Who'd have thought....

that reading back on my own blog could be inspirational? Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old. Ralph Waldo Emerson came across that quote as I was reading back. ... very timely, and it helped shift my perspective, and let me fall calmly from my heightened state of vigilance ... arhhh that's better. Think I'll have to...

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FUCK

oh I just LOVE being a single mum. LOVE it... because you know it means I get to have SOOOOOOOOOOO much time to myself. Can go and do whatever I want when ever I want to... its a fucking blast! I'm seriously fucking HATE that man. I changed my mobile phone number to stop the constant texting. Which of course has moved on to emails. I spammed his email. But just getting them still drives me fucking nuts. I'm going to call the police again, make an appointment, and make a complaint... again......

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how come its so hard to accept kindness?

why is it that I have such a hard time accepting someone being kind to me? Why do I feel so undeserving? a product of conditioning? of  living in chaos, and in hypervigilence mode? Yet I  think nothing of extending kindness to others... but to be on the recieving end of kindness overwhelms me. My first response is um,... Why? Why would you want to do that for ME? Not that I verbalise it. Its just the first thing that comes into my head. Mr D has asked me to go to Melbourne with him...

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pandora's box

you'd think that having had an amazing weekend that I would be feeling fantastic... I did... and then today just went on and on and on... with constant texting, and now phone calls from R.on friday I went back to the police, after going on Wednesday to lodge a complaint about breaching the dvo. Had to go back on friday, because that was the next time that particular constable was on. It took me over six hours to get the software onto my computer to be able to transfer the 100 odd texts onto my computer...

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grrrr....

..... yep grrrrr. I feel amazing, wonderful, fantastic, brilliant...... but.... the last two nights I have had flashback dreams. I haven't had dreams like this for a while. and usually when I dream about "him" something is coming... I woke up in the night last night, crying. Its unsettling. Especially when all I want is someone to hold me, and help make that feeling go away. I need to ring the Victim's Registry today and update my details... and I will be able to find out as well if anything...

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