Friends are my family

Kirsty Lee, beautiful soul, came over with Ava yesterday, and stayed the night. I'm so incredibly thankful for it, just to have someone to be here at the moment, so that my anxiety doesn't spin out of control. I love spending time with her - she is one of those rare people that you can sit together in silence and it not be uncomfortable.Toni and Phil will arrive later this afternoon. I'm trying to clean the house out, so that it doesn't look so bad. I did the bookshelves in the loungeroom today,...

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two sleeps..

.... to go until I get my knee fixed. As long as nothing happens to stuff it all up again. I'm nervous, and a little scared. I will be staying overnight now, which I'm glad about. I was incredibly anxious about coming home after day surgery, knowing that Aston will want to be all over me... and I'm more then likely not going to be feeling very patience.Toni, Phil and Zack are coming to stay on Monday night, as I have to be at the hospital at 6.15 in the morning, which obviously means I'm first cab...

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hmmm

well what has today brought so far... an improved attitude, from when I woke up this morning. ... my car serviced for less then i thought it would cost ... treating myself to reading in a cafe, with good coffee and treating myself to lunch. ... finding out that I'm having my operation next Tuesday ... spending half an hour with Richard with out having an arguement, and him actually LISTENING TO ME!! I asked him not to buy Aston any more toys, because he didnt need them, that he really needs some...

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Hurting heart...

At Aston's request we have just sat and looked through photos from when he was in my belly to now. the first two years of photos were so painful. This morning aston cried and asked to see daddy. I have mastered the art of looking ok on the outside, and dying a slow death inside. my heart hurt so much for him. I know in the big scheme of things everything happens for a reason, a lesson to learn, a fear to overcome, a victory to be experienced....but right now all it feels like is pa...

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standing still and hating it

Went off to the preadmission clinic on Thursday - all going well, until they looked at my knee. And there is a mosquito bite on it. Right where they would be operating. so had a consult with a ortho, who said that because I'm having a reconstruction, that the risk of infection to the bone graph was too risky.... so its been postponed for two weeks. what a week of ups and downs - its getting done, its not getting done, its getting done, its not getting done. exhausting for my head space. feeling...

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night off.

I have a night off from being a mummy tonight. last one was my birthday, 3 months ago.I am going to go to a girlfriends and go out to dinner I think. and enjoy the opportunity of being able to sleep in tomorrow. saying that I will probably be awake at dawn!I started the champix on Wednesday, and I think its starting to work. I have noticed since yesterday afternoon that I smoke have a cigerette and then dont want anymore. I also told the doctor that I wasnt sleeping, so she has given me a script...

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failure...

... well maybe not, but are still annoyed at myself. I lasted 4 days with out a smoke. The withdrawal was horrendous. I was so incredibly irritable and cranky. Kept doing things to try and push throught it, but the final straw came when after wrestling and playing with aston, Lou and nat, aston punched me square in the nose. I saw black - literally. and ended up driving the service station and buying a pack of smokes. grrrr. I did call and make an appointment with the doctor, and went and saw her...

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antsy as a cat on a hot tin roof...

So I'm quitting smoking. Had my last cigarette this morning. And fark... aren't I feeling it now?!?!? Cranky, irritable, teary, anxious, and craving a smoke like nothing else. When your feeling vunerable, a myriad of emotions come up... feelings that I have obviously been masking with inhaling on a cigarette. Sadness, that bleeds into anger. Maybe its because "easter" is a time when families spend time together...and consequently I'm feeling jagged - because my family is once again broken. Even...

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