Thursday, May 1, 2014

Anzac day

So... I hit further then rock bottom. I wanted out. I said my goodbyes to my children. Counted my tablets and was waiting for my heart friend to leave for work.

Next thing I know there are two ambos in my bedroom. My daughter had called them. Pretty fucked up. To put my beautiful girl in that position.

Long story short - if I didn't agree to come into the mental health ward they would place an order on me. So I agreed. Eventually. I can't guarantee right now that I won't do something to stop the pain. And the numbness. How can you feel nothing and everything all at the same time?

I've lost my smile.

My ability to feel "Joie de vivre".

All I feel is numb, and raw, all at the same time. Depression envelops me... A wet heavy blanket.

The only movement through my body is the constant trembling, it's intensity only decreasing with swallowing a little yellow pill.

My throat closes....A feeling I haven't felt in years. Sweat trickles down my sides, the exertion from trembling with anxiety it's only impetus.

Most of the time I'm in a disassociative state, disconnected from my body.
People ask me questions and my mind freezes, unable to form words to answer.
In the rare moments when I can hold a conversation, the words to explain something turn evade me - I know that they are there, but I can't remember them.

So here I am. With all the other broken people. Again.


  1. Oh Vicky, sweetheart ....

    You are so brave, and so kind, and you matter so very much to us xxxxxx

    I don't know what are the right words. Or if there are right words.

    I just want you to know that I am sending you love. Lots and lots of love.
    K xxx

    1. And I glady and openly receive it. Thank you xxx

  2. Sending lots of fairy wishes and butterfly kisses your way lovely lady. I hope you find the strength to keep on keeping on xx

    1. Slowly, day by day, the flame of hope is starting to burn again. How I felt a week ago, and how I feel today are vastly different. Thank the universe!!

  3. I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling. I'm glad that you're getting help.
    Please don't leave ... I don't think I could bear it.
    You are loved and you matter so much to so many people.
    Follow the light, it's there even if you can't see it.

    1. Katie I'm obviously not meant to exit this world yet. I'm slowly starting to feel better, day by day. I'm where I need to be for right now. The universe must have other plans for me. Xxx

  4. Replies
    1. Thank you. For connecting. For listening. Xx

  5. You are a truly inspiring woman. Your smile is contagious and your generosity looms where ever you go .you are my rock right in the now. And I wouldn't find my feet if I hadn't met you. With all my heart I LOVE YOU... Mumma V. Kylie xoxo

  6. You are in my thoughts and sending you my love xox Liz


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