Friday, August 27, 2010

cycles and full moons

My cycle - my menstrual cycle that is - has fallen in line with the moon cycle. Every full moon for the last 4 months I have started my period. The full moon always plays havoc with my psyche anyway - add hormonal influences into the mix as well... and well its an interesting result to say the least. I get cranky, and irritable, and restless, and moody, and irrational, and teary.... not very pleaseant to be around altogether really.

On Tuesday morning I woke up with a cracking headache, that I had gone to sleep with the previous night. My periphal vision was on the way out.. which meant that a migraine was on its way. Light and noise were hurting my head, and I felt bloody lousy. All I wanted to do was get back into bed.... but the life of a single mummy with three children means that you have to make sure everyone else is ok FIRST before climbing back into bed. So I muddle through, my vision getting harder and harder to focus... got A to daycare, went straight to the chemist, got some Myersondal, and drove home, all the time thinking "I don't think I should be driving". Took two tablets and crawled back into bed - it was 9.45 by this time... I woke at 1.45... head hurting less and just that dreggy feeling of after having a migraine - get up go to the toilet, and yay!... period arrives.

talking about adding insult to injury!

Mr Darcy had asked to see me again this Wednesday, and I hadn't heard from him... which was pissing me off no end in my highly emotive state. After sending him a text, and attempting to call him to find out if we were catching up or not on Tuesday, I sent him a text on Wednesday morning telling him that he had perfecting being rude into a fine art, and that if was trying to piss Vicky off he has successfully succeeded!! about 15mins later my mobile rang - but as I was on the land line I didn't hear it, until A arrived in front of me with it... so i just text him saying Yes? You called? and kept getting A ready for daycare. On the way to drop him off, my mobile rang again, and it was Mr D.

We ended up meeting at Montville for lunch. I desperately needed to get out of the house and have a change of scenery. Apparently (mmmmm...) he had text me, and I hadn't recieved them.... He was most apologetic - and I told him he could buy me lunch!!! It ended up being a very lovely afternoon. Had lunch at the Poet's Cafe - my favourite cafe, and strolled around the shops in Montville. For right now I'm happy to see him when it suits me...

It's N's birthday tomorrow - he is 12.... N's birthday is always a very odd time for me... because of all that was going on around his birth - my relationship with his father was well and truly on the demise, I was in the midst of PTSS and Acute Anxiety, but not yet diagnosed... it was a pretty horrible time. Most of the first 18months of N's life is all a blur....

N's birthday also marks the first of the events of the next few months that I would quite happily just go to sleep for... from the 21st August until the 5 Jan I would like to hibernate.... But unfortunately that isn't an option... so I will suck it up and do N's birthday, father's day, R's birthday, A's birthday , christmas, then L's birthday... will go into automatic response mode I think............

Sunday, August 22, 2010

counting my blessings...

This morning I came across this article Count your Blessings from the Heal your life site. So I have decided in an effort to become more aware of the blessings I have in my life - no matter how small, or insignificant someone else may thing they are, that I need to be aware of them, and acknowledge them.

When we focus on abundance, our life feels abundant; when we focus on lack, our life feels lacking. It is purely a matter of focus. - Susan Jeffers

So here goes... lets see how many I can get to today
1.The sun was shining, and the hint of spring is in the air
2.I got to chat to my best friend for an hour
3.I got to go back to sleep for an hour
4.Nathan looked after Aston
5.Nathan took the washing off the line for me, and put the dishes away
6.I have food in the cupboard to randomly make muffins, and cheese and vegemite scrolls
7.for the first time in a long time I have money in my bank account bills are all paid
9.I'm a week in advance on my rent.
10.I got to have a cup of tea and chat with another good friend this evening
11.My daughter is conversing with me unprompted.
12.I got to read the sunday paper - online
13.I have a computer and internet access to be able to read the sunday paper online
14.My knee is feeling better and more flexible every day
15.I have food in my cupboard
16.I have somewhere to live.
17.I have a car to drive
18.I live in a beautiful place
19.I have three beautiful children that are relatively healthy and happy
20.I have so much stuff that I am able to give some of it away and not even notice it gone

things that make you go hmmmm...

been a while between posts. Not because I haven't had anything going on, or had anything to say, but because I have started self censoring a lot... here, in my personal life, the things I say aloud - sometimes the things I even think...

Which kind of defeats the purpose of having a blog really - a space where I can dump down things that pop into my head, whether they are sensible, or nonsense, funny, or glib, boring or downright hysterical...

so what has been going on in my little world....

well I have been listening to the bells, and acting on them. I started hearing a few go off in regards to Mr Darcy...just tiny little bells... that were getting progressively louder. Nothing horrendous - well not compared to my last relationship!! but there nonetheless.

We went to Melbourne, had a fabulous time... but the bells were ringing louder when I got back. And continued to do so for the next week or two. And after not acting on said bell ringing in the past, I promised myself that I would from here on in, so I did.

The long story short is that Mr Darcy and I want different things... I  know what I want - and well, basically, he doesnt - if he ever actually has. I have the distinct feeling that what he wants can change on any given day, and that once the rose coloured glasses were removed when I started listening to the bells, I realised that I'm more of a grown up then he is, and that he is a drifter and a dreamer - charming - but not what I need in my life right now. So I pulled the pin.

The whole experience has been an interesting one to say the least. I learnt a lot from meeting him – about myself. What it is that I want, and what I deserve in a relationship. … To be treated with kindness and respect, to feel adored, to be wined and dined, and taken away for romantic weekends, to feel like the other person wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them… Also learnt that I’m a good person, with a good heart, and that now knows what she wants, and that she needs to be true to herself. I do want a significant other in my life. I thought I didn’t, but the last few weeks have shown me that I do want that person, someone to love me, someone to love, someone to laugh with, someone to support me when I need supporting – all the things that go with having a real relationship. I guess, from one perspective it means that I haven’t hardened my heart, and hate men completely.

Initially I did what I usually do - reacted, and cut off all forms of communication - deleted him from facebook, deleted his email address, deleted his phone number... blah blah blah... then after being somewhere for something that had completely nothing to do with him, I realised that if I want to stop behaviours that havent worked for me in the past, I need to change them, and instead of reacting - and pushing away, I need to learn how to respond to a situation - painful or otherwise. Mr Darcy had wanted to see me when he was down but I declined, but after having the above epiphany, I realised I owed it to him, but more importantly myself, to respond. So I caught up with him - and I think we will still be friends.

In the last couple of weeks, I have been feeling restless, but good. There is a sense of change about to come in the air - new things to happen. I feel like I'm a little more in control of the drama - and my reactions to it. Basically I guess I have realised that I have a CHOICE about whether I buy into the drama or not... I have a CHOICE about how I choose to react. When I get that "hand around my throat feeling" that makes me feel like I'm about to suffocate, I fight the urge to panic, and instead, push the "hand" away, and take a deep slow breath in and out.... Sometimes it works - sometimes it doesnt. And that's ok too.

I fell across a quote the other day that kind of summed up how I was feeling in a nut shell:

When you drop your expectations that a person, a situation, a place, or an object should fulfill you, it's easier to be present in this moment because you're no longer looking to the next one. Most people want to get what they want, whereas the secret is to want what you get at... this moment." Eckhart Tolle

Monday, August 2, 2010

round and round and round and round.... does it ever friggin stop??

I have often said that I feel like I was dropped from outerspace into my family - the one I came from - not the one I have made. God is that feeling amped tonight!!

I got home about half an hour ago (10.30pm) from picking up my neice Louise - left at 7.15, just after dinner - thinking I'd be back by 9 at the very latest. After I had gotten off the phone this afternoon to Lou, I rang my sister, and sent her a text, to tell her that Louise had contacted me, and ask to come and live here. She didn't answer, or reply. Rang my mother - to at least let someone know that Louise had contacted me, and that I had attempted to contact Kylie - mum... messy. sigh. understandable.

as i'm on the way down to get Lou, Kylie texts me, wanting me to call her. so I did. told her that I had spoken to Lou and that she wanted to come and live with me. Kylie's answer - You can have her. She's dead to me - I don't want anything to do with her - or you! and hung up on me. ten minutes later, my mobile rings - its Kylie. I cant understand a word she is saying... garbled howling, and in between ..,. he's dead... garbled howling. I yelled down the phone to her WHO IS DEAD?... because I thought she was talking about Jayden, my nephew. She says - BeBe My dog - He's dead! He just got run over - so I KNOW that Louise is dead to me - I got the dog for Louise, and on the day she leaves he get's run over!!! You can have her - good luck you gonna need it - she's a handful!" and hangs up again.

By now, I've slowed to a halt on the 110km/hour Bruce highway, because they are doing night road works on the friggin thing - and my battery on my phone starts beeping - i have one bar left. Great. Finally get going again after 20 mins. While I'm sitting there waiting - I'm thinking fuck - do I tell louise that her dog's been run over? or do I wait? she's already a mess....

blah blah blah blah.... See - that's why I SWEAR I was dropped by aliens into my family.

The journey home, Louise sitting in the passenger seat tears rolling down her face, and me holding her hand... stopped got a hot fudge sundae from Mickey Dee's drive thru - chocolate and icecream are good in a crisis...

Just reread what I have written - and there is a edge of hysteria in my written voice....

I spoke to her a little - she asked about school... - she goes to school in Mountain Creek. There is no physically possible way I can get her there - she starts at 7.30am. I said to her - darlin' there is no way I can get you there. I know how you are feeling right now - I really really do, and the last thing you want to have to do is start another friggin school (like me, she has been to oh - 14 probably...maybe more) .... Can I get a bus? she asks...

in the end I said to her to lets just get through tonight, and we will figure out what we are going to do tomorrow... I'll help her sort through it... somehow.

I want to THROTTLE my sister right now. I'm furious - on so many fronts - as a woman, as a mother, as her sister, as the kid that had very similar things happen to her! FUCK!!!! ...

breath Vicky.


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