Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Branded.



There are some dates that are branded into my brain. Seared into the soft tissue, a deep, dark ugly scar.
21 March is one. 18 October 2013 is another.



The first is the man that is my fathers birthday. The second - the day he is eligible for parole. It marks 9 years that he has been in prison. 9 years from when 12 complete strangers believed me and sentenced him to 12 years imprisonment for the abuse he committed against me.



How did that nine years go so fast? Why is the monster still even alive?



Today I finally contacted the victims registrar to change my address details. Something I've been meaning to do for the last six months. Something my mother has reminded me to do numerous times. Something that I kept putting off.


I called the registrar, as grown up Vicky. The woman I spoke to explained the process, but after her telling me the date of his parole hearing, 16 August, 2013, my body went into flight response. When I hung up, little Vicky had arrived. She was biting her nails, holding her breathe, trembling.



I walked out to the lounge room, M looked at me and before I could say anything, asked me what was wrong. Through my tears, I asked him for a cuddle. He came and held me and asked again. I explained what I had just done. He kissed the top of my head, "Let's go an lay down and have a cuddle," he responded.



I curled my body into his embrace and cried. "How has it been 9 years? How is he still alive? He was supposed to die ... I want him to die..."



As I lay there in the safety of his arms, I wrapped my own around that small child within. She is not alone. I am not alone.



Naomi over at Seven Cherubs talks about being a victim, a Survivor, a thriver. Most of the time, I'm thriving. Sometimes, like today, I feel like I am only just surviving. There is a lump in my throat. One that hasn't been there for a very long time.



Fasten your seatbelts ladies and gents. We may hit some turbulence.


 

9 comments:

  1. I am sorry for whatever you suffered . I hope you have lots of support Vicky. Always .

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    1. Thank you Trish. You're one special lady. X

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    1. Thank you Kate. I know you understand. Only too well.xx

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  3. Cuddles babe. You know that I am here for you whenever you need me. Remember that HE cannot hurt you anymore. He can't hurt your children. And Karma will get him. You know that as well as I do my love. 9 years is clearly not enough what the horrendous things he has done. But we'll get through this babe. And I am there holding your hand all the way. Take a deep breath and remind yourself how much better than him you are. You're amazing! You're a great mummy, partner, friend. And what is he? A piece of shit under your shoe. We can do this babe.

    Some good affirmations to say to yourself :

    I can muster up a little more hope and courage from deep inside me.

    I let go of my fears, worries that drain my energy for no good return.

    I have the smarts and the ability to get through this

    The past has no power and no hold over me anymore

    and lastly Vicky, I love you.

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  4. Stay strong. We're all here to support you.

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  5. Wow. Didn't see this when it was posted in March. I knew this date was coming up, but now it's feeling very real. Do what you need to do to protect yourself, emotionally, physically, however you feel you need protection. Can you get a PFA that denies any contact? Is that even a concern? Here for you if you need me. xo

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