failure...

... well maybe not, but are still annoyed at myself. I lasted 4 days with out a smoke. The withdrawal was horrendous. I was so incredibly irritable and cranky. Kept doing things to try and push throught it, but the final straw came when after wrestling and playing with aston, Lou and nat, aston punched me square in the nose. I saw black - literally. and ended up driving the service station and buying a pack of smokes. grrrr. I did call and make an appointment with the doctor, and went and saw her today, and have started on Champix. so hopefully this time next week I will be smoke free.

I got a letter from the hospital yesterday, and are booked in to have my knee fixed next friday 16/4. that freaked me out to say the least. I had in my mind that it would be at least a couple of months - not a couple of weeks!! ended up having a anxiety attack last night, and as I had no valium ended up awake til 3am i think.

When I went to the doctor I spoke to her about not being able to sleep and she has given me valium again. I need to be sleeping for more then 4 or 5 hours a night. I'm just exhausted. physically mentally and emotionally.

I did something incredibly stupid. I found an article about fathers and what they should be doing, and emailed it to Richard. He responded and he said that he had easter things for the kids, and that he was moving. One of the things he wanted to give Laura and Nathan was my old laptop, which for some unknown reason, other then my inability to say no at the time, he had. So I went to his house yesterday to pick up the myriad of things that he had, including the bigger car seat for aston that he will go into in November, the lap top, and easter presents. As per usual he went overboard for aston. sigh.

He has asked REPEATEDLY to see aston, and refuses to understand why I will not allow visitation unless it is at the supervised contact centre. I just keep saying the same thing over and over again. Feel like a broken record. again. sigh

About the only good thing that came out of seeing him yesterday is that I know for absolute 100 percent that there is no feelings of love towards him at all. In fact there were many awkward silences while I was there. he is completely delusional. He version of events, and the truth, are so far removed from reality its not funny.

I'm figurately smacking my head against a brick wall for being so stupid. A friend said to me I should have contacted the police and got them to go around with me to pick the stuff up. She's right. At least that way he wouldn't have misinterpreted my intent.

I have to learn NOT to have ANY expectations where he is concerned. It was very apparent that he is living in lala land. and that will no doubt never change.

I will not back down about my decision about supervised visitation. I guess the rest is up to him.

Have to shift the focus away from him, and refocus yet again on me and mine. If he isnt going to do what needs to be done that is HIS choice. I have spent too many years and far too much energy trying to get him to do the RIGHT thing.

Feeling very angry at myself for being so stupid.