Christmas Past and Present

My memories of Christmas as a child in WA are full of Christmas trees that hit the ceiling, chocolate fudge and snowballs made by my Nanna, purple Malvern star bikes under the tree, a cacophony of aunts, uncles and cousins around long tables laden with lovingly made food, heat and brown skinned children running around in their underwear under sprinklers, BBQ manned by uncles in short shorts, stubbie in hand, smoke in the other, while aunties sipped Riesling from glasses wet with condensation and nibbles of jatz crackers, cheese and coloured cocktail onions.



I lived in WA from 5 until 8, 13 to 14, and had holidays there at other times. these memories are kaleidoscopic fragments of the happy joyous times of my childhood. They are precious.



From 20 until 3 years ago, my memories of Christmas are fraught with anxiety, and overwhelming sense of impending disaster. Running around trying to please everyone, and not succeeding. Taking on too much and catering for 20 people with a three month old baby, and undiagnosed PND. Being wound up tighter then a spring waiting to see what beautiful pearls of wisdom my (now ex) mother-in-law would bestow upon me read pearls of wisdom as offered up by Mrs Bucket from Keeping up Appearances - my MIL to a tee!



The whole Christmas season would be fraught with tension. From putting up the Christmas tree, to wrapping presents, to having Christmas breakfast, lunch, dinner, at whoevers place we happen to be at. (The only respite was going to my best friends family's house - that was where I could breathe!)



After this last Christmas as I sighed contentedly, I pondered why the last three Christmases have been different. At first I thought it was because I'm with M, but that has only been for two of them... then I thought it was obvious, I don't have all the stressors in my life that I had before. And then realised that actually I do, well two of them in particular that is (the kids fathers). Then it dawned on me. The biggest factor that has contributed to my past three Christmases being the best since I was a little girl is ME. I'm different.



While I may still experience anxiety, and fall down into the whole on occasion, fundamentally the person I am inside, matches the person on the outside. I'm living authentically. And true to me.



God, how far I have come!



I hope your Christmas was as good as mine. It was wonderful to feel light shining again, after being in that dark place. I can feel myself returning. And are excited about the possibilities that lay before me. I may have been down, but I wasn't out. Definitely not out.

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