letting the tears fall...

sometimes... no make that most of the time... its terrifying to be the mother of a 14 yo daughter... especially when your own point of reference is so utterly skewed from the "norm" and you have had to actively go and seek what the actually "norm" is...

so often I'm triggered by Laura... just by what is going on in her life. I will end up back at the same age, remembering, and often feeling what I was feeling when I was her age... and with it comes profound sadness, and grief.

I'm so incredibly proud of her - I look at her sometimes in absolute amazement, that the beautiful young woman she is becoming has come from me, inspite of my damaged core... Her confidence, self awareness, self esteem are so far removed from what I felt at the same age... when I was so busy trying to be invisible.

Last night we had a very intense conversation about relationships and sex. She has a boyfriend, and I can see that she is experiencing feelings,emotions, and sensations that she has never experienced before. I feel incredibly blessed that we have a relationship where we can have such conversations, but the inverse of that is that I want to run away and cover my ears, and make her stop growing up. Why is that when I look at her, not only do I see the young woman she is becoming, but I see that precious baby girl who was placed in my arms, and opened up the door of unconditional love, and all that means and entails...

last night she was performing in a concert for school, dancing on stage, in front of an audience of strangers, (and again tonight - i'm going to see it).. something that I couldn't have done at her age... let alone the myraid of other things that she does...

When I picked her up and we were driving home, she was intensely texting her boyfriend back and forward... we continued our conversation from before a little... and as I drove tears started to fall, as I went back into that time when I was her age... After a while Laura asked me "are you crying??" I didn't respond -my immediate reaction was to suck it up, and stop.. and then I stopped myself... She asked again. I replied, yes. "why are you crying?" she asked... I replied, I don't know... then I said, I think your aamzing. I couldn't have done any of the things that you do when I was your age... I'm ok, you don't have to fix this, I just need to cry.

the rest of the trip home was very quiet, other then me sniffing. i just let the tears fall.

I'm glad that I did... it allowed me to grieve for what I lost ...

still feeling a little heart sore, and can feel the tears there right now... and if they should fall, then so be it... let them fall... because in letting them fall, allows me to let go...