Life on the hill: May 2010

Saturday, May 29, 2010

I hate being sick...

... have a filthy cold, which I think is moving into my sinuses...joy. And my period as well, just to add insult to injury. And its painful, and I feel miserable....

need a cuddle, and someone to look after me for a change.... sigh.

but - its just me, so I'll look after myself, as per usual.

would love to sleep all day - make that all weekend. Its times like these that I feel the emorminity of being a single mummy... and alone.

going to be a long weekend.

feeling pretty god damn amazing....

for the first time in a long time.

yes - I had a wonderful time on my date. Mr D is lovely... really lovely....

and while I know that there is the possiblity that it may be the one and only date on go on with him, I will just ride this wave of feeling good for a while... because its nice to feel alive.

It was ... so many things, that I can't think of the right words to use.

so I'm just gonna pop back on my cloud nine, and cruise along with it for a while.

:-D

omg what was I thinking...

...maybe i wasn't... thinking that is....

I'm going on a date tomorrow afternoon/evening... walk along the beach and dinner... With Mr D. I actually feel sick ... and a little bit excited. Its been so long since I have gone out to dinner, let alone dinner with someone of the male persuasion that can hold a conversation!!

the last week has been horrendous. On Tuesday, as it was the end of the seven days for the pain patch I took it off, as I really don't feel I need constant pain relief anymore. I was fine until that evening, when I started feeling nauseous, and cold, and crampy in my tummy... had a horrible night - with very little sleep. The next morning, I googled the name of the pain patch, and discovered that I was in the midst of opiate withdrawal syndrome... I was feeling a lot worse as well. shaking, cold, sweats, cramps, feeling sick, not able to sleep even though I was so tired. Spoke to a couple of friends that are nurses for some advice and how long it was going to last, who both said panadol, and a couple of days. Wednesday night, did not sleep... thursday, felt like I had been hit by a bus, but the shakes, and cold, sweats etc were starting to subside. got through thursday, but Laura had a concert that she was performing in at school, so had to drop her off, and pick her up at 10. All i wanted to do was go to bed... when I finally did go to bed, I couldn't sleep... think it was midnight when I finally fell asleep. Friday, woke up feeling a lot better, but still tired.

Had to keep going though right... because Aston had a supervised visit with his father between 2-4... We spent the morning playing, pretend in my bed, hiding from dinosaurs, bats, tigers, crocodiles... and whatever else his wild imagination came up with. He would say "quick mummy hide under the covers there is.... coming" and we would dash under the covers, and whisper to each other, then he would say, they have gone... a couple of times he got out to fight what ever mythical creature had arrived. Played monster trucks, read stories. had a lovely morning, then had mcdonalds for lunch, and dropped him off at the contact centre for his visit.

Of course Richard was late. He is supposed to get there 15 mins before we do, and he arrived 5 mins after 2. When I got into the car to drive away, I started to cry. I felt like I'd had my heart removed with a spoon...

so instead of doing the grocery shopping as I had intended, I went and did a little retail therapy. Both Laura and my S-i-l had said to me to buy something new for my "date" on monday...so I did. I sent my sil a text saying that I think it would be better if she came with for the next few visits just so that I don't feel so crap when I leave, and she text me back agreeing. Sometimes sil has a habit of sending the same text twice, so when my phone went off again, as I'm glibly looking around a shop at clothes thinking I don't want to be here, I thought it was her. But it was Mr D, which was a lovely and unexpected surprise... and sent my mood from glib, to a little bit excited - enough for me to find something to wear that I liked anyway!!!

which brings me to here, right now, thinking what the hell was I thinking!!!!

I'm going to have to go to the doctor in the morning and get a script for some valium - otherwise my anxiety will get worse, and I won't go... and I really want to go...

right Vicky STOP THINKING. trust, forgive, let go.....

letting the tears fall...

sometimes... no make that most of the time... its terrifying to be the mother of a 14 yo daughter... especially when your own point of reference is so utterly skewed from the "norm" and you have had to actively go and seek what the actually "norm" is...

so often I'm triggered by Laura... just by what is going on in her life. I will end up back at the same age, remembering, and often feeling what I was feeling when I was her age... and with it comes profound sadness, and grief.

I'm so incredibly proud of her - I look at her sometimes in absolute amazement, that the beautiful young woman she is becoming has come from me, inspite of my damaged core... Her confidence, self awareness, self esteem are so far removed from what I felt at the same age... when I was so busy trying to be invisible.

Last night we had a very intense conversation about relationships and sex. She has a boyfriend, and I can see that she is experiencing feelings,emotions, and sensations that she has never experienced before. I feel incredibly blessed that we have a relationship where we can have such conversations, but the inverse of that is that I want to run away and cover my ears, and make her stop growing up. Why is that when I look at her, not only do I see the young woman she is becoming, but I see that precious baby girl who was placed in my arms, and opened up the door of unconditional love, and all that means and entails...

last night she was performing in a concert for school, dancing on stage, in front of an audience of strangers, (and again tonight - i'm going to see it).. something that I couldn't have done at her age... let alone the myraid of other things that she does...

When I picked her up and we were driving home, she was intensely texting her boyfriend back and forward... we continued our conversation from before a little... and as I drove tears started to fall, as I went back into that time when I was her age... After a while Laura asked me "are you crying??" I didn't respond -my immediate reaction was to suck it up, and stop.. and then I stopped myself... She asked again. I replied, yes. "why are you crying?" she asked... I replied, I don't know... then I said, I think your aamzing. I couldn't have done any of the things that you do when I was your age... I'm ok, you don't have to fix this, I just need to cry.

the rest of the trip home was very quiet, other then me sniffing. i just let the tears fall.

I'm glad that I did... it allowed me to grieve for what I lost ...

still feeling a little heart sore, and can feel the tears there right now... and if they should fall, then so be it... let them fall... because in letting them fall, allows me to let go...

stepping out of the cave

My cousin Annie came to stay on Tuesday until thursday night. It was so wonderful to have her here, and be looked after. She made dinner, hung out washing, vac'ed, made cups of tea. But the best thing of all is that we got to make soy wax candles and melts... the house smelt sublime. funny how scents can do such a lot for your state of mind. annie is starting a business making melts and candles. Soy wax is amazing stuff, and soooooooooo much better for both the environment, and people.

Came up with a name for her business and designed a logo. Was so good to have creativity flowing again. and i realised part of the reason that I haven't done any painting is because i no longer have my painting corner set up. I lost the table when Richard moved out. so I asked a girlfriend who picks up things at garage sales etc if she sees a table suitable to do painting on would she grab it for me... and she has! for $40!! so I will have a table and be able to paint again - without excuses.

I'm also going to get another friend to show me how to mosaic, and do some containers for Annie to make candles in.

I feel better then I did ten days ago. Much better. I had a reading down last Wednesday, which was very interesting, and apt. and I came away feeling alot better then I had in days.... and a new word to say when I'm feeling overwhelmed.... TRUST.

so while I may be not too far out of the cave - and still hovering around the entrance... at least I can feel the sun shining.

Letters to Mr D, have progressed to hours long phone conversations... and that has been wonderful as well. Its good to speak to a man who is intelligent, and can keep up with me, and has many of the same ideas and values that I have....

so today I feel good. My knee is getting better day by day. Not having to have nurofen and panadol. are off the crutches, and are able to do a little more every day.

:0)

hollow...

...like an empty husk. that's how I feel. and I'm frightened. I haven't felt this nearly this bad for eight years....and then I ended up in hospital.

I feel so incredible helpless. and my rational brain keeps telling me to not be so pathetic - your not dying, you are recovering from a knee reconstruction - its going to get better.... but all that does is make me feel more frustrated and more like a failure.

I feel so incredibly alone. I have three beautiful children to be thankful for - that right at this moment I am able to take care of, so I feel like I'm failing as a mother. I'm angry all the time. I feel like I will be alone for the rest of my life... that I won't be that important person in someone else's life ... not that I have been in the two failed relationships I have had anyway.

I've fought so hard to not be a product of my past... but it seems that regardless of the battle, I still am. I have chosen men who have - for whatever reason - let me done, be unable to communicate, not cherish me in the way that I desire... So it leaves me wondering - what if its ME? What if I'm damaged beyond repair, and aren't ever going to be in a relationship that is in the rhelms of normality - whatever the fuck that is!

I feel so empty inside... and are quickly running out of strength to keep the facade going. I want to feel joy in my life again, and yet all I can feel is the overwhelming blackness descending upon me. I can say things like "having wasted the last seven years of my life with Richard hasn't been for nothing because I have Aston - and I can't imagaine NOT having me in my life". but at the moment the words seem hollow.

I hate that I feel like I want to run away from all of it. What kind of mother feels like that?! I hate that I have to be the grown up, the responsible one, the one that forever puts her life on hold. and i hate that I feel that way. I am being taken over by bitterness and resentment. I don't want to be around anyone, because if I hear one more person say to me cheer up, hang in there, you can do this I think I may scream.

I want to curl up in a little ball and be left alone to wither away, and be blown away by the wind like dust that just disappears...into nothingness.

a light bulb moment

I had a session with my therapist today. She came to see me, seeing as how I can't drive. I told her hollow I was feeling inside. about how I stuck my neck out so that R would finally go to Robbie's house so Aston could see him.about how angry I am at my mother.

As we talked, and she suggested things, it suddenly dawned on me that the reason I turned myself into a pretzel for the kids, in regards to their absent fathers was because it triggers something deep with in me... that disappointed little vicky...that didn't have a father as he should have been. She pointed out to me as we discussed it further, that the next time a situation presents itself that does exactly that, trigger me, then I put my children's feelings first and foremost, to stop, and think about what was really happening. It is NOT my responsibility to make sure that their fathers have a relationship with them. Its their FATHER's responsibilities. I end up sacrificing myself and my heart, in the hope that my children's hearts won't be hurt, and it doesn't end up making any difference... we all still get hurt.

She also spoke to me today about thinking about what it is that I desire in my life... to consciously think about what it is that I want to come into my life. and my first thought was I want someone in my life that will treat me with kindness... and as much as I say I don't ever want to have another relationship, in my heart I do... to be treated with love and respect and kindness.

So there.. I'm putting it out there...that there is someone out there who wants to treat me with love and respect and kindness.

feeling miserable...

...and pissed off at life in general. Had my knee reconstruction on Tuesday, and even after asking copious questions prior to surgery, still didn't find out anything helpful until AFTER via the physio. who informed me that I'm not supposed to drive for six weeks. I just looked at him aghast... and said are you serious?? I'm a single mother with three kids! He said i could try after three, but highly recommended that I wait for six. Well that information would have been extremely helpful BEFORE THE OPERATION!!!

Toni and Philip stayed the Monday night, and Tuesday night while I was in hospital. and a friend, who was coming to stay for a couple of nights before the surgery was schedule, picked me up from the hospital.

Aston had his first supervised contact visit with Richard yesterday... which richard was late to ... surprise surprise. Then I got a "poor me" text from him saying what an idiot he was. Seriously - relocation to another part of the fucking country is looking very very attractive at the moment.

I'm pissed with my mother, who for reasons only known to herself, did not consider being here to help me because she couldn't drive wouldnt be helpful.... hmmmmm what about all the other friggin things that need to get done!!!!!

I'm angry. very. I wish i could articulate what or who or why I'm angry... other then i'm pissed off at everyone and everything. finding it very hard to find anything positive about anything. so i think for the moment I'm heading into the hole to feel sorry for myself, and hopefully when i don't need crutches to get from one spot to another, when I can make a cup of tea and carry it myself, when i can shower, and get out of the shower without having to humilate my daughter by asking her to help me, when I can drive myself, when I can play with Aston, when i can do things unaided.
I have a new appreciation for having two working legs, and arms, and relative good health. I seriously can not get my head wrapped around how people do this, who have no choice, but it is their life! adapt and overcome...

on a positive note, my lovely friend anna came for a play date and cooked dinner for us. its was very yummy, and gave Laura a break from being responsible for it.

And I'm thankful for my letters from Mr Darcy - because they make me smile and laugh out loud.

now... i'm going back into the hole to sulk.