancing to his inner music

My gorgeous boys

mamma mia....

Me and My girl.

well I got through father's day relativly unscathed... did feel a myriad of emotions, ranging from confusion to annoyance...

L and N rang their dad, who I discovered had tried to call both of them friday... that makes me happy - it shows effort on his part to reconnect.

Have recieved more emails from R - if I could insert an emoticon of me smacking my head against a brick wall that is what would be here... The last email I received from him unsettled me, and ended up feeling guilty and sad. but instead of reacting - which is what I usually do, I did nothing, and responded the next day. I'm glad I did. I was able to work through how I was feeling, and listened to my gut - and to borrow Mr Darcy's phrase - backed myself... I passed on the PoP's information and phone numbers to R, and told him not to email me again, or I would have to go to the police. He is doing what he usually does, sends an email, doesnt get the response he wants, sends another, then sends another, ranging from begging, pleading, emotional manipulation... if he doesn't listen to me, and sends another one, the next will be either a threat to himself, or something along the lines of "you wish I was dead dont you".... that's the usual pattern. At least my recovery from his behaviour is happening quicker... comes from the realisation that I have control over what I allow to affect me... I have a CHOICE.

other then the emotionally manipulative email from R - I had a lovely weekend. I went to Brisbane with L, and saw Mamma Mia the musical, with my cousin. We stayed in Brisbane, when shopping, went to the show, got to see some of River Fire, went shopping again on the sunday... all in all had a lovely time.... a girlie weekend as L put it.

I won tickets to a Fashion Parade in Brisbane this Sunday as well - so L and I going to that. Its a fundraiser for the ZigZag Foundation should be lots of fun... to dress up and pretend to be frivolous for the afternoon.

this morning I booked cooking classes at the Spirit House Its something I have wanting to do for YEARS, so I took the opportunity of it being Mr Darcy's birthday to book for two... Its nice to be doing things that I have wanted to do for a long time...

Father's day

is this Sunday. Its been on my mind for a couple of weeks now... brings up a myriad of emotions for me. Sadness for my children, and sadness for the little girl inside of me... and consequently the stress that comes from needing to mother ALL OF THEM... which then leads to frustration and anger at the fathers... and round and round we go.

This year I got the kids to pick father's day cards out to send to their fathers. I have no idea if L & N's father will follow through with reconnecting with them, but at least I know that I have done something that helps L & N reconnect. What HE does is his responsibility.... (a lioness growls in my mind at the thought of him hurting them...)

A also picked a card, and did a picture, and made something at daycare. I dropped all of it off at the S-I-:L's for her to pass on to him. I have received two emails again from him - both begging me not to contact the police, and asking to see A. I haven't responded to the second one - purely because there is nothing else to say.

I'm feeling the stretch of single motherhood rather hugely this week... my tolerance levels are in the negatives, and I know its because I have to refill my cup - but doing that can be at times incredibly hard, having to rely on friends to look after the kids... sometimes I would like to run away.

but I don't. just dig a little deeper, search for something from somewhere, try and change perspective, and see that even though at times I feel like I have it tough - in the big scheme of things - I really don't.

blog whore, whining, and mundane drivel

I think I am quite possibly becoming a blog whore...

Every day I log onto my laptop - love my laptop... would be devastated if something happened to my laptop... oh that just sounds sad and pathetic... I really must get a life. - anyway - where was I - oh yes- logging onto my laptop...

I open up Yahoo, to check my emails, facebook, to see what everyone is doing, feeling etc (facebook really is the ultimate in voyeurism I think) and then I check the blogs that I read. Mamamia then Emily Everywhere and occasionally The Mother of all Blogs ... sometimes, after I have posted my own usually mundane drivel here I press Next Blog.. and sit and read about strangers lives... Quite often after doing this I usually feel a whole lot better then I did when I started typing my mudane drivel. There is something some what carthetic about reading about other peoples problems and how they deal with them. Maybe its because quite often its the way they deal with what has been handed to them with a great amount of grace... and it puts my life into a much better perspective.

In reality - my life isnt really that bad. I live in a beautiful part of the world, have food in my fridge and cupboards, more clothes then I need, a huge big house, three relatively healthy children, a running car, money in the bank (no not a lot, but for the first time in I have no idea how long, there is a little money left at the end of each week! thank god I gave up smoking!!!) ... I really don't have anything to whinge about - so why do I?

I guess because its the human condition to whine... how do I stop doing that? How do I harness positivity, and even in the face of what feels like HUGE dilemmas not succumb to the the slippery slope of depression?

I was so cranky last night. A is at a stage where every afternoon the noise coming out of his mouth resembles that of a dentist drill... that never stops, until he is finally asleep. and its doing my head in. its such a catch 22 - he is doing it because he is overtired because he is no longer having a sleep in the day, and just wants mummy - but mummy doesnt want to spend time with him because he is revolting... sigh.

So today I have shoved dinner in the slow cooker, cooking rice right now, in the hope that because dinner will be ready when we get home, I will be able to avoid the whingggggggeeeeeeee.... see how that ones goes.

enough mundane drivel from me- shower calling, and things to do... procrastinated enough... oh wait - will just check out some other blogs first....

cycles and full moons

My cycle - my menstrual cycle that is - has fallen in line with the moon cycle. Every full moon for the last 4 months I have started my period. The full moon always plays havoc with my psyche anyway - add hormonal influences into the mix as well... and well its an interesting result to say the least. I get cranky, and irritable, and restless, and moody, and irrational, and teary.... not very pleaseant to be around altogether really.

On Tuesday morning I woke up with a cracking headache, that I had gone to sleep with the previous night. My periphal vision was on the way out.. which meant that a migraine was on its way. Light and noise were hurting my head, and I felt bloody lousy. All I wanted to do was get back into bed.... but the life of a single mummy with three children means that you have to make sure everyone else is ok FIRST before climbing back into bed. So I muddle through, my vision getting harder and harder to focus... got A to daycare, went straight to the chemist, got some Myersondal, and drove home, all the time thinking "I don't think I should be driving". Took two tablets and crawled back into bed - it was 9.45 by this time... I woke at 1.45... head hurting less and just that dreggy feeling of after having a migraine - get up go to the toilet, and yay!... period arrives.

talking about adding insult to injury!

Mr Darcy had asked to see me again this Wednesday, and I hadn't heard from him... which was pissing me off no end in my highly emotive state. After sending him a text, and attempting to call him to find out if we were catching up or not on Tuesday, I sent him a text on Wednesday morning telling him that he had perfecting being rude into a fine art, and that if was trying to piss Vicky off he has successfully succeeded!! about 15mins later my mobile rang - but as I was on the land line I didn't hear it, until A arrived in front of me with it... so i just text him saying Yes? You called? and kept getting A ready for daycare. On the way to drop him off, my mobile rang again, and it was Mr D.

We ended up meeting at Montville for lunch. I desperately needed to get out of the house and have a change of scenery. Apparently (mmmmm...) he had text me, and I hadn't recieved them.... He was most apologetic - and I told him he could buy me lunch!!! It ended up being a very lovely afternoon. Had lunch at the Poet's Cafe - my favourite cafe, and strolled around the shops in Montville. For right now I'm happy to see him when it suits me...

It's N's birthday tomorrow - he is 12.... N's birthday is always a very odd time for me... because of all that was going on around his birth - my relationship with his father was well and truly on the demise, I was in the midst of PTSS and Acute Anxiety, but not yet diagnosed... it was a pretty horrible time. Most of the first 18months of N's life is all a blur....

N's birthday also marks the first of the events of the next few months that I would quite happily just go to sleep for... from the 21st August until the 5 Jan I would like to hibernate.... But unfortunately that isn't an option... so I will suck it up and do N's birthday, father's day, R's birthday, A's birthday , christmas, then L's birthday... will go into automatic response mode I think............

counting my blessings...

This morning I came across this article Count your Blessings from the Heal your life site. So I have decided in an effort to become more aware of the blessings I have in my life - no matter how small, or insignificant someone else may thing they are, that I need to be aware of them, and acknowledge them.

When we focus on abundance, our life feels abundant; when we focus on lack, our life feels lacking. It is purely a matter of focus. - Susan Jeffers

So here goes... lets see how many I can get to today
1.The sun was shining, and the hint of spring is in the air
2.I got to chat to my best friend for an hour
3.I got to go back to sleep for an hour
4.Nathan looked after Aston
5.Nathan took the washing off the line for me, and put the dishes away
6.I have food in the cupboard to randomly make muffins, and cheese and vegemite scrolls
7.for the first time in a long time I have money in my bank account
8.my bills are all paid
9.I'm a week in advance on my rent.
10.I got to have a cup of tea and chat with another good friend this evening
11.My daughter is conversing with me unprompted.
12.I got to read the sunday paper - online
13.I have a computer and internet access to be able to read the sunday paper online
14.My knee is feeling better and more flexible every day
15.I have food in my cupboard
16.I have somewhere to live.
17.I have a car to drive
18.I live in a beautiful place
19.I have three beautiful children that are relatively healthy and happy
20.I have so much stuff that I am able to give some of it away and not even notice it gone

things that make you go hmmmm...

been a while between posts. Not because I haven't had anything going on, or had anything to say, but because I have started self censoring a lot... here, in my personal life, the things I say aloud - sometimes the things I even think...

Which kind of defeats the purpose of having a blog really - a space where I can dump down things that pop into my head, whether they are sensible, or nonsense, funny, or glib, boring or downright hysterical...

so what has been going on in my little world....

well I have been listening to the bells, and acting on them. I started hearing a few go off in regards to Mr Darcy...just tiny little bells... that were getting progressively louder. Nothing horrendous - well not compared to my last relationship!! but there nonetheless.

We went to Melbourne, had a fabulous time... but the bells were ringing louder when I got back. And continued to do so for the next week or two. And after not acting on said bell ringing in the past, I promised myself that I would from here on in, so I did.

The long story short is that Mr Darcy and I want different things... I know what I want - and well, basically, he doesnt - if he ever actually has. I have the distinct feeling that what he wants can change on any given day, and that once the rose coloured glasses were removed when I started listening to the bells, I realised that I'm more of a grown up then he is, and that he is a drifter and a dreamer - charming - but not what I need in my life right now. So I pulled the pin.

The whole experience has been an interesting one to say the least. I learnt a lot from meeting him – about myself. What it is that I want, and what I deserve in a relationship. … To be treated with kindness and respect, to feel adored, to be wined and dined, and taken away for romantic weekends, to feel like the other person wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them… Also learnt that I’m a good person, with a good heart, and that now knows what she wants, and that she needs to be true to herself. I do want a significant other in my life. I thought I didn’t, but the last few weeks have shown me that I do want that person, someone to love me, someone to love, someone to laugh with, someone to support me when I need supporting – all the things that go with having a real relationship. I guess, from one perspective it means that I haven’t hardened my heart, and hate men completely.

Initially I did what I usually do - reacted, and cut off all forms of communication - deleted him from facebook, deleted his email address, deleted his phone number... blah blah blah... then after being somewhere for something that had completely nothing to do with him, I realised that if I want to stop behaviours that havent worked for me in the past, I need to change them, and instead of reacting - and pushing away, I need to learn how to respond to a situation - painful or otherwise. Mr Darcy had wanted to see me when he was down but I declined, but after having the above epiphany, I realised I owed it to him, but more importantly myself, to respond. So I caught up with him - and I think we will still be friends.

In the last couple of weeks, I have been feeling restless, but good. There is a sense of change about to come in the air - new things to happen. I feel like I'm a little more in control of the drama - and my reactions to it. Basically I guess I have realised that I have a CHOICE about whether I buy into the drama or not... I have a CHOICE about how I choose to react. When I get that "hand around my throat feeling" that makes me feel like I'm about to suffocate, I fight the urge to panic, and instead, push the "hand" away, and take a deep slow breath in and out.... Sometimes it works - sometimes it doesnt. And that's ok too.

I fell across a quote the other day that kind of summed up how I was feeling in a nut shell:

When you drop your expectations that a person, a situation, a place, or an object should fulfill you, it's easier to be present in this moment because you're no longer looking to the next one. Most people want to get what they want, whereas the secret is to want what you get at... this moment." Eckhart Tolle

round and round and round and round.... does it ever friggin stop??

I have often said that I feel like I was dropped from outerspace into my family - the one I came from - not the one I have made. God is that feeling amped tonight!!

I got home about half an hour ago (10.30pm) from picking up my neice Louise - left at 7.15, just after dinner - thinking I'd be back by 9 at the very latest. After I had gotten off the phone this afternoon to Lou, I rang my sister, and sent her a text, to tell her that Louise had contacted me, and ask to come and live here. She didn't answer, or reply. Rang my mother - to at least let someone know that Louise had contacted me, and that I had attempted to contact Kylie - mum... messy. sigh. understandable.

as i'm on the way down to get Lou, Kylie texts me, wanting me to call her. so I did. told her that I had spoken to Lou and that she wanted to come and live with me. Kylie's answer - You can have her. She's dead to me - I don't want anything to do with her - or you! and hung up on me. ten minutes later, my mobile rings - its Kylie. I cant understand a word she is saying... garbled howling, and in between ..,. he's dead... garbled howling. I yelled down the phone to her WHO IS DEAD?... because I thought she was talking about Jayden, my nephew. She says - BeBe My dog - He's dead! He just got run over - so I KNOW that Louise is dead to me - I got the dog for Louise, and on the day she leaves he get's run over!!! You can have her - good luck you gonna need it - she's a handful!" and hangs up again.

By now, I've slowed to a halt on the 110km/hour Bruce highway, because they are doing night road works on the friggin thing - and my battery on my phone starts beeping - i have one bar left. Great. Finally get going again after 20 mins. While I'm sitting there waiting - I'm thinking fuck - do I tell louise that her dog's been run over? or do I wait? she's already a mess....

blah blah blah blah.... See - that's why I SWEAR I was dropped by aliens into my family.

The journey home, Louise sitting in the passenger seat tears rolling down her face, and me holding her hand... stopped got a hot fudge sundae from Mickey Dee's drive thru - chocolate and icecream are good in a crisis...

Just reread what I have written - and there is a edge of hysteria in my written voice....

I spoke to her a little - she asked about school... - she goes to school in Mountain Creek. There is no physically possible way I can get her there - she starts at 7.30am. I said to her - darlin' there is no way I can get you there. I know how you are feeling right now - I really really do, and the last thing you want to have to do is start another friggin school (like me, she has been to oh - 14 probably...maybe more) .... Can I get a bus? she asks...

in the end I said to her to lets just get through tonight, and we will figure out what we are going to do tomorrow... I'll help her sort through it... somehow.

I want to THROTTLE my sister right now. I'm furious - on so many fronts - as a woman, as a mother, as her sister, as the kid that had very similar things happen to her! FUCK!!!! ...

breath Vicky.

swings and roundabouts...

been a bit like that since I last posted. up down and all around.

Things between L and I have settled down. The rules, and consequences have made a big improvement to the house overall, and I feel far more in control.

I went away for the weekend to Melbourne with Mr Darcy. Was so wonderful, and just what I needed to do. The change of scenery, and doing something that was just about me (and him) was brilliant. I know that I need to do it more regularly, and not leave it until I feel like I'm going to implode from frustration.

Mr D came for dinner on Sunday night, and a sleep over. It was the most amount of time that he has spent with me as a mummy. Was a little odd for me - he handled it on his ear - I on the other hand proceeded to drink most of a bottle of wine. :-S Anxiety was ramped....

The teen queen must have decided he is ok as she informed me the other night that when her computer priviledges return she is going to friend him on facebook - which I suppose is the highest compliment a teen can give in today's world.

N talked his ear off about gaming, and asked him to come and play a game with him - which is N's world means you watch him while he plays.... and Mr Darcy willingly obiliged.

A chats away to Mr Darcy, but is very very cuddly with me. Which I guess is to be expected.

We did have a lovely night, and the kids all went to school and day care the next day, and we went out to breakfast, which was very yummy. He wont be back until the 14/8 now, and I will see him after the weekend, as he is the godfather for his sister's youngest child, and the christianing is on the Sunday.

He is so easy to be with, its like coming home - warm, calm, welcome, relaxing, safe... and every time I spend time with him, I'm left wanting to spend more time with him.

falling....

endings and beginnings.

oh what an interesting week it has been....

Sunday I took L to see her Best Friend because it was her 13th birthday, and I had brought her a present from L and I and I wanted to see her as well. 13 is special. She lives about 20k drive away. Which when you are on as tight a budget as I am is a lot. Nathan was at friends so L, A and I went out to the friends place. I decided to stay and have coffee and cake with mum, and thought that it was better then driving all the way home, to turn around and go back and pick L up. Her friend ended up coming home with us for a sleep over.

L has had an arsey attitude for months now, talking back to me, not doing what I ask - or doing it after I have asked a billion times, then doing it like I've asked her for the shirt off her back. She has been treating me disrepectfully and rudely - just like R...

She was a little smart arse for most of the time her friend was here - and a one time in the evening called me a bitch and stormed off down the hall way. I was on the phone to Mr Darcy, and had asked to be left alone for a while, when she saunters in, music blaring singing at the top of lungs, A in tow... end of phone call. When I called her on it, she replies in a smart arse tone 'can't you take a joke?'

Monday I asked her if I could borrow $20 off her until Thursday - well fucking hell!! it was a big drama... so I told her not to bother, after reminding her that I had brought HER FRIEND HER BIRTHDAY PRESENT!! she had also wanted her friend to stay another night, and I vetoed that.

Tuesday had to go to the doctor - was a fairly uneventful day until about 6.00pm when I asked N to have a shower with A - and instead of doing what I requested, he proceeded to walk into the lounge room, change the channel and start watching the simpsons. Needless to say I was not happy - and told him in no uncertain terms. He started back chatting me, and I challenged him, he still keep going, and I slapped him around the face. L was in her room, watching a DVD - when I had asked her to fold up the washing. I went into her room, turned the DVD off, yelled at her - got a mouthful back - and then it was on for young and old.

Something in me snapped.... after being treated so badly by R for so long, and being on the receiving end of disrespect from L - and N, and even A.... I just lost it. Completely. Totally.

Long story short - it was a horrendous night - ending with me, locking myself in my car so that I didnt do anymore then I had already done. I was so distressed at myself for behaving in a manner that I HATE, and have tried so hard not to be that person. L and I ended up in a physical fight, with her totally coming undone once I confiscated her phone off her. She very viciously and purposely broke my glasses, snatching them off my head and snapping them in two. I ended up ringing my SIL because I was afraid of what I would end up doing.

Thankfully both my SIL and BIL came over - and stayed the night. L said some incredibly hurtful things - that were basically mimcry of the horrible things R used to say to me - commentary about my two failed marriages, calling me a slut, that I was a mental case, and that my father was a rapist.... it was the last statement that sent me over the edge.

L went and stayed at SIL's house for a couple of days. I couldn't even speak or look at her the next day. It took me until the Wednesday evening to start to calm down. And until the Friday , and a session with my counsellor on the Thursday to be able to work out how I wanted to deal with the situation.

There are new rules in my house... written in black and white up on the kitchen wall. Clear for everyone to see - and the first rule is TREAT EACH OTHER WITH KINDESS AND RESPECT.

When L came home on the friday even she was very quiet, and read the rules, and understood what was happening. There is a three strike rule - three strikes equals one week grounding - which entails no phone/no mobile/no internet/ no tv/no socialising. The rules apply to both her and N.

While I wish it had never happened - in some ways I think it needed to. It has MADE me refocus and re-estabilish who is in charge - ME, and consequently I feel more in control, and a little less unanchored. I will be making an appointment for L to see a counsellor, as its important that she finds healthier ways to deal with her anger... and as usual, I will keep on moving forward, and learning not to beat myself up along the way....

Pity Party

one week down of the school holidays. one to go...

hate it when the days all fold into each other, one after another, with nothing much to differentiate one from the next... sign of boredom.

Went to my appointment with the Parenting Orders Program on Tuesday. Didn't that rip off a bandaid that I wasn't even aware that I had on. Rang KL in the evening howling down the phone... feeling extremely sorry for myself, and the choices that I have made in regards to the two noticeably absent fathers that my children have... To borrow KL's words - was having a pity party.

Picked myself up and dusted myself off and kept going.

Tired of commentary about my weightloss. Its starting to really piss me off. Yesterday Nat went to a friends place for a sleep over, the mother came and picked him up. It has been a little while since I have seen her, but she commented about my weight, and that I was looking gaunt.... fuck... then proceeded to ask a whole lot of questions about my situation - financial, emotional and otherwise.... the thing that annoyed me isnt it wasn't coming from a place of empathy - but a place of sympathy - and there is a big difference. I despise people feeling sorry for me. I don't want anyone's pity... the only person who can come to my pity party is ME.

And here I was thinking i'm doing ok... a lot better then I was six months ago... out of a emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, rebuilding relationships with my children, not fantastic financially, but ok - paying rent, and bills, and feeding and clothing the kids... feeling better about myself then I have in years, on the receiving end of the affections of a very lovely man... and then someone looks at me with pity. hate it. it really got under my skin. makes me want to pick up and move. reinvent myself. confirms why I keep people in this small community at arms length, and keep all my friends outside of the community I live in.

sigh.

Who'd have thought....

that reading back on my own blog could be inspirational?

Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old. Ralph Waldo Emerson

came across that quote as I was reading back. ... very timely, and it helped shift my perspective, and let me fall calmly from my heightened state of vigilance ... arhhh that's better.

Think I'll have to write this one out for me to see every day... have just put it to go off on my phone at 11am every day...