Life on the hill: December 2012

Thursday, December 27, 2012

24 - upgrade to iPhone 5 - tick

I have been so busy playing with my latest ~~toy~~ phone that I have forgotten to tick it off my bucket list.

Since getting my first phone 11 years ago I have been a Nokia girl through and through. When iPhones hit the market I briefly considered getting one, but the thought of stepping outside my Nokia comfort zone swayed me from stepping into Apple territory.

Last Christmas I was very lucky, and got an iPad. We have been having a love affair since, with it hitting new intensity when my laptop got sick and it was my only means of using the internet. My laptop returned, and tends to sit neglected, only used if I am unable to tweak a post to appear the way I want it to in my iPad. That said, I'm on a mission to master techniques that enable me to do what I want via the iPad.

Because I have spent the last 12 months up close and personal with my iPad, when my latest Nokia started to show signs of dying, I decided that my next phone was going to be the iPhone 5. I love it! Its like having my iPad in my back pocket, with the added bonus of being able to ring people.

I'm still on the look out for the "perfect" cover, making do with a cheapy until the "one" crosses my path.

Have you got an iPhone? Suggestions on apps that you can't live with out? and covers for that matter?

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A stranger broke my veneer

I've been living in struggle town for the last few months. In the month leading up to moving house, and the month after I had moved, anxiety had its gnarled claw firmly around my throat. For the first time in a long time I found it hard to go into shopping centres, and avoided them like the plague. Being around people in general was hard, so I isolated myself, and did what just needed to be done on a day to day basis.

Not long after i moved, I finished my medication for the month, and remembered too late that I no longer had any repeats for the prescription. The thought of seeing a new doctor sent me into a panic attack, and I ended up on the phone to my old GP, in tears. Thankfully she is extremely empathetic, and faxed a script to my nearest pharmacy.

The anxiety has settled, thank fuck. I even have a new GP, and can go to the shops now without feeling sick. Unfortunately, anxiety's bedfellow depression has arrived to take over, and like the wet heavy blanket it is, it lies over me, an incubus, sucking the joy and colour out of life.

Having the joy and colour sucked out of your life leaves you numb. A paper thin shell of yourself. I get up, sometimes have a shower, get dressed, get the kids sorted, put a load of washing on, take Aston to school, come home. Have all these plans to do things to pull me out from under that wet heavy blanket, but I've become so entangled in it that I can't seem to lift it off. Instead, it pushes me to the bed, where I lay under it for a couple of hours. Sometimes sleeping, sometimes watching TV mindlessly.

About an hour before its time to walk to school to pick Aston up, I will drag myself from the bed, hang the washing up, clean up the kitchen, contemplate dinner. Do the reverse of the morning, go to bed, get up, do it all again. Interspersed amongst that is taking Laura to work, picking Laura up from work, taking Laura somewhere, picking Laura up from somewhere, taking Nathan somewhere, dropping Aston off, etc etc etc.... I do all that needs to be done... Numbly.

I realised that what I was feeling was really depression only recently. Writing about my experiences of PND, a flicker of recognition occurred. But still I diminished what I was feeling. Once I find a job I'll feel better. Once i settle into the area, It's only been three months since you moved. Once I adjust to living with a man again. Once he adjusts to living with a family. Once Laura has finished her exams. Once I rehome trixie. Once...

A complete stranger broke through my veneer. By simply being a compassionate individual. They were just doing their job. But they did it with empathy. After the appointment, I got into the car and cried. The paper thin shell had cracked.

I made an appointment to see my counsellor back on the Sunshine Coast. I knew that I needed to talk to her. To work through my head. To finally speak the truth to someone. When I saw her, I sobbed. With shame. With relief. With sadness.

How I'm feeling isn't going to be fixed instantaneously. God how I wish it would be though. But, the veneer is broken. I have spoken truth, to not only my counsellor, but to some soul sisters as well. I'm not living a lie anymore. Feeling is returning. Not all joy sunshine and happiness, but being able to cry...It's a relief. Shedding tears is so much better then being numb.

It means I'm still alive.

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19. Herb and salad garden - tick

I have started working through that bucket list of mine. Aston and I created a herb garden this afternoon.

We have coriander, chives, curly parsley, Italian parsley, basil, mint, chilli bush, rosemary and a cherry tomato plant. I think I will build on these, and put in some thyme, rocket and oregano.

Aston told me while we were doing it that I was "the best mum in the whole world". It's amazing how little things, like creating a herb garden, create a huge amount of love in his heart. Just spending one on one time with me, doing something together.

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The Bucket List

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13 months before I turned 42, I made a bucket list, 42 before 42. A list of things I wanted to do, achieve, have before I turned 42. It was like a guide. Every now and then I would check back in on that list and see how I was doing. Some things on the list changes, or no longer were important. Not all the the things happened. Most of them did though.

This last 12 months I have been adrift. With no list to guide me, I have felt somewhat lost. I'm an Aquarian, an air sign. so like a kite that likes to be gliding on the wind, if I don't have a string tethered to the earth, I get tossed around, crashing, floundering and sometimes thrown off course.

That doesn't mean I haven't achieved anything. I have. A lot. Just it's harder to "see" what those things were. So I've decided to do another bucket list to guide me through the next 13 months. Some of the things on this list, were on the first. I either didn't get to do them, or I want to do them again.

So here it is...

1. Whale watching. This is something I have wanted to do since I moved to Queensland 15 years ago. This year I'm going to make it happen!!

2. February 12 marks our anniversary. I want to go back to Mooloolaba for the weekend again, but this time somewhere that has a spa bath.

3. See P!nk in concert. Tickets booked for July! Only 7 months to go. I'm going with Laura and one of my soul sisters, and

CAN NOT WAIT!

4. Go to Seaworld with the kids, or at the very least Aston. I had such a good time when we went last time, and I know that Aston will love it immensely. He still talks about going to daydream island and touching the shark and stingrays and wants to go again.

5. I want to start going on movie dates with my gangsta teen Nathan. Dinner or lunch and a movie. Just him and I. Before I know it he will be grown and moved on, and the thread that connects us will be pulled to its extreme.

6. Go to a couple of musicals at the lyric theatre. I love going to see live entertainment. I disappear into the magic of it all, and leave the mundane behind.

7. Attend life drawing classes. It's time to push myself creatively. My soul feels like it will wither and die without it.

8. This really should be number 1, but because I am not doing these in any particular order, here it is. FINISH OUTSTANDING PROJECTS. you know what they are Vicky

9. Tattoo between my shoulder blades as an ode to my place of origin

10. A family holiday somewhere. Anywhere - where isn't important. What's important is that it is ALL of us.

11. Have a strong back. Early this year I injured my back. And it is still giving me grief. I want to be free of back pain. In order for that to happen I have to build the muscles in my core.

12. Lose 5kgs. This one and the one above are connected. I think by strengthening my core, I will lose weight as well. Especially from the place I want it to go!

13. Have a girls weekend away with my soul sisters. Somewhere in the hinterland I'm thinking. Mid year - perfect for fires, yummy food, and red wine.

14. Do a cooking class with M

15. Laugh love live paintings

16. Sharon's Gerbera painting

17. Build my blog

18. Go to a bloggers conference

19. Herb and salad garden

20. Smooth soft feet

21. Be exercising regularly, at least 3 times a week in some way.

22. Go on a date with M every six weeks.

23. Art workshop with a new medium

24. Upgrade to iPhone 5

25. Mummy and Aston dates

26. Mummy and Laura dates

27. Reduce my waist measurement from To

28. Tattoo of the Japanese symbols for family and mother on my right wrist

29. Hot air balloon ride

30. Big day out musical festival

31. Pineapple music festival tickets booked for April!

32. Do a parachute jump.

Do you have a bucket list? What's on it? Care to share? Then I can add to mine ;)

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Image Credit

Four lucky people have won the Garnier Dark Spot Corrector and BB Cream packages.

The winners are:

First Time Mama DramaDecember 9, 2012 2:43 AM

Adoescence was not kind to me,
A face left scarred from bad acne,
Pregnancy left my cheeks all dotty-
Hopefully this cream can make me a hottie!

MichVeeDecember 10, 2012 5:39 AM

Living with lines and spots can be tough
And honest, some days, I just have enough
I've tried endless products but no results
A waste of money certainly insults!
So, these would really be welcome on my face
If I win, that would be ace!!

Rebecca BirdDecember 7, 2012 1:07 AM

I really want to try the dark spot corrector, I have the worst pigmentation that has gotten worse with each of my 3 pregnancies. I've also had acne since my early teens, so I have heaps of marks from that too! My skin is so patchy, I'm embarrassed to let people see me without makeup! I love the idea of putting the BB cream on as a base for your make-up, really want to try that out now!

FiveFrogsBlogNovember 27, 2012 10:47 AM

Because I run the risk of all my dark spots and freckles suddenly joining one day to create a weird mottled orange tan!

Congratulations Ladies! Enjoy.

Oh and just for your information, my tube of Dark Spot Corrector lasted approxiamately 3 months. I just ran out last night. Off to Priceline today to get some more of that magic cream.

Questions

Abuse is so damn insidious. It's like a cancerous growth that has spread out tentacles, entangling the innocent.

Why do some people adapt and overcome, and others stay stuck in the cycle of dysfunctionality?

Why do some people see the cup as half full, allowing the emptiness to fill up with opportunity and love, and others see it as half empty, and evaporating fast?

How can two sisters come from the same starting place, yet be so diametrically opposed?

What makes one person push against everything she knew as a child, and another sit in it, victimised, repeating a similar cycle of abuse?

Why can some people own their behaviour, and apologise, while others blame their present behaviours on things that happened so long ago that's the two have nothing to do with each other?

Why am I like me, and she is like her?

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