Life on the hill: 2013

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Rebound

" or·bit n. 1. a. The path of a celestial body .... as it revolves around another body. " ...

I have so many thoughts and ideas swirling around in my head. It feels like it is going to burst in a kaleidoscopic mess. One thought doesn't end before it shoots off in another tangent. Another thought, another tangent. The noise in my head is deafening. But to look at me, you would think there was nothing going on inside. Sometimes - often - I look void of ... everything. Feelings, emotions, thoughts. While inside my head a cacophony plays. To still the noise in my mind I realised...

Closed for business

For reasons that are too painful to write about at the moment, I have decided to step away from the online world. I wanted to say thank you to all the people in cyber space who have supported me on my journey. Whatever way I have interacted with you online, thank you for your encouragement and kind words. They have always come when I needed them most. What the future holds for me and mine is anyone's guess. I just know that for...

Soul sisters and silver linings

In case you haven't noticed, things have been pretty full on for this single mumma of late. For the last 3 months, I have been a fire fighter. Since March, when I was notified of the parole hearing, the universe has continued to light fires directly in front of me to attempt to extinguish. My relationship with the man I gave my heart to (reading that post makes me cry) broke down. In reality, it started breaking down the moment we began residing together. Truth be told, I'm...

Fragmented

I can feel myself fragmenting Piece by shattered piece. To be put back together Like a puzzle, battered and chipped in places, The picture still beautiful when complete. Posted with Blo...

Too little... Too late...

I looked down at my phone. There was a text from him. "I miss you so much!!! I'm sorry for everything vicky. LYC " I pressed the lock button on the phone and threw it in my bag, momentarily thankful, after it hit my bag on the floor, that I'd spent that $90 on a case. It allowed for me take my second of frustration out on an inanimate object. Too little ... Too late. That was the thought in my head. Not sadness. Not anger. Irritation ... Hurt... I gave you my heart. And you didn't honour,...

Disconnected

Going through the motions, Doing the best I can. Feeling disconnected, From my body. From the land. A thousand pictures shows Keep running through my mind. I don't want this track to keep playing, I thought you were of my kind. I tremble, not with ecstasy Not like I once did. I tremble with the unknown Of things that I have hid. There is a weariness in my body That I haven't felt in the longest time. Don't surrender to it Vicky, Don't walk that dangerous l...

Tales from my table: Mum what's an alcoholic

Lots of conversations happen around my table between myself and my two teens. A lot of them I have to put my mother hat away, and put on my "I'm just having a conversation with two teenagers" hat. The difference is I have to emotionally detach from being their mother. Recently one such conversation involved a discussion around alcohol and alcoholism. Laura declared that she thought her father was an alcoholic. I was surprised, as when he and I were together that's not a label I would have given...

Boy to Man

He is always going to be my first born son. I just have to get my head wrapped around that he is now a young man.... Playing along with Trish at My Little Drummer Boys ...

(Product Review - this is not a sponsored post. I was gifted a $30 voucher and 'Rack of Chicken' to try. Opinions are my own. Authentic and with integrity.) Working both at home and at the art and craft store, means that dinner at my house is, on some days, complete madness. I'm exhausted and the last thing I feel like doing is cooking. Ever since I went to the Lenards function in February I have been trying out their tasty morsels. Because I have liked their Facebook page, I get regular notifications...

I spoke the truth

The truth will set you free. The irony of this statement is that it was the only good advice my father, my abuser, gave me. Today I will speak on the radio about how important it is to educate your children about sexual abuse and how to keep themselves safe. I'm free From about the age of two, every now and then Laura and I would read a story book called Yummy touches, Yukky Touches. It was a book that had been given to me from my counsellor when I asked her how I could teach...

I'm going to tell you a secret, but if you meet me in person you are NOT allowed to do it!

There are lots of things that make me feel uncomfortable. But for the sake of brevity (and the fact that I have already posted FFS Friday I will tell you all of one thing that makes me... (oh I'm shuddering just thinking about it...) uncomfortable. No, scratch that. It makes me feel physically ill. I loathe, detest, and despise Jelly. (For those of you reading in America, I'm referring to Jello, not Jelly, otherwise known here as Jam.) I know. It may sound completely crazy (and lets face...

I often read Dear Baby G FFS Fridays. It a weird kind of way it makes me feel better that the snap shots we see of other peoples lives aren't all photoshopped in amazingness. Not because I'm glad that they are having FFS moments, but because it puts my FFS into perspective. In reality life is full of FFS and wonderful moments. And because I choose to look at the half full glass most of the time, and push the FFS moments done, they often don't get acknowledged. And sometimes that just...

Turn on your creativity. Its in all of us

When I lived on the house on the hill, there was a huge play room. A place for my children to play, and hang out, and a place for me to create. Its the only place I have ever lived in that allowed me easy access to the things I use to create. I had a table, and book cases, and space for my easel. It was wonderful. When the children were at school, I would put on music - anything that my heart desired, and paint and paint and paint. I have lost count of the number of times I have heard people...

On the days when the thought of cooking dinner makes me want to run away, instead of calling for pizza, (because seriously have you seen how much pizza delivery is these days??!), I call on the quickest, easiest meal I can make. It's so easy my teenagers make it. (Actually the gangsta teen makes it the best, but shhhh, don't tell the teen queen). We always have bacon in our fridge, or ham. And always mushrooms, Parmesan cheese, and eggs. Pasta is a staple carbohydrate in my house. (When you have...

The tale of two sisters

Once upon a time there were two sisters. The elder one was born as the result of a liaison between a troubled, angry young man of 21, and a confused, lonely, vulnerable young woman of 22. After 3 months of the angry young man not leaving the lonely young woman alone, (staying in his car to sleep in the front of her home - oh my god, does anyone else see the alarm bells right now!!) they married. Within these three months the angry young man had already physically assaulted the lonely young woman...

Sunset.. Sunrise... All the same to him

I miss this place so very very much.... But my little man taught me a valuable lesson last week. He woke early, came into my room and said "Mum have you seen the sunset? Want to come and look with me?" (Sunset... Sunrise, it's all the same to him. It involves the sun.) Beauty is everywhere. Sometimes you just need someone to remind you to look for it. Posted with Blo...

Like a ball in pinball machine...

I said it aloud today. I am afraid. The fear that has been rolling around in my head. The fear that shot out of the ball chamber, ricocheting off alarms, pinging off buzzers, like a pinball machine. Except there is no exit. The ball of fear just hits another bumper, spinning off on another tangent, hitting another alarm. He is going to be released, and he is going to come looking for me. I wish saying it aloud, writing it down, made the fear feel less. But it doesn't. It feels very very real....

Can't see the forest for the trees (and other cliches)

image credit Even though I like to consider myself a relatively intelligent person, sometimes I can't see the forest for the trees. For the last couple of months I have felt like the medication that I take to help keep my anxiety disorder under control, hasn't been doing its job. I've experienced this before, and have usually undergone a med change. It seems that I am one of those lucky people who a particularly type of anti depressant works effectively for 12 to 18 months, then, for whatever...

The demonic monster that resides within

Sometimes, no matter hard you try, the fake-it-'til-you-make-it veneer cracks, and the raw, ugly, confusion, sadness, anger, and any other damn negative emotion that you have been desperately fighting to keep in, erupts. Slowly at first, a trickle, tears sitting on the rim of your eyelids, that you frantically blink away. Then you head starts to thump. Probably from all that gritting your teeth you have been doing for the last few weeks - a grimace that you pretend is a smile. Noise, even the tapping...

Worlds and atlases

No pretty pictures. Just words. Words that will probably make no sense. My veneer is rock hard. Underneath, I'm shaking. The internal dialogue is rife with questions and anguish. Punctuated with a lot of shhh... Shhh... Breathe.... I'm heart sore. Again. I think I must be attracted to dodgey salesmen. Ones that promise the world, but deliver faulty atlases. At least if it was a decent atlas I might be able to use a map to navigate my way out of this mess!! Being with your best friend, feeling...

In a nut shell. Where I am right now. Posted with Blo...

Thank you

Image credit Well, this is a little embarrassing. I was very surprised to receive an email the other night notifying me, that one of YOU, my lovely readers, nominated me for the Best Australian Blogs 2013 Competition. This is an initiative of the Australian Writers' Centre. The People’s Choice Award is now open. Which means YOU can now vote in the competition until 5pm on Tuesday 30 April 2013. While the entrants to the competition needed to be Australian, voting...

Affirmation art doodles

Playing along with Trish for wordless Wednesday My Little Drummer Boys Posted with Blog...

Branded.

There are some dates that are branded into my brain. Seared into the soft tissue, a deep, dark ugly scar. 21 March is one. 18 October 2013 is another. The first is the man that is my fathers birthday. The second - the day he is eligible for parole. It marks 9 years that he has been in prison. 9 years from when 12 complete strangers believed me and sentenced him to 12 years imprisonment for the abuse he committed against me. How did that nine years go so fast? Why is the monster...

Looking for fairies and unicorns, when all I can find are ogres and trolls

It's strange the things that trigger me. I'm still surprised when it happens. The come back from where the nightmares live is quicker, but the residual feeling of general irritability remains. Aston handed me this morning a worksheet that requested information on significant events that have occurred in his life, starting from age 1 through to 5. My initial reaction was to freeze, and dive into refusal to participate. A 100 images and memories played through my head in microseconds, none of them...

Doing the chicken dance while hat juggling

(Product Review - this is not a sponsored post. I was gifted a $50 voucher. Opinions are my own. Authentic and with integrity.) When I had children I made the decision that regardless of their sex, they would be self sufficient when they left home. And that means being able to cook something other then toast! Laura can cook independently, but doesn't particularly get enjoyment out of it. Nathan needs a little supervision and guidance with some dishes. He is building up quite a repatiore of...