Tuesday, March 29, 2011

This isn't about me this is about ...

... Aston.

That's what I have to constantly remind myself every time there is any interaction with R. Each visitation, each webcam session... and the consequent fallout behaviour of Aston... I have to remind myself that this is about Aston... That regardless of how I feel about his father, Aston has the right to have a relationship with him. Regardless if I feel like R doesn't deserve to, that just because he is Aston's father, doesn't mean he has the right to be his dad. ... And there is a big difference between father and dad... Any male can father a child, be the other half of the requirement to make a human being.

Being a Dad is a whole different ball game. Being a Dad means stepping up, taking responsibility, putting your own needs aside, putting your child's needs above your own. Being a Dad means having to dig deep at those times when all you want to do is resort to the base primal behaviour of growling, yelling, being unkind.

I am realising that the sadness and anxiety that I feel when Aston sees R has a duality to it... the fact that he let Laura and Nathan down so abysmally, that I invited him into their lives, and he abused it instead of seeing it for the gift that it was. And consequently, I have to live with fact that I allowed an abusive man into their lives, and have to watch them deal with how that has affected them.... much like I have had to struggle with how my own father's behaviour affected me... there lies the duality. A mother beating herself up for making such a a massive life changing mistake... who has within her a little girl that was hurt and betrayed and abused.

So I have to remind myself that the mother in me, the lioness, has done everything she possibly can to keep Aston safe, so that he isn't also subjected to R's bad behaviour, but has the opportunity to have a relationship with his dad..... and I also have to gently remind that little girl with in that hurts and aches for things to be different, that while they may not have been different for her, it is her experiences that have helped me become the mother I am. That her experiences were not for naught...


  1. oh shit... i need to come back and read this post later..
    Have read the 1st para and my brain is screaming..
    ... doesn't Aston have a right NOT to have a father if he isn't going to be the sort of role model that you think is worthy for your son..

    I am no doubt transferring my baggage onto your situatuon and so I will come back later when I have finished peeling the veges and finish reading your post.. honour it with a reading and comprehension consummate with the time and thought that went into writing it.

    You are one hell of an awesome mother..trust your instinct and what you know in your heart is in his best interest.. well.. that is my gut speaking and you really shouldn't listen to someone such as myself when you consider some of my demonstrable lack of judgement of late.. have been chatting to Silvano all morning and that is worthy of a blog post of its own!!

    love you Vicky bear xx

  2. This makes the 'little girl' within me ache as well...despite the distance.. You can only be guided by those that hold all the cards and hope that they do not read them wrong.

    I still feel that Aston deserves the right to choose whether he has a relationship or not.. herein lies the problem. Bye the time he is old enough to make that decision a lot of the chances to bond in a meaningful way will be passed..but then that may not be a bad thing when balanced against trauma induced by 'bad behaviour' on R's behalf.. So much good can come from this..the converse is also true. Try to take off your 'ex' hat, your 'mummmy' guise and keep the little girl inside. Use your powers as a wise woman that you are and access the situation on its merits. Then try to accept your decision. Then when you are NOT fretting about it you will be alert to any signs or symptoms of disharmony because then you will need to act. Sorry for that..so easy for me to say. xx


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