lots of bites off the elephant...

... and it still looks like a bloody big elephant. sigh

Its been a busy and long week. Monday, I sorted out mri and physio for my knee, finalised the insurance claim on R's car, spent some lovely quality time with a friend making a vision board (which is now on my fridge), got a text from R for Aston - which I just about threw up over, was fairly certain that it was a breach, but because the content was not abusive was unsure.

Tuesday, went had my tattoos touched up, had a minor freak out about something, spoke to a friend about the something, and passed it on.

Wednesday, starting bleeding from somewhere that I shouldnt be bleeding from, and had a major freakout.... all day. Started physio on my knee - which was all encourgaing - not. I lost count of the number of times that he said - that's not good. Did catch up with a friend briefly and looked in a couple of op shops for a pair of jeans. Wasn't very successful - my mind just wasn't on it. But did end up picking up a pair at Big W for $15 - a size 8 - which is also distressing... i just keep loosing weight. Lost count of the number of people who have commented on that!

Thursday - Nathan wakes up sick - again. And I'm still bleeding. Got an appointment for him - but not for me... Thankfully when I took him to the doctor, I managed to be also able to speak to her. Because of the iron deficiency, and my past history with poylps, she referred me to a specialist - who I cant get into see until the 16 April... sigh. The bleeding stopped about midday on the Thursday - but my anxiety about it still continues...

Nathan broke down on thursday - doesnt want to go to school, has been getting hassled by kids calling him emo etc. And is just so sad, and depressed. He got into bed that night, and said why does everything have to happen to us. I said to him, to try and put it into some perspective, to think about what was good with what was happening in our lives. Reminded him them we weren't in Haiti, or Chili, that we hadn't lost our house, or lives, and are all still together.... Dont think he was very convinced.

Friday - I rang Nat's school, and put a request into to speak to his teacher. He has never not wanted to go to school - he even said to me, I want you to start home schooling me - so I knew that he was feeling bad. I was able to organise the school counsellor to start having some sessions with him. Which I hope will be helpful... he needs to talk, to let it out, instead of festering inside like it is right now. I also had the intake interview at Robbies house - the supervised contact centre. That was overwhelming sad... as I sat and filled out the paperwork, I had tears running down my face... and all I could think of is "this is what my life has become". I had an mri appointment in the evening. Caught up with another friend briefly while I waited. The mri went for 20mins, my knee spasmed, and I tried desperately not to move. Not a particularly pleasent experience - especially as my anixety is running rife...

While I was in there, i received another text from R. yet again to be read to aston. I was so angry. and I had attempted to call the police about the previous text in the morning but there was no one on at the local police station, so I was going to call when I got home from my MRI appt. Now I was armed with two texts.... By the time I actually got to speak to someone about it, it was 10pm. and apparently R hadn't been served the DVO - so therefore there was no breach of the DVO. WTF??!??!??? I was furious. How could have that been the case - when I know that R stood around waiting for the paperwork, the day of the hearing - a WEEK before!?!?!? All I could think was what a waste of time the previous 7 weeks had been, when the bloody thing wasn't even in effect!!! What if it hadn't been texts to aston? What if they had been abusive texts to me, or laura and nat, or what if he had come to my house??? I will be ringing the magistrates court on Monday. Not good enough. In the end the police served him that night with the dvo, and explained that the texts would have been a breach and why. Of course, R said and did all the right things, and charmed the police man, who was there for an hour. When the police called back at 11.45pm, he was under the impression that R understood, had enrolled in a parenting course (Yeh right!!) and i was left feeling like the two english men (the cop was english) had spent a nice hour bonding.......

Saturday my cousin Annie came up for the night. Which was lovely. But cause I'm feeling rather empty at the moment - I am sure that she felt it. I'm having to dig deep at the moment... really deep... to find some reason, some peace, some order, some anything...

Another friend has been feeling incredibly overwhelmed by people around her - including myself. She loves fiercely and passionately, and wants to 'fix' it. And when she can't or people don't listen to what she is saying, she feels overwhelmed and stressed. I'm glad that she has recognised that she has to step back... but sad that I have contributed to that feeling...

to be quite honest, I would just like to crawl in a hole for a while... and disappear.