I hate being sick...

... have a filthy cold, which I think is moving into my sinuses...joy. And my period as well, just to add insult to injury. And its painful, and I feel miserable....need a cuddle, and someone to look after me for a change.... sigh.but - its just me, so I'll look after myself, as per usual.would love to sleep all day - make that all weekend. Its times like these that I feel the emorminity of being a single mummy... and alone.going to be a long weeke...

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feeling pretty god damn amazing....

for the first time in a long time. yes - I had a wonderful time on my date. Mr D is lovely... really lovely.... and while I know that there is the possiblity that it may be the one and only date on go on with him, I will just ride this wave of feeling good for a while... because its nice to feel alive. It was ... so many things, that I can't think of the right words to use. so I'm just gonna pop back on my cloud nine, and cruise along with it for a while. ...

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omg what was I thinking...

...maybe i wasn't... thinking that is....I'm going on a date tomorrow afternoon/evening... walk along the beach and dinner... With Mr D. I actually feel sick ... and a little bit excited. Its been so long since I have gone out to dinner, let alone dinner with someone of the male persuasion that can hold a conversation!!the last week has been horrendous. On Tuesday, as it was the end of the seven days for the pain patch I took it off, as I really don't feel I need constant pain relief anymore. I...

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letting the tears fall...

sometimes... no make that most of the time... its terrifying to be the mother of a 14 yo daughter... especially when your own point of reference is so utterly skewed from the "norm" and you have had to actively go and seek what the actually "norm" is... so often I'm triggered by Laura... just by what is going on in her life. I will end up back at the same age, remembering, and often feeling what I was feeling when I was her age... and with it comes profound sadness, and grief. I'm so incredibly...

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stepping out of the cave

My cousin Annie came to stay on Tuesday until thursday night. It was so wonderful to have her here, and be looked after. She made dinner, hung out washing, vac'ed, made cups of tea. But the best thing of all is that we got to make soy wax candles and melts... the house smelt sublime. funny how scents can do such a lot for your state of mind. annie is starting a business making melts and candles. Soy wax is amazing stuff, and soooooooooo much better for both the environment, and people. Came up with...

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hollow...

...like an empty husk. that's how I feel. and I'm frightened. I haven't felt this nearly this bad for eight years....and then I ended up in hospital. I feel so incredible helpless. and my rational brain keeps telling me to not be so pathetic - your not dying, you are recovering from a knee reconstruction - its going to get better.... but all that does is make me feel more frustrated and more like a failure. I feel so incredibly alone. I have three beautiful children to be thankful for - that right...

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a light bulb moment

I had a session with my therapist today. She came to see me, seeing as how I can't drive. I told her hollow I was feeling inside. about how I stuck my neck out so that R would finally go to Robbie's house so Aston could see him.about how angry I am at my mother. As we talked, and she suggested things, it suddenly dawned on me that the reason I turned myself into a pretzel for the kids, in regards to their absent fathers was because it triggers something deep with in me... that disappointed little...

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feeling miserable...

...and pissed off at life in general. Had my knee reconstruction on Tuesday, and even after asking copious questions prior to surgery, still didn't find out anything helpful until AFTER via the physio. who informed me that I'm not supposed to drive for six weeks. I just looked at him aghast... and said are you serious?? I'm a single mother with three kids! He said i could try after three, but highly recommended that I wait for six. Well that information would have been extremely helpful BEFORE THE...

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