Anzac day

So... I hit further then rock bottom. I wanted out. I said my goodbyes to my children. Counted my tablets and was waiting for my heart friend to leave for work.

Next thing I know there are two ambos in my bedroom. My daughter had called them. Pretty fucked up. To put my beautiful girl in that position.

Long story short - if I didn't agree to come into the mental health ward they would place an order on me. So I agreed. Eventually. I can't guarantee right now that I won't do something to stop the pain. And the numbness. How can you feel nothing and everything all at the same time?

I've lost my smile.

My ability to feel "Joie de vivre".

All I feel is numb, and raw, all at the same time. Depression envelops me... A wet heavy blanket.

The only movement through my body is the constant trembling, it's intensity only decreasing with swallowing a little yellow pill.

My throat closes....A feeling I haven't felt in years. Sweat trickles down my sides, the exertion from trembling with anxiety it's only impetus.

Most of the time I'm in a disassociative state, disconnected from my body.
People ask me questions and my mind freezes, unable to form words to answer.
In the rare moments when I can hold a conversation, the words to explain something turn evade me - I know that they are there, but I can't remember them.

So here I am. With all the other broken people. Again.