Maxabella loves grateful posts always arrive at the most appropriate time for me... even at 3.20am when I can't sleep because my mind is buzzing.
To quieten the buzzing I thought I start thinking about the things that I have to be grateful for this week. A change in perspective - looking outwards instead of in.
After coming back from holidays, I walked into this house, and the overwhelming sense of wanting to flee washed over me. I need to leave. Its time. I have given my self until the end of the Christmas school holidays to sort, clear, pack, clean, chuck ... whatever needs to be done, to be ready to move. Why so long? Well this is the longest I have lived in any house. In my life. 5 years in March. And in those nearly 5 years I seemed to have accumulated an awful amount of "stuff". So let the clearing begin- both physically, and metaphysically.
The reason it has taken me so long to attempt the task is every time I have started in the past two years I have become overwhelmed with anger and tears and frustration... of a 1000 feelings all reeling through my body at once. So I stop... and it doesn't get done.
My mum is back with me, until the end of October. For this I am incredibly grateful. Having another adult in the house, someone to buffer, encourage and support me - because that's what I need right now.
We started in the study - which I had renamed my in box - because that is what it had become. One big inbox, where everything that I needed to deal with in the way of paperwork was dumped. 6 hours, 10 bags of paperwork later, and a trip to the op shop the study is cleared.
Mum sat and kept me company - because only I really knew what needed to stay and what needed to go. She was there when I fell across a pile of things regarding R, that opened a door of absolutely rage inside of me. Things that my children had done for him. Things that he didn't value or appreciate for the precious gifts that they were. And I screamed and howled and cursed and ripped and chucked.
What am I grateful for this week.... having the courage to start what needs to be done, that my mum is here with me to help, and that I didn't fall apart in the process.
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
or colour it in one section at a time... :)