It's strange the things that trigger me. I'm still surprised when it happens. The come back from where the nightmares live is quicker, but the residual feeling of general irritability remains.
Aston handed me this morning a worksheet that requested information on significant events that have occurred in his life, starting from age 1 through to 5. My initial reaction was to freeze, and dive into refusal to participate. A 100 images and memories played through my head in microseconds, none of them appropriate to put down on my 6 year olds time line. My internal dialogue was screaming I don't want to fill out this fucking worksheet!... Fuck you R for being such a c..... %#&$*!!!!
I had to physically look through photos to coax memories other then trolls and ogres. My breathing stuck in my throat, as I searched for fairy and unicorn moments. I found them, eventually, as the kaleidoscope of shattered images filtered through my mind rapidly.
I'm irritable now. Annoyed that I feel like this. Annoyed that there were ogres and trolls at all. Why can't it all be fairies and unicorns?
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I know exactly what you mean hear, only so far I have failed to express it as eloquently as this. Some times it is hard to see the beauty in a past where pain and anger exist. Sending some fairy wishes and butterfly kisses in your direction xx
ReplyDeleteThank you lovely. Right in the moment when he handed the worksheet to me, it was very hard to see much but ugliness. But I know it not to been all ugly. I just wish there hadn't been any. Xxx
DeleteIt's important to find those unicorns...I am glad you were able to
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