omg what was I thinking...

...maybe i wasn't... thinking that is....

I'm going on a date tomorrow afternoon/evening... walk along the beach and dinner... With Mr D. I actually feel sick ... and a little bit excited. Its been so long since I have gone out to dinner, let alone dinner with someone of the male persuasion that can hold a conversation!!

the last week has been horrendous. On Tuesday, as it was the end of the seven days for the pain patch I took it off, as I really don't feel I need constant pain relief anymore. I was fine until that evening, when I started feeling nauseous, and cold, and crampy in my tummy... had a horrible night - with very little sleep. The next morning, I googled the name of the pain patch, and discovered that I was in the midst of opiate withdrawal syndrome... I was feeling a lot worse as well. shaking, cold, sweats, cramps, feeling sick, not able to sleep even though I was so tired. Spoke to a couple of friends that are nurses for some advice and how long it was going to last, who both said panadol, and a couple of days. Wednesday night, did not sleep... thursday, felt like I had been hit by a bus, but the shakes, and cold, sweats etc were starting to subside. got through thursday, but Laura had a concert that she was performing in at school, so had to drop her off, and pick her up at 10. All i wanted to do was go to bed... when I finally did go to bed, I couldn't sleep... think it was midnight when I finally fell asleep. Friday, woke up feeling a lot better, but still tired.

Had to keep going though right... because Aston had a supervised visit with his father between 2-4... We spent the morning playing, pretend in my bed, hiding from dinosaurs, bats, tigers, crocodiles... and whatever else his wild imagination came up with. He would say "quick mummy hide under the covers there is.... coming" and we would dash under the covers, and whisper to each other, then he would say, they have gone... a couple of times he got out to fight what ever mythical creature had arrived. Played monster trucks, read stories. had a lovely morning, then had mcdonalds for lunch, and dropped him off at the contact centre for his visit.

Of course Richard was late. He is supposed to get there 15 mins before we do, and he arrived 5 mins after 2. When I got into the car to drive away, I started to cry. I felt like I'd had my heart removed with a spoon...

so instead of doing the grocery shopping as I had intended, I went and did a little retail therapy. Both Laura and my S-i-l had said to me to buy something new for my "date" on monday...so I did. I sent my sil a text saying that I think it would be better if she came with for the next few visits just so that I don't feel so crap when I leave, and she text me back agreeing. Sometimes sil has a habit of sending the same text twice, so when my phone went off again, as I'm glibly looking around a shop at clothes thinking I don't want to be here, I thought it was her. But it was Mr D, which was a lovely and unexpected surprise... and sent my mood from glib, to a little bit excited - enough for me to find something to wear that I liked anyway!!!

which brings me to here, right now, thinking what the hell was I thinking!!!!

I'm going to have to go to the doctor in the morning and get a script for some valium - otherwise my anxiety will get worse, and I won't go... and I really want to go...

right Vicky STOP THINKING. trust, forgive, let go.....