Thursday, March 17, 2011

sometimes it sucks when you can view a situation through so many lenses...

... especially this situation. A situation that continually raises its ugly head time and time again. A situation that puts me in a place of damn if I do, damn if I don't.

Lou turns 16 in less then a month. for the last two years we have been doing this dance where because of the shortcomings of her mother she ends up here at my house for a while. the first time was when she was 14, and she was here for 2 months.... and probably would have ended up still if it hadn't been for R. Twice last year she ended up here again. The first time, I turned myself inside out trying to work things out for her - and she went back home. The second time, I just offered her some respite from the chaos that is her life. Everytime this situation raises its ugly head, I reiterate the same thing over and over and over.... She has no control over who or how her mother behaves. She only has control over HER choices. I can offer a stable home life, support through school, or a traineeship/apprenticeship, whatever - but SHE has to make the choice.

Having said all that, having her come and reside here, in my home, with my three children - well that is , or will create a dynamic all of its own. Laura ends up feeling "replaced", Nathan ends up feeling "ganged up on by TWO sisters" and well Aston doesn't really care, he just has someone else to adore and have adore him... then there is my resources... do I have enough, or anything left?

But what other choice do I have? My mother has as good as said she can't (or won't). Do I leave her to fend for herself, and hope to god that she doesn't fall any further down the abyss of depression that I KNOW she is in?

I got angry today - There are days when the responsibility of being a single mummy, with mental health issues becomes so HUGE that I want to run away... get in the car and just keep driving. But I don't. I dig a little deeper, I look and ask for rest and respite, I yell and cry down the phone to my friends. so how come my sister gets to switch off? run away? choose not to take responsibility? instead blame everything and anything on everyone and anyone else?? How is that ok???

She is my sister - I love her, but only because of that connection. As a person, I despise her. I have no tolerance. I am tired of hearing "she is unwell". So the fuck am I. I am a single mother with three kids, with mental health issues as well. The fundamental difference between me and her is that I REFUSE to give up fighting, to surrender to victimisation.

How can we have come from the same starting place, and become so fundamentally different?

1 comment:

  1. Oh Vicky...
    While I have had my drama's trying to get myself on the plane on Friday you were quietly going around the bend.. so sorry to read this.

    I'm obviously back home now and starting to catch up everything that has been happening in the last week..

    Will ring you once I have got myself back on track.


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