pandora's box

you'd think that having had an amazing weekend that I would be feeling fantastic... I did... and then today just went on and on and on... with constant texting, and now phone calls from R.

on friday I went back to the police, after going on Wednesday to lodge a complaint about breaching the dvo. Had to go back on friday, because that was the next time that particular constable was on. It took me over six hours to get the software onto my computer to be able to transfer the 100 odd texts onto my computer into a format that could be attached to my statement. was an extreme exercise in frustration.

and to make matters worse, R decided that he wasn't go to go to supervised visitation, and left Aston and i waiting at the centre for half an hour, then after the supervisor called, and he didnt answer, she told us to go. to see my Aston face, and have to explain to him that daddy couldnt come today, and conjole him with going to the shops, and him saying to me that He didnt want to do that, he wanted to see daddy, broke my heart. While I was putting aston in the car, the phone at the centre rang, and the supervisor came out and informed me that R wasn't coming, and wouldnt be attending supervised visitation anymore.

I hadn't even been out of the police station 5 mins when I get yet another text. Since Friday I have had over 30 texts from him, and phone calls. I called the police on Saturday, to be put through to dispatch, and informed that they don't actually do anything about breaches like mine, it just gets "flagged". so I requested that the constantable that I had been dealing with contact me. didnt hear from him. so I called again on sunday. didnt hear from him. He rang yesterday and left a message on the phone. I called again today, to get through to dispatch again, spoke to a different person, who said that texts message as evidence where very hard to verify.

I have told three different police officers that R's behaviour is escalating...

basically the dvo is a useless piece of paper, that means nothing unless he turns up here. which I can feel coming. So everything I did, going to court three times to get the stupid thing, is for nothing. I wanted to avoid a confrontation in front of my children. They have already seen enough crap... I feel completely disempowered. having to tell my daughter that in the event that he does turn up I want her to take nathan and aston into my wardrobe made me feel sick. to drive home from picking up aston from daycare, and seeing nathan sitting there waiting, with a look of terror in his eyes, and when asking him what was wrong, he said, that he was frightened that R was going to come here.

I'm so enraged at the moment. so very very angry. and amongst those feelings are the emotions of a frightened terrified little girl, who saw more voilence then any child should ever see. I lost it tonight. just closed down. crawled into bed, and started crying. Laura picked aston up, and took him to bed, and read him stories. I told nathan that I didn't care what he did, because he never listens to me anyway, so do what ever you want... and I disappeared. just laid in my bed and cried.

Aston has croup, and Laura brought him into lay with me, and he fell asleep right away after asking "mummy what's wrong?". while i was crying laura asked me if I wanted a cuddle and I said no, it would just make me cry more, and she laid down and cuddled me... and spoke words far beyond her years... and that makes me so heart sore. Its not her job to look after me. Its MY job...to look after me, and them.

About half an hour ago, aston woke with a bad croup attack, with stridor, so I made the decision to give him redipred, which is exactly what they would do at the hospital. He is laying on the lounge beside me, propped up on cushions, and is asleep for the moment.

I can feel myself folding in on myself, disassociating, my emotions all confused about what is happening now, and what happened so many years ago... its all intermeshed.

What sucks the most - I had an amazing 24 hours with Mr D. beautiful, special, amazing, wonderful. I almost feel like I'm being punished for having such a good time.