Sunday, August 22, 2010

things that make you go hmmmm...

been a while between posts. Not because I haven't had anything going on, or had anything to say, but because I have started self censoring a lot... here, in my personal life, the things I say aloud - sometimes the things I even think...

Which kind of defeats the purpose of having a blog really - a space where I can dump down things that pop into my head, whether they are sensible, or nonsense, funny, or glib, boring or downright hysterical...

so what has been going on in my little world....

well I have been listening to the bells, and acting on them. I started hearing a few go off in regards to Mr Darcy...just tiny little bells... that were getting progressively louder. Nothing horrendous - well not compared to my last relationship!! but there nonetheless.

We went to Melbourne, had a fabulous time... but the bells were ringing louder when I got back. And continued to do so for the next week or two. And after not acting on said bell ringing in the past, I promised myself that I would from here on in, so I did.

The long story short is that Mr Darcy and I want different things... I  know what I want - and well, basically, he doesnt - if he ever actually has. I have the distinct feeling that what he wants can change on any given day, and that once the rose coloured glasses were removed when I started listening to the bells, I realised that I'm more of a grown up then he is, and that he is a drifter and a dreamer - charming - but not what I need in my life right now. So I pulled the pin.

The whole experience has been an interesting one to say the least. I learnt a lot from meeting him – about myself. What it is that I want, and what I deserve in a relationship. … To be treated with kindness and respect, to feel adored, to be wined and dined, and taken away for romantic weekends, to feel like the other person wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them… Also learnt that I’m a good person, with a good heart, and that now knows what she wants, and that she needs to be true to herself. I do want a significant other in my life. I thought I didn’t, but the last few weeks have shown me that I do want that person, someone to love me, someone to love, someone to laugh with, someone to support me when I need supporting – all the things that go with having a real relationship. I guess, from one perspective it means that I haven’t hardened my heart, and hate men completely.

Initially I did what I usually do - reacted, and cut off all forms of communication - deleted him from facebook, deleted his email address, deleted his phone number... blah blah blah... then after being somewhere for something that had completely nothing to do with him, I realised that if I want to stop behaviours that havent worked for me in the past, I need to change them, and instead of reacting - and pushing away, I need to learn how to respond to a situation - painful or otherwise. Mr Darcy had wanted to see me when he was down but I declined, but after having the above epiphany, I realised I owed it to him, but more importantly myself, to respond. So I caught up with him - and I think we will still be friends.

In the last couple of weeks, I have been feeling restless, but good. There is a sense of change about to come in the air - new things to happen. I feel like I'm a little more in control of the drama - and my reactions to it. Basically I guess I have realised that I have a CHOICE about whether I buy into the drama or not... I have a CHOICE about how I choose to react. When I get that "hand around my throat feeling" that makes me feel like I'm about to suffocate, I fight the urge to panic, and instead, push the "hand" away, and take a deep slow breath in and out.... Sometimes it works - sometimes it doesnt. And that's ok too.

I fell across a quote the other day that kind of summed up how I was feeling in a nut shell:

When you drop your expectations that a person, a situation, a place, or an object should fulfill you, it's easier to be present in this moment because you're no longer looking to the next one. Most people want to get what they want, whereas the secret is to want what you get at... this moment." Eckhart Tolle

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