Life on the hill

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

The end of her childhood

The last few months have been monumental for my eldest child.

She has graduated from high school, the last two under stressful circumstances. Received two awards, been accepted into ACU in the young achievers program, before op results were released!, got beautifully frocked up for her formal, and turned 18.

I can't believe I have an 18 year old daughter. I have an ADULT child. How did that happen?

She is amazing. Her tenacity will get her far in life. She never never gives up.

I wonder where she got that from? ;)

I love you Lauralei. To the moon and back.

Graduating Year 12

Year 12 Formal

SeaWorld

18th Birthday

Rebound

" or·bit

1. a. The path of a celestial body .... as it revolves

around another body. "

Caught in each others orbit

circling around.

Oblivious to the outside...

its noise, an annoyance.

The pull - sublime.

The elliptical spinning - thrilling

and ...

dangerous.

Caught in another star's orbit.

Our gravities - entwined.

Slowly, gently, disentangle the tendrils,

each one bouncing back to its rightful place - my heart.

Realign my celestial body

to revolve around my heart.

It deserves to be loved,

admired, praised ... adored.

I can not love another ...

until ...

I learn to love myself

... again.

Writing to still the noise in my head

I have so many thoughts and ideas swirling around in my head. It feels like it is going to burst in a kaleidoscopic mess. One thought doesn't end before it shoots off in another tangent. Another thought, another tangent.

The noise in my head is deafening.

But to look at me, you would think there was nothing going on inside. Sometimes - often - I look void of ... everything. Feelings, emotions, thoughts.

While inside my head a cacophony plays.

To still the noise in my mind I realised that I need to write. It doesn't matter what I write. I just need to write. I haven't been writing. I haven't been doing anything. I have been in a form of stasis.

Is this how a caterpillar feels? When it slows down, spins its cocoon around itself and disappears within? Does some innate sense signal that the change is complete, that the only way to still the noise is to break free of the safe haven it created for itself, stretch its new butterfly wings, dry them in the sunlight and take flight?

********************************************************

I saw my therapist today. She reminded me of something that I had forgotten.

I am responsible for my happiness.

I think its time to start nibbling my way out of my cocoon.

Image credit

Closed for business

For reasons that are too painful to write about at the moment, I have decided to step away from the online world.

I wanted to say thank you to all the people in cyber space who have supported me on my journey. Whatever way I have interacted with you online, thank you for your encouragement and kind words. They have always come when I needed them most.

What the future holds for me and mine is anyone's guess. I just know that for right now this is the best decision for me and my family.

Until our paths cross again, remember -

“Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle” J M Barrie

Soul sisters and silver linings

In case you haven't noticed, things have been pretty full on for this single mumma of late.

For the last 3 months, I have been a fire fighter. Since March, when I was notified of the parole hearing, the universe has continued to light fires directly in front of me to attempt to extinguish.

My relationship with the man I gave my heart to (reading that post makes me cry) broke down. In reality, it started breaking down the moment we began residing together. Truth be told, I'm not surprised. Hurt. Sad. Surprised - no. The reality is that I really moved to Brisbane in order to give my daughter a home again, and the opportunity for her finish school. I knowingly took the risk that my relationship with M had every chance of not succeeding. But life is all about taking risks. I had hoped that the outcome would be different.

I truly couldn't have gotten through the last few months without the championing and support of my soul sisters. Without their belief in me to come through the other side, I would have probably fulfilled the underlying burning desire to jump into my car and drive far far away - leaving all it, my children included, behind.

Every single day I reminded myself of the silver linings that happened because I moved in with M. I had a job that I loved, I started connecting with other bloggers in real life. Opportunities to use my voice presented themselves on more then one occasion. Both Nathan and Aston were at better schools, that were going to give them both opportunities that they wouldn't have received if we had stayed on the Sunshine Coast. And lastly, but so not least, I have been able to connect to services that are essential for my daughter, and for our family.

Recently, I have been accused that it's not enough to have positive affirmations, profound quotes and sayings, if you're not practising them. I believe that I do. I falter and fall over. But pick myself up and keep going. Faltering, floundering and falling over, are not signs of not practising what I believe in my heart. For me they are signs that I need to stop, breathe, look and listen.

For the last few months I have worn around my neck a necklace made and given to me by the beautiful Naomi from Seven Cherubs, a fellow warrior woman and soul sister.

never never give up!

It's been this mantra that has gotten me through. Because I. Don't. Give. Up.

While the universe has always put fires in my life, and there have been times I have wanted to lie down and surrender to the darkness that I have been fighting, or to run away from my life, it has also put beside me beautiful people to help me through the battle.

Silver linings. They are always there. Just sometimes we have to blow away the smoke, wipe away the burnt and look again.