equilibrium restoration

By Wednesday of this week I was in desperate need of restoring my equilibrium. I was already feeling somewhat empty before death visited our house. Now my soul hurt.

 

I had already arranged earlier in the month to visit a girlfriend on the coast, with the intention of going to the beach with Aston and her girls. As is the way with life, plans changed, and Nathan desperately wanted to see his friend, the brother of the young man who died on Sunday. 

 

I stuck the taxi cab sign on top of my car dropped my mum off at my sisters, Nathan off at his friends, and finally arrived at my girlfriends. Hot, bothered and somewhat sore. Driving any longer then 20 mins is still sending my back into spasms. We weren't going anywhere.

 

When my girlfriend returned to work after having both her babies I was privileged to be able to look after her little girls for the year they were one. They are part of my "framily". Miss Rubilicious, the youngest at 3, greeted me at the door with a huge cuddle. It was just what I needed.

 

 

We didn't do anything overly exciting. A and I sat and drank tea, and discussed the best apps for various things. Aston and her girls played and played and played, giggling, laughing, dressing up and discussing the various things that were going to happen in their "game". (Have you ever sat and listened to two six year olds discussing a game? The intricacies involved of who is doing what and when are highly entertaining.)

 

Doing something simple was sweet manna for my soul. Just being ... listening and watching helped restore my equilibrium, bring my physical being into balance.


 

 

Do you ever feel out of balance? What restores your equilibrium?

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one down, 11 more to go.

Where did January go? I wrote the date today, and was slightly horrified that it was a new month. How did that happen?
Seems even if you practice living in the moment you are in, the days still spin by like a raging torrent. I would like it to slow down please. Just a little bit.

Jodie over at Muddled Up Mumma wrapped up her month of January, and it inspired me, for my own benefit, to do the same. Instead of feeling overwhelmed that a whole month has disappeared, I want to focus on the good stuff that happened during that month.

I started the New Year here at my abode on the hill, with my hunny. We had a lovely New Year's eve, just the two of us. It was a welcome respite from the business of Christmas and being around lots of people all the time.

In my family January begins with a birthday, and ends with a birthday. The 3rd January is my daughter's birthday. She turned 16. I have a 16 year old daughter. Even typing that seems surreal. From holding her tiny little body in my arms, and breathing in that beautiful new born scent to standing beside me looking me in the eye ... in what seems like a blink. We celebrated by going to dinner at Southbank, and seeing Mary Poppins - practically perfect in every way.

Laura and I 16 years ago

Laura and I now :'(

We celebrated again that weekend, going out to dinner with three of her friends, and one of my soul sisters, someone who has known her since she was two. It was an interesting night... to say the least.
Four gorgeous young women, just beginning to find their way in life...

with two, older, and supposedly some what wiser, women....

Aston and I also went to see ....

Disney Concert

 He was pretty impressed...

I love watching him watching something new

Nathan made a firm new friendship with M's nephew, a relationship I knew would be great, as they are so similar in nature. They spent a lot of time together, doing things that they both love. It was lovely to watch another connection between M and I develop and grow.

Aston starting having sleep overs at his father's house. This was a rather scary concept for me, but one that I knew had to happen. So far so good. It has been pretty positive for everyone.... which seems rather odd, given the circumstances behind Aston's father and I not being together anymore. Life is full of mysteries...

Laura came and stayed for 5 days, and we had a wonderful visit. Nat was at a friend's place for the time she was with me. It meant that the dynamic was different, a little less competition all round. Aston got to spend some quality time with his sister, and her and I got to hang out together. Slowly our relationship is rebuilding. We even spoke about the events that happened that led to her going to live with her father

 Before I knew the school holidays were about to be over, and I still needed to get bits and pieces for the boys for school. I think I was in denial, as Aston was starting school. The 23rd came around far quicker then I had anticipated... and now my baby, was off to school...

The rain began to fall, causing a touch of anxiety for me, all too reminiscent of January 12 months ago.

going down to check the creek

Australia day was raining and gloomy, so M and I took Aston to see the Muppets (a bonus of having kids it that you have a perfect excuse to go and see kids movies!) I loved it, as did Aston. He is still talking about it a week later.

As I mentioned before, January starts with a birthday and ends with one. Mine. I turned 42 on 30 January. 42. I remember when I was 18, 20, 25, even 30 ffs - 42 seemed ancient. Old. And here I am. Ancient. Old. Yet I don't feel ancient or old. (well sometimes I do, but that is more my body, not my head!) I don't "feel" 42, or not how I imagined a 42 year old should feel like. I still don't feel like a "grown up" and well, you think I would by now wouldn't you?

I spent my birthday with my best friend, and the one person who is not biologically related to me, who has known me, now, for more then half my life... the good, the bad, the ugly. We went to the Matisse Exhibition at GOMA. It was ... breathtaking... and inspiring. And just what I needed to feed my soul.

I'm feeling decidedly better after that January re-wind. No wonder it went by in a blur, I've been busy. Thanks Jodi for planting the seed of inspiration.

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what went right in 2011

Its a brand new year. Full of infinite possibilities and opportunities.  I fell across this, 52 weeks to simplify your life  and decided that I wanted to participate. Considering that a lot of the time my blog is my dumping ground for the bad stuff going on around me or in my head, the opportunity to use it as a positive space couldn't be ignored.

While so many of my friends where experiencing not so great things happening for them in 2011, I was having a relatively great 2011. Yes there were moments or days where everything felt overwhelmingly bad, but for the most part it was a great year. I had a list of things that I wanted to do before I turned 42. While I haven't completed all of those things, I have done a lot of them, at least two thirds of them. I don't feel like I have failed because I didn't complete the list. In fact, quite the opposite. It's a record of all that I have achieved.

There are so many things that energised me - clearing out toxic things, people, places hugely energised me, simply because I was no longer wasting time and energy on things, people and places that sucked life from me. I learnt to recognise and ACT on that recognition of when that is happening, and not feel guilty about it. My time and energy is precious. And I can't fix everyone - especially people that don't want to fix themselves.

I met a man that is my best friend, and it is the biggest thing to make me feel happy in 2011. I can look at him, smile and feel joy in my heart. The time we spend together is precious, and whether we are cooking up a storm, playing with the kids, watching a movie, looking at the stars, or just laying holding each other I feel peaceful, and hopeful, and calm. But most of all, happy.

I am finding that it is easier and quicker to return to that place where I feel peacefulness now. When anxiety claws at my body and mind, it is becoming easier to let it pass over me. Ironically, it is from not fighting it, but instead I almost surrender to it. Like when you are caught in a rip in the ocean. Instead of swimming against it, I lay back, float, breathe and end up out of it quicker, and less exhausted, then if I furiously fight it.

Going on holiday to Daydream Island was amazing. Not only being there, and doing all the wonderful things that we did, but GETTING THERE! I did it!! I saved, and scrimped, and juggled. But I did it! It was the first real holiday I have had in a long time. Achieving that was monumental in itself. I felt very proud of myself.

There are so many things I am grateful for.... Having the ability to live on a shoestring... the gift of my three children, that I constantly learn things from every day... my beautiful friends that are my family... a man who loves me and my children... and then there are the "little things" - the things that are so easily taken for granted - clean water, food, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, easily attained medical assistance, the view from my bedroom....

Learning how to practice mindfulness has probably been my most positive lesson in 2011. The only moment I have any control over is the one I am currently in. Learning to let go of looking anxiously forward, and regretfully backward is a big lesson to learn. I'm glad that I have finally got it!

Thank you 2011 for all that your brought me. Here's to 2012 and all that will come....

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The benefits of eating an elephant

One of the benefits of eating this elephant is not only am I chucking out a whole lot of accumulated "stuff", I have been finding things that I had forgotten I had. And me being Frugal Vicky they are things that can be re-cycled, re-used, re-gifted...

I found five beautifully simple glass cylinder vases that I had brought to put candles in for Aston's naming ceremony 4 and half years ago...(how does one forget that you have five vases - obviously have had lots of flowers NOT). Gift boxes that were in perfect condition, brand new children's books, picture frames, and other bits and pieces that I looked at and thought "Oh, so and so would love that for Christmas, or I could use that to put so and so's birthday present in."

One of my hobbies is making soy wax candles, so I'm always on the look out when visiting op shops for suitable containers. I had recently seen in a shop candles made in tea cups that looked gorgeous. On a recent op shop rampage, I found a whole lot of suitable teacups to make presents with.

It was one of my soul sister's birthday last Thursday. One of the vases came in handy to fill with a beautiful arrangement of flowers, and a gift box I covered in pretty wrapping paper (the teddy bears on it where just not doing it for me), and put two of the teacup candles I had made for her in the box.

Candles in a tea cup

Spring flowers

I do love it when I am able to create something beautiful out something else.

Do you re-cycle, re-create, re-gift?

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digging deep

I'm finding it hard to write at the moment.

My heart is sore, and all I want to say is Life is fucked and continue on in my little pity party that I'm having.

My head said to me this morning "suck it up princess - you have more to be grateful for then a lot of people"... which made me think about gratitude, perspective and not giving in to the black dog.

so out of the heart ache that I have been feeling for the last couple of weeks what do I have to be grateful for....

- my mum. the irony of this is not lost on me...The universe works in such bizarre ways at times. my own relationship with my mother has been rocky to say the least - but I'm incredibly grateful that she has been here the last two weeks, to anchor me, and stop me from hurtling out into space... she kept the house going while I cried... tears for my own 15yo girl inside, and for my 15 yo daughter. I feel more connected to my mother now then I have in a very long time.

Me, Mum and Laura

- M... as is the case most of the time, men want to fix things. He knew he couldn't fix this, instead he gave me what I needed - comfort, a safe place to cry, love. For the first time in any relationship that I have had with a man I feel like someone has MY back.

Looking at the stars on the trampoline.

- my friends, for listening, for being empathetic, for being honest

- Aston, whose excitement at going away on holidays to Daydream Island is infectious. If I can view the world through his four year old eyes life looks pretty wonderful.

Daydream Island in Playdoh :)

Once again thank you Maxabella Loves for motivating me to look for gratitude - because it seems I didn't have to look very far after all. :)

Mira Narnie (I wanted to write Narnia!!) is hosting this weeks Grateful link up...

What are you grateful for?

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feel your boobies...

This month has been fraught with appointments, waiting rooms, mammograms, ultrasounds, core biopsies, more mammograms, hook wire insertions, an open biopsy and more waiting rooms...

... and all I have had to do is sit and hold her hand amongst this.

My soul sister has breast cancer.

Fuck.
                                                                                                                      


I'm angry. At me. I'm an educated, reasonably intelligent woman who likes to think she knows about her body. So ... When I discover that I actually don't know all I thought I did... I feel a tad pissed off at myself.

Did YOU know that there are different TYPES of breast cancer?

I didn't. But I do now. While I sat in the waiting room at Breast Screen (for those of your living in other states google breast screen - it will display your states services. If you are 40 and over you are able to have mammograms for free every two years.) armed with the information my soul sister had been told by the doctor, and what was shown on her mammogram that had sparked the onslaught for more investigation, I goggled on my smart phone. Me being the person that I am, I need to KNOW stuff.

I found an incredibly informative site at Cancer Australia . This is where I discovered that there were different types of breast cancer.... It isn't enough that there is breast cancer?? There has to be different types of the god damn friggin thing!!! Even one that has no symptoms... What the fuck is up with that???            

The type my soul sister has been diagnosed with is ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS for short). The one that has no symptoms.

                                                                                                                   

I met my soul sister nearly 13 years ago. My daughter was her daughter's "I'll show you were everything is" friend at the day care they both attended. She had a 6 week old baby boy - just like me (minus 10 days). Our daughters were weeks apart in age, our sons, days. And we connected instantly. She was in the midst of her marriage breaking up, and rebuilding her life. And rebuild she did. With dignity, and integrity, and grace. She inspired me with her strength and dogmatic determination. She is an amazing mother, and her children are two walking, talking tributes to her mothering. When I met her I had no idea just how important she would become to me.

When the door of my own pandora's box ferociously flew open she was there for me. She brought my daughter to the hospital to visit me, she gently picked me up from the corner of the toilet floor at the police station where I had fled to as the clutches of panic set in, she sat and heard all the ugliness of my story as I vomited it out, she looked after my children as I went off to fight the demon and put him in jail. She has been beside me, championing me, encouraging me, listening to me.... never ever judging me.

Now its my turn to champion, encourage, listen to....


                                                     _____________________________


If you don't know how to do a self examination here is guide from breastcancer.org :
(If you are unsure ask your GP for a How to demonstration. Remember -  knowledge is power!)

Step 1: Begin by looking at your breasts in the mirror with your shoulders straight and your arms on your hips.

Here's what you should look for:
• Breasts that are their usual size, shape, and color


• Breasts that are evenly shaped without visible distortion or swelling

If you see any of the following changes, bring them to your doctor's attention:

• Dimpling, puckering, or bulging of the skin

• A nipple that has changed position or an inverted nipple (pushed inward instead of sticking out)

• Redness, soreness, rash, or swelling

Breast Self-Exam - Step 1

Step 2: Now, raise your arms and look for the same changes.

Breast Self-Exam - Steps 2 and 3

Step 3: While you're at the mirror, look for any signs of fluid coming out of one or both nipples (this could be a watery, milky, or yellow fluid or blood).

Step 4: Next, feel your breasts while lying down, using your right hand to feel your left breast and then your left hand to feel your right breast. Use a firm, smooth touch with the first few finger pads of your hand, keeping the fingers flat and together. Use a circular motion, about the size of a quarter.

Cover the entire breast from top to bottom, side to side — from your collarbone to the top of your abdomen, and from your armpit to your cleavage.

Follow a pattern to be sure that you cover the whole breast. You can begin at the nipple, moving in larger and larger circles until you reach the outer edge of the breast. You can also move your fingers up and down vertically, in rows, as if you were mowing a lawn. This up-and-down approach seems to work best for most women. Be sure to feel all the tissue from the front to the back of your breasts: for the skin and tissue just beneath, use light pressure; use medium pressure for tissue in the middle of your breasts; use firm pressure for the deep tissue in the back. When you've reached the deep tissue, you should be able to feel down to your ribcage.

Breast Self-Exam - Step 4

Step 5: Finally, feel your breasts while you are standing or sitting. Many women find that the easiest way to feel their breasts is when their skin is wet and slippery, so they like to do this step in the shower. Cover your entire breast, using the same hand movements described in Step 4.

Breast Self-Exam - Step 5

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