Life on the hill: moving

Showing posts with label moving. Show all posts

Sunday, August 27, 2017

I just slayed a demon (or letters to the narcissist. Same. Same.)

Thank you for the conversation. It was one that needed to be had.

You didn't ask about my daughter. She's coming back to Brisbane. 😊 This makes me very happy.

Besides yoga gym work, repeat, and doing everything possible to take care of this vessel my soul walks around in. It's all about the zen.
Like I said, I am not the same person I was 12 months ago. I look at photos of her and think I'm not her anymore.

I am truly sorry that you are in a dark place. I hope you can find your way out. And be that person I know you are able to be.
The one that takes care of his body, and soul.
The one that owns his behaviour,
The one that doesn't lie and tell half truths.
The one that does the work on becoming the best version of themselves.
The one that gets the help he needs.

I was surprised to hear you say that you had seen the boys. And when I did, I truly hoped that some miracle had happened, that you were getting help, taking care of yourself and dealing with your demons. Clean and sober. I prayed to the universe that you were telling me the truth.

I was really disappointed to find out you lied. Again. And my heart broke a little. All over again.

There has not been one day in the last 12 months that I have not thought of you. And felt sad. And heart broken. And so confused.

You know what you need to do. But don't do it. And only you can make the changes. Do the work. Set your soul free.
The truth really will set you free. But first it will piss you off.
Deal with those emotions. Ask why the truth is pissing you off. And get the help you need.

you are with someone, yet feel alone...She's not able to give you what you need to heal. Only you can do that.

I really do wish you peace. Dancing with demons is exhausting. Casting those demons off is soul freeing.

I've walked through fire. And I am a motherfucking Phoenix rising.

V

Soul sisters and silver linings

In case you haven't noticed, things have been pretty full on for this single mumma of late.

For the last 3 months, I have been a fire fighter. Since March, when I was notified of the parole hearing, the universe has continued to light fires directly in front of me to attempt to extinguish.

My relationship with the man I gave my heart to (reading that post makes me cry) broke down. In reality, it started breaking down the moment we began residing together. Truth be told, I'm not surprised. Hurt. Sad. Surprised - no. The reality is that I really moved to Brisbane in order to give my daughter a home again, and the opportunity for her finish school. I knowingly took the risk that my relationship with M had every chance of not succeeding. But life is all about taking risks. I had hoped that the outcome would be different.

I truly couldn't have gotten through the last few months without the championing and support of my soul sisters. Without their belief in me to come through the other side, I would have probably fulfilled the underlying burning desire to jump into my car and drive far far away - leaving all it, my children included, behind.

Every single day I reminded myself of the silver linings that happened because I moved in with M. I had a job that I loved, I started connecting with other bloggers in real life. Opportunities to use my voice presented themselves on more then one occasion. Both Nathan and Aston were at better schools, that were going to give them both opportunities that they wouldn't have received if we had stayed on the Sunshine Coast. And lastly, but so not least, I have been able to connect to services that are essential for my daughter, and for our family.

Recently, I have been accused that it's not enough to have positive affirmations, profound quotes and sayings, if you're not practising them. I believe that I do. I falter and fall over. But pick myself up and keep going. Faltering, floundering and falling over, are not signs of not practising what I believe in my heart. For me they are signs that I need to stop, breathe, look and listen.

For the last few months I have worn around my neck a necklace made and given to me by the beautiful Naomi from Seven Cherubs, a fellow warrior woman and soul sister.

never never give up!

It's been this mantra that has gotten me through. Because I. Don't. Give. Up.

While the universe has always put fires in my life, and there have been times I have wanted to lie down and surrender to the darkness that I have been fighting, or to run away from my life, it has also put beside me beautiful people to help me through the battle.

Silver linings. They are always there. Just sometimes we have to blow away the smoke, wipe away the burnt and look again.

Messages for me done by another beautiful soul sister

Fragmented

I can feel myself fragmenting

Piece by shattered piece.

To be put back together

Like a puzzle, battered and chipped in places,

The picture still beautiful when complete.

Posted with Blogsy

Too little... Too late...

I looked down at my phone. There was a text from him.

"I miss you so much!!! I'm sorry for everything vicky. LYC "

I pressed the lock button on the phone and threw it in my bag, momentarily thankful, after it hit my bag on the floor, that I'd spent that $90 on a case. It allowed for me take my second of frustration out on an inanimate object.

Too little ... Too late.

That was the thought in my head.
Not sadness. Not anger. Irritation ...
Hurt...

I gave you my heart. And you didn't honour, respect or care for it like you promised you would. I know, that just like me, you are only human and make mistakes. But a fundamental difference between my humanity, and yours... I treat people with kindness, and care, and love. And that doesn't make me weak or stupid. It makes me compassionate. Forgiving. Loving. Caring.

My view of the world won't be dimmed by someone else's negativity. If they are on a mission of self destruction, and choose to slap the hand of kindness and love away, that is their choice. Mine is to remove myself away from the slap, forgive but not forget.

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Stupid-motherf..king-oven

The thing about moving house is there are a whole lot of new things that you have to get used to. Such as the oven.

I love baking. Firstly because its a cheap and cheerful way to feed my tribe, and secondly, it's something I do when I'm agitated. You can measure just how agitated by the amount of baked goods I produce. At times there is more then can be consumed in a week, and it will end up in the freezer.

Since moving to this new house, I have baked the 120 cookies for $5 five times. Today was the first time I have successfully not burnt a batch! And as I bake to relieve agitation, the burning of said cookies was not agitation relieving at all. Instead, it caused a whole lot of stupid-motherfucking-oven curses.

So let the record show, that today, I mastered the oven and did not burn the cookies.

And just in case you want the recipe -

Ingredients

500 grams of butter or margarine

1 can of condensed milk

5 cups of plain flour

1 cup of white sugar

Method

Cream butter/margarine and sugar until pale yellow

Add sifted flour and condensed milk

Add choc chips, 100s and 1000s, cornflakes, sultanas, rice bubbles, crushed nuts. I usually half the mix and make up two batches of two different types. You can also make jam drops with the plain mixture.

Place a teaspoons of mixture rolled into a ball and then flattened on baking paper lined tray, and bake in 180 degree Celsius oven until golden brown.

I freeze half of this mixture.

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Where to now Charlie Brown?

What am I doing?

What are my plans?

Where am I'm heading?

That's all that has been going through my head for the last month.

Moving home from a place, that while I no longer wanted to live there anymore, it was a place I knew, to suburbia, and all that it entails, has caused me to feel somewhat displaced.

When you have been in an area for 8 years, which is the longest I have ever lived anywhere in my life, this feeling is somewhat disconcerting. I moved around a lot both as a child, and an adult, until I moved to the Noosa Hinterland. Although I moved to three different houses in that time, I was in the same area, same people, same familiarity, same routine for those 8 years.

Now, I am at sea - with everything. Everything is unfamiliar. And if I'm really honest, at times, terrifying. My children have adjusted far quicker, and better then I. There is Truth in that statement about the resilience of children. Me, on the other hand, I have those three questions set on constant replay in my brain at the moment. Instead of pushing me into action, I find them paralysing me with fear.

I read something today over at Work Life Bliss, about the one brick strategy. What the author behind that story experienced was huge compared to the little life change I have had. But the overwhelming feeling, and the consequent strategy can still apply. One brick, that's all I need to take out of the wall that I feel I am standing in the shadow of. Let in a beam of light, and maybe, just maybe I can see where to now....

You're not in Kansas anymore...

So I've done two loads of washing, made lunches, made three lots of lunches, made sure three kids had breakfast, made their beds and gotten them to the three different schools they attend. Packed the dishwasher, cleaned the kitty litter, made myself a cup of coffee to sit and contemplate what to tell you...

Dorothy, you're not in Kansas anymore!

I haven't lived in real suburbia in 15 years, since I left the Sutherland Shire (yes, the one made infamous by THAT show) to live on the Sunshine Coast. Back then suburbia on the Sunshine Coast was nothing like Sydney. But there are definitely areas now that resemble it. I just kept moving further north until I was on a hill surrounded by fields, cows, kangaroos, and various other forms of wildlife, including the slithering kind!

Now, I am bang smack in the middle of full core suburbia. Massive estate that is just continuing to grow, wonderful pathways, and parks, and lakes dotted around the place.

And people. Lots and lots and lots of people.

It's all new and strange, and more then a tad overwhelming. This is the first time since I moved that I have had the house to myself for more then an hour. Until 3pm, the house is all mine. So what to do?

image credit

oh joy, my cat just brought in a bird. A bird! FFS she has a bell, how the hell did she do that!!

What was it Glinda the good witch said to Dorothy? "You've always had the power to go back to Kansas" ..... now, just have to find my ruby slippers, click my heels three times, and I will be home.

(and all the unpacking will be done, and everything will be where it should be, and I'll have a job, and...)

Sharing the load

I have just spent the last half hour typing up and printing off, and will laminate job charts for my three children. After living in our new home for two weeks, I have been feeling very s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d!

My anxiety has been rife, and living on a adrenline overload exhausts you beyond description. This afternoon, I may, or may not, had a small tantrum about feeling like I was the only one doing anything in this house.

My daughter has just returned to living with me after being away for a year at her father's. Different house, different rules - you know the drill. And we are all adjusting to becoming a family again, with an added person M. Needless to say, there has been lots of change going on, and adjustment for every one.

So in the interests of self care, and self preservation I have prepared the lists for all three of the kids. These jobs were all things that we discussed together before the move even happened, so it was a family decision.

Who does the all the work in your house? Is it shared willingly, or do you spend you time nagging the kids to do this, do that etc? Got any great ideas to share? Please do!!

The M word

no I'm not getting Married.

I'm moving.

Well to be precise I'm moving in with M.

We made this decision three months ago. When his lease is up in mid September we are moving in together. Its taken me three months to not feel both terrified and excited. Now I just feel excited... and a tad frustrated, because I'm not the most patient person in the world, and would just like it to be done!

Why was I terrified?

Well my track record to date in regards to relationships where two people co-exist under the same roof is pretty dismal. A constant internal dialogue chattered in my brain - Are you insane?... No, I don't think this is a good idea, I'll just continue to live here on the hill not going forward, its safer... What will everyone think?... Are you fucking insane?? .... Once, twice, three times???.... I've changed my mind, I'm not going to do it... This is a really bad idea... Why mess with something that is perfect the way it is?... on and on it went 'til it wasn't a question of are you fucking insane, I actually started to feel insane. Cue my old friend anxiety and her sister panic attacks.

Good thing I have such a great counsellor, who is happy to listen and help me unravel the madness that is my mind.

So my view will be changing from one filled with mountains, rolling fields, kangaroos, and cows to roof tops and tv aerials - but the man who makes my heart sing will be in the picture. And I can live with that.