Pity Party

one week down of the school holidays. one to go...

hate it when the days all fold into each other, one after another, with nothing much to differentiate one from the next... sign of boredom.

Went to my appointment with the Parenting Orders Program on Tuesday. Didn't that rip off a bandaid that I wasn't even aware that I had on. Rang KL in the evening howling down the phone... feeling extremely sorry for myself, and the choices that I have made in regards to the two noticeably absent fathers that my children have... To borrow KL's words - was having a pity party.

Picked myself up and dusted myself off and kept going.

Tired of commentary about my weightloss. Its starting to really piss me off. Yesterday Nat went to a friends place for a sleep over, the mother came and picked him up. It has been a little while since I have seen her, but she commented about my weight, and that I was looking gaunt.... fuck... then proceeded to ask a whole lot of questions about my situation - financial, emotional and otherwise.... the thing that annoyed me isnt it wasn't coming from a place of empathy - but a place of sympathy - and there is a big difference. I despise people feeling sorry for me. I don't want anyone's pity... the only person who can come to my pity party is ME.

And here I was thinking i'm doing ok... a lot better then I was six months ago... out of a emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, rebuilding relationships with my children, not fantastic financially, but ok - paying rent, and bills, and feeding and clothing the kids... feeling better about myself  then I have in years, on the receiving end of the affections of a very lovely man... and then someone looks at me with pity. hate it. it really got under my skin. makes me want to pick up and move. reinvent myself. confirms why I keep people in this small community at arms length, and keep all my friends outside of the community I live in.

sigh.