That's what I have to constantly remind myself every time there is any interaction with R. Each visitation, each webcam session... and the consequent fallout behaviour of Aston... I have to remind myself that this is about Aston... That regardless of how I feel about his father, Aston has the right to have a relationship with him. Regardless if I feel like R doesn't deserve to, that just because he is Aston's father, doesn't mean he has the right to be his dad. ... And there is a big difference between father and dad... Any male can father a child, be the other half of the requirement to make a human being.
Being a Dad is a whole different ball game. Being a Dad means stepping up, taking responsibility, putting your own needs aside, putting your child's needs above your own. Being a Dad means having to dig deep at those times when all you want to do is resort to the base primal behaviour of growling, yelling, being unkind.
I am realising that the sadness and anxiety that I feel when Aston sees R has a duality to it... the fact that he let Laura and Nathan down so abysmally, that I invited him into their lives, and he abused it instead of seeing it for the gift that it was. And consequently, I have to live with fact that I allowed an abusive man into their lives, and have to watch them deal with how that has affected them.... much like I have had to struggle with how my own father's behaviour affected me... there lies the duality. A mother beating herself up for making such a a massive life changing mistake... who has within her a little girl that was hurt and betrayed and abused.
So I have to remind myself that the mother in me, the lioness, has done everything she possibly can to keep Aston safe, so that he isn't also subjected to R's bad behaviour, but has the opportunity to have a relationship with his dad..... and I also have to gently remind that little girl with in that hurts and aches for things to be different, that while they may not have been different for her, it is her experiences that have helped me become the mother I am. That her experiences were not for naught...
Tuesday, March 29, 2011