I have been out of sorts since my last post.... initially mentally and then physically.
Early on the Friday morning after connecting with the linkup for Speak Out, I proceeded to read through other peoples posts. As I progressed through each one, my skin started to feel prickly, my heart rate increased, and I became increasingly more agitated. As is usually the case, with out realising until I was right in the middle of it, I had been triggered, and my anxiety was amped.
I had a friend and her children coming for morning tea, and wanted to tidy up before she got here. I walked around the kitchen - quarter completing tasks, and only succeeding in creating more mess as I went and increasing my agitation significantly. By now that breathless feeling I get, dizzy and spacey, had started to descend, and I started to cry.
I stood by the kitchen sink and looked out my window.
The dialogue running rampantly through my head - what the fuck have I done?? Why do that? Publicly proclaim for all and sundry to see what a loser you are? Your insane.. mad! crazy! fucking idiot! ... was challenged by another voice.
"Breathe Vicky. There is no need to be afraid. Its been and gone and happened. You picked yourself up, dusted yourself off, and kept going. You survived. Its OK. Breathe."
So I did. I stood and looked out the window at the view, and drank in its beauty, and breathed. And slowly, the agitation started to be replaced by calm, the prickly skin and dizziness dissipated as I reconnected with my body, and I was able to tidy up, have morning tea with my friend, and participate in a reasonably healthy functioning conversation.
Big deal? Is for me.
When you have an anxiety disorder, being able to get to through it with out blasting off into the outer space regions of a full blown panic attack, is monumental. Especially if you do it with out pharmaceautical assistance aka valium. And for me, especially if I can do it with out the black dog landing on my back afterwards.
I went on to have a wonderful weekend with M and Aston, with a trip to the Circus, and beach BBQ with my soul sister and her children only to be knocked down with a cold at the end of it.
Now if only I can learn how to breathe through the onset of a cold and chase that away... then again, maybe my body just needed to rest, and recuperate. Anxiety is a bitch like that.
Brand new week. I wonder what it will bring?