Life on the hill: April 2010

Monday, April 26, 2010

Friends are my family

Kirsty Lee, beautiful soul, came over with Ava yesterday, and stayed the night. I'm so incredibly thankful for it, just to have someone to be here at the moment, so that my anxiety doesn't spin out of control. I love spending time with her - she is one of those rare people that you can sit together in silence and it not be uncomfortable.

Toni and Phil will arrive later this afternoon. I'm trying to clean the house out, so that it doesn't look so bad. I did the bookshelves in the loungeroom today, and have a whole shelf now that has nothing on it. Think I will put some of MY things on display there. After being at Cheryl's house, and everytime I go there, I feel like I've just had a hug, I need to OWN this house. because I didn't it. So that means getting all those special things out, and using them, and displaying them, and changing the engergy in the house.

Nathan has stayed at Karen & Tony's for the the long weekend, it will be good for him to be with them, and just "be", instead of having to feel like he needs to be the man of the house. I have to help him to realise that he doesn't have to do that. That his job is to be the kid. Its my job to be the parent. sigh.

and on that note... I will leave it with a quote I just found

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself... Ralph Waldo Emerson

two sleeps..

.... to go until I get my knee fixed. As long as nothing happens to stuff it all up again. I'm nervous, and a little scared. I will be staying overnight now, which I'm glad about. I was incredibly anxious about coming home after day surgery, knowing that Aston will want to be all over me... and I'm more then likely not going to be feeling very patience.

Toni, Phil and Zack are coming to stay on Monday night, as I have to be at the hospital at 6.15 in the morning, which obviously means I'm first cab off the rank so to speak. They will stay Tuesday nights as well, and then Gill and the girls are coming to stay until Friday. I hope that by Friday I'm feeling better.

I so wish I hadn't looked up the procedure. Me and my silly enquiring mind...

But - once that its done, its one medical procedure over and done with, just have one left after that... and then my head will be in the space to move onto other things. No amount of effort in distracting myself is working. So I will just have to stop beating myself up and sit with it, and use the lesson as one being for patience.... Not one of my greater virtures unfortunately.

Laura and Nathan are both at sleepovers, so last night and today it has just been me and Aston. Which has been difficult, but I have managed. and he has been incredibly patient.

ok.. searching for something inspiring...

Learn to relax. Your body is precious, as it houses your mind and spirit. Inner peace begins with a relaxed body.
Norman Vincent Peale

Now that's interesting. was the first thing I came across... SO LISTEN VICKY!

hmmm

well what has today brought so far... an improved attitude, from when I woke up this morning.
... my car serviced for less then i thought it would cost
... treating myself to reading in a cafe, with good coffee and treating myself to lunch.
... finding out that I'm having my operation next Tuesday
... spending half an hour with Richard with out having an arguement, and him actually LISTENING TO ME!! I asked him not to buy Aston any more toys, because he didnt need them, that he really needs some clothes. and Richard went and got some for him. I'm still sitting here in amazement and surprise. enjoy the moments of victory while they are there... cause they are few and far between with him.
... feeling a litte less like all men are fuckwits like I felt yesterday.

feel like I've been recharged. Note to self: good. enjoy it. remember. You are deserving.

Hurting heart...

At Aston's request we have just sat and looked through photos from when he was in my belly to now. the first two years of photos were so painful.

This morning aston cried and asked to see daddy. I have mastered the art of looking ok on the outside, and dying a slow death inside. my heart hurt so much for him.

I know in the big scheme of things everything happens for a reason, a lesson to learn, a fear to overcome, a victory to be experienced....but right now all it feels like is pain.

standing still and hating it

Went off to the preadmission clinic on Thursday - all going well, until they looked at my knee. And there is a mosquito bite on it. Right where they would be operating. so had a consult with a ortho, who said that because I'm having a reconstruction, that the risk of infection to the bone graph was too risky.... so its been postponed for two weeks.

what a week of ups and downs - its getting done, its not getting done, its getting done, its not getting done. exhausting for my head space.

feeling very blergh today. and can't pinpoint exactly why. maybe its just a myriad of reasons all rolled into one.

There are so many things I NEED to do! but I completely lack the motivation or desire to do it. Paperwork to be sorted through, cupboards to be sorted out, basically the whole house needs an overhaul. sigh.

Just feel in a funk at the moment. limbo. not going forward, not going backward, not going anyway - just stationary. Plus I feel like if I'm sick of myself, then everyone else must be as well.

would like to run away, and start a different life as someone else...

night off.

I have a night off from being a mummy tonight. last one was my birthday, 3 months ago.

I am going to go to a girlfriends and go out to dinner I think. and enjoy the opportunity of being able to sleep in tomorrow. saying that I will probably be awake at dawn!

I started the champix on Wednesday, and I think its starting to work. I have noticed since yesterday afternoon that I smoke have a cigerette and then dont want anymore. I also told the doctor that I wasnt sleeping, so she has given me a script for valium again, and I have been sleeping better - 11.30 - 12, as opposed to the 2, 3 or not all that I was doing! as long as I can get 6hours in a row, I can function. 8 would be better, and hopefully that will come.

Once all my kidlets have gone to their various sleep overs I hope to get some painting done. I have a painting rolling around in my head that I need to do. I'm going to do it in watercolours first, then do a big acrylic version. so if I get the watercolour one done at least I will be happy.

Plus spend 15mins periodically through out the day clearing crap...... oh its such a big job. :(

failure...

... well maybe not, but are still annoyed at myself. I lasted 4 days with out a smoke. The withdrawal was horrendous. I was so incredibly irritable and cranky. Kept doing things to try and push throught it, but the final straw came when after wrestling and playing with aston, Lou and nat, aston punched me square in the nose. I saw black - literally. and ended up driving the service station and buying a pack of smokes. grrrr. I did call and make an appointment with the doctor, and went and saw her today, and have started on Champix. so hopefully this time next week I will be smoke free.

I got a letter from the hospital yesterday, and are booked in to have my knee fixed next friday 16/4. that freaked me out to say the least. I had in my mind that it would be at least a couple of months - not a couple of weeks!! ended up having a anxiety attack last night, and as I had no valium ended up awake til 3am i think.

When I went to the doctor I spoke to her about not being able to sleep and she has given me valium again. I need to be sleeping for more then 4 or 5 hours a night. I'm just exhausted. physically mentally and emotionally.

I did something incredibly stupid. I found an article about fathers and what they should be doing, and emailed it to Richard. He responded and he said that he had easter things for the kids, and that he was moving. One of the things he wanted to give Laura and Nathan was my old laptop, which for some unknown reason, other then my inability to say no at the time, he had. So I went to his house yesterday to pick up the myriad of things that he had, including the bigger car seat for aston that he will go into in November, the lap top, and easter presents. As per usual he went overboard for aston. sigh.

He has asked REPEATEDLY to see aston, and refuses to understand why I will not allow visitation unless it is at the supervised contact centre. I just keep saying the same thing over and over again. Feel like a broken record. again. sigh

About the only good thing that came out of seeing him yesterday is that I know for absolute 100 percent that there is no feelings of love towards him at all. In fact there were many awkward silences while I was there. he is completely delusional. He version of events, and the truth, are so far removed from reality its not funny.

I'm figurately smacking my head against a brick wall for being so stupid. A friend said to me I should have contacted the police and got them to go around with me to pick the stuff up. She's right. At least that way he wouldn't have misinterpreted my intent.

I have to learn NOT to have ANY expectations where he is concerned. It was very apparent that he is living in lala land. and that will no doubt never change.

I will not back down about my decision about supervised visitation. I guess the rest is up to him.

Have to shift the focus away from him, and refocus yet again on me and mine. If he isnt going to do what needs to be done that is HIS choice. I have spent too many years and far too much energy trying to get him to do the RIGHT thing.

Feeling very angry at myself for being so stupid.

antsy as a cat on a hot tin roof...

So I'm quitting smoking. Had my last cigarette this morning. And fark... aren't I feeling it now?!?!?

Cranky, irritable, teary, anxious, and craving a smoke like nothing else.

When your feeling vunerable, a myriad of emotions come up... feelings that I have obviously been masking with inhaling on a cigarette. Sadness, that bleeds into anger. Maybe its because "easter" is a time when families spend time together...and consequently I'm feeling jagged - because my family is once again broken. Even typing that statement though is bizarre, because really it was broken anyway... even with R in it.

Couldn't sleep last night - think the last time I looked at the clock it was 5am. cried alot last night. aston woke me at 6.30... going to be a very long day.....................