how come its so hard to accept kindness?

why is it that I have such a hard time accepting someone being kind to me? Why do I feel so undeserving? a product of conditioning? of  living in chaos, and in hypervigilence mode?

Yet I  think nothing of extending kindness to others... but to be on the recieving end of kindness overwhelms me. My first response is um,... Why? Why would you want to do that for ME? Not that I verbalise it. Its just the first thing that comes into my head.

Mr D has asked me to go to Melbourne with him for the weekend mid-July. And I'm completely gob smacked. My first response in my head was Why? Why would you want to take me away?

I am going to go. but are feeling overwhelmed.. and trying to figure out why. There are tears just there. Maybe I should just stop trying to figure out why, and just be in the present. and accept it for what it is. an act of human kindness. and write on my mirror YOU ARE DESERVING.