soo...

.... I'm not dying. I don't have cancer. Thank friggin god!!!

Had the colonoscopy done yesterday. Got there at 10.15 feeling like I had been hit by a truck. Self induced diarrhoea is more horrible - if that is at all possible - then the gastro type. Was feeling light headed, achey, dizzy, and downright revolting. didn't help that my anxiety was ramped. When I got up on the table to be sedated I started shaking. When I woke up, I was shaking, and burst into tears. The nurse who was looking after me was very lovely, and got why - without explanation - why I was crying. Unlike the specialist who was embarassed and made glib jokes. Some men just cant cope with tears.

What I do have is IBS. Surprise surprise surprise ... its more common in people who suffer from anxiety and depression. Have been doing some reading, and are going to keep a diary of foods and moods, and see how my tummy is as well, in the hope of being able to eliminate any possible foods that may be triggering it.

I spent alot of time crying yesterday. I didn't realise how much I have been holding my breath. The crying was a release I guess.

Also did some soul searching, and have come to the realisation that I need to step back for a while from my S-i-l and B-i-l. Its too painful, and hurts too much to be in contact with them so much. And to hear about things that R is doing - which is all the same stupid things that he has always done.

So one fire is out, will move on to the next one on Monday - dealing with being responsible for the personal loan that is in both of our names. Have pretty much made a decision about what I am going to do in regards to that one, but need to make some phone calls and find out all the legalities and reprecussions before I put it in place.

Having to dig deep at the moment for inspiration, motivation, and willingness...

"You can see the glass as half empty, or you can see it half full. You can focus on what's wrong in yourlife, or you can focus on what's right. But whatever you focus on, you're going to get more of. Creation is an extension of thought - think lack, and you lack. Think abundance, and you get more."

My life is abundant because:

right now, right this very minute, I'm laying on my bed looking at the most amazing view of the mountain, feeling a light spring breeze play on my skin, can hear the music my daughter has set up in the shed for the halloween party she is having tonight. Their excitement of having a party is contagious. Instead of dissing her little brother, and his delight at wanting to dress up too, she has eagerly embraced it and helped him get dressed in his spiderman costume.

my daughter is amazing. so incredibly different to who I was at the same age. She is passionate, forthright, confident, intelligent, empathetic.... and so much more. I'm blessed, truely blessed to have her in my life. She took the day off school yesterday to look after A while I was having the procedure done.

I am so lucky to have three amazing children... They make my life truely abundant, and rich beyond measure.

:-) feeling decidely better now... change the perspective and the view improves remarkably.