Life on the hill: November 2011

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

5 years in Pictures

Today five years ago, a little ray of sunshine entered the world. Some days he is like a thunder cloud - but most days he is sunshine and joy. Happy Birthday Aston. I love you ...

I have been out of sorts since my last post.... initially mentally and then physically. Early on the Friday morning after connecting with the linkup for Speak Out, I proceeded to read through other peoples posts. As I progressed through each one, my skin started to feel prickly, my heart rate increased, and I became increasingly more agitated. As is usually the case, with out realising until I was right in the middle of it, I had been triggered, and my anxiety was amped. I had a friend...

Shaking off the shame

I had mixed feelings when I saw that Wanderlust was speaking out against Domestic Violence. I admired her confidence in speaking out... I tingled with shame at my own story. You see, I grew up in a family where domestic violence - in all its categories... physical, verbal, mental, emotional, sexual - was the norm, not the exception. And I swore as a young adult that no-one would ever treat me like my mother (and every other woman that the sperm donor brought into my life) myself and...

old habits die hard...

Some habits take a while to stop. Well they do for me anyway. Especially ones that involve my psyche, guess it comes from having PTSD. My brain automatically goes to the programmed response - even though that response hasn't been required for quite a while now. Last week a girlfriend text me asking us to a trivia fund raising night for the local scouts. My internal dialogue went something like this: "M won't want to do this, he'll think its lame, stupid, dumb (any other adjective that is used...

when life was still pregnant with possibility...

I saw my daughter on Saturday for the first time since mid September... since everything tipped upside down. It was so good to put my arms around her and hold her - even if initially she was reluctant. Its the longest time I have ever not seen her in 15 years. It hurts still. I miss her terribly. I don't miss the fighting. But I feel like I've picked a scab, and it stings. Seeing her - well my internal dialogue is rampant again with the words failure. I wish I could rewind time... back...

My Pandora's box... part 1

The saying "opening Pandora's box" gets thrown around a lot. It comes from the myth of Pandora, and the box that she was given by the gods and told to never open it. Pandora tried to tame her curiosity, but in the end she could not do it; she opened the box and all the illnesses and hardships that the gods had hidden in the box started coming out. Pandora was scared, evil spirits sprung from the box and she fiercely tried to close the box as fast as possible, enclosing the only thing...