endings and beginnings.

oh what an interesting week it has been....

Sunday I took L to see her Best Friend because it was her 13th birthday, and I had brought her a present from L and I and I wanted to see her as well. 13 is special. She lives about 20k drive away. Which when you are on as tight a budget as I am is a lot. Nathan was at friends so L, A and I went out to the friends place. I decided to stay and have coffee and cake with mum, and thought that it was better then driving all the way home, to turn around and go back and pick L up. Her friend ended up coming home with us for a sleep over.

 L has had an arsey attitude for months now, talking back to me, not doing what I ask - or doing it after I have asked a billion times, then doing it like I've asked her for the shirt off her back. She has been treating me disrepectfully and rudely - just like R...

She was a little smart arse for most of the time her friend was here - and a one time in the evening called me a bitch and stormed off down the hall way. I was on the phone to Mr Darcy, and had asked to be left alone for a while, when she saunters in, music blaring singing at the top of lungs, A in tow... end of phone call. When I called her on it, she replies in a smart arse tone 'can't you take a joke?'

Monday I asked her if I could borrow $20 off her until Thursday - well fucking hell!! it was a big drama... so I told her not to bother, after reminding her that I had brought HER FRIEND HER BIRTHDAY PRESENT!! she had also wanted her friend to stay another night, and I vetoed that.

Tuesday had to go to the doctor - was a fairly uneventful day until about 6.00pm when I asked N to have a shower with A - and instead of doing what I requested, he proceeded to walk into the lounge room, change the channel and start watching the simpsons. Needless to say I was not happy - and told him in no uncertain terms. He started back chatting me, and I challenged him, he still keep going, and I slapped him around the face. L was in her room, watching a DVD - when I had asked her to fold up the washing. I went into her room, turned the DVD off, yelled at her - got a mouthful back - and then it was on for young and old.

Something in me snapped.... after being treated so badly by R for so long, and being on the receiving end of disrespect from L - and N, and even A.... I just lost it. Completely. Totally.

Long story short - it was a horrendous night - ending with me, locking myself in my car so that I didnt do anymore then I had already done. I was so distressed at myself for behaving in a manner that I HATE, and have tried so hard not to be that person. L and I ended up in a physical fight, with her totally coming undone once I confiscated her phone off her. She very viciously and purposely broke my glasses, snatching them off my head and snapping them in two. I ended up ringing my SIL because I was afraid of what I would end up doing.

Thankfully both my SIL and BIL came over - and stayed the night. L said some incredibly hurtful things - that were basically mimcry of the horrible things R used to say to me - commentary about my two failed marriages, calling me a slut, that I was a mental case, and that my father was a rapist.... it was the last statement that sent me over the edge.

L went and stayed at SIL's house for a couple of days. I couldn't even speak or look at her the next day. It took me until the Wednesday evening to start to calm down. And until the Friday , and a session with my counsellor on the Thursday to be able to work out how I wanted to deal with the situation.

There are new rules in my house... written in black and white up on the kitchen wall. Clear for everyone to see - and the first rule is TREAT EACH OTHER WITH KINDESS AND RESPECT.

When L came home on the friday even she was very quiet, and read the rules, and understood what was happening. There is a three strike rule - three strikes equals one week grounding - which entails no phone/no mobile/no internet/ no tv/no socialising. The rules apply to both her and N.

While I wish it had never happened - in some ways I think it needed to. It has MADE me refocus and re-estabilish who is in charge - ME, and consequently I feel more in control, and a little less unanchored. I will be making an appointment for L to see a counsellor, as its important that she finds healthier ways to deal with her anger... and as usual, I will keep on moving forward, and learning not to beat myself up along the way....