sometimes all the positive thinking in the world...

... just doesnt cut it.

I'm irritable, annoyed, pissed off, down right fucking angry. that I'm alone, with three children. that i have to constantly pick myself up and dust myself off. that I have to be ok all the time. that I cant just run away. that the choices I have made have alienated people. that I have made such stupid mistakes. that I wasted so much of my life investing energy into people that have used me up and spat me out.

I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS!!! I hate feeling like I'm slipping down the depression slide...into the abyss. Its such a useless space. dark, miserable, alone. I know what I need to do. and I'm doing it... one bite at a time. But what I want to do, is jump up and down, and scream, and yell, and swear, and punch and hurt people. The anger inside me is immense... like a black buddly hot mess of sticky tar... that has just about reached boiling point. How do I stop it from blowing - out of control? from the volcanic mess that will erupt with it? How do I feel emotions without either losing contol, or becoming numb? How?