tick tock... someone please slow the clock

Half way through January already. two weeks until I turn 40. just under two weeks until my mother arrives.... which means just under two weeks until the possiblity of some crisis or another occuring...

I'm fairly certain that my sister is off her medication. I have thought so from since before christmas. She is manic.and its building...

why does it always seem to happen around the times when its supposed to be something special for me...every friggin time

I'm glad that i decided to have my celebration the way I want it to be the weekend after my birthday.

I'm having nine women over to my house for 24hours of celebrating the godess within.i did look at finding a place to stay at but decided that I live in a massive house, with magnificent views so why go anywhere? so i have put it to my girlfriends to help me change it into a spa - bring candles, essential oils, massage table, foot spas, etc to pamper ourselves, eat decandent food, drink bubbles, and watch chick flicks, solve the problems of the world, and generally just honour being women. I'm really looking forward to it. There would so many other women I would love to have here - but they live too far away - like in other states lol.

My SIL is coming tomorrow with Zack - I cant wait to have baby cuddles, and breath in that new born smell... makes my heart aching thinking about it.

There is so much more I could write...but I so don't want to focus on the negative things happening around me. I'm really trying to let all those things slide off me, and attract positive things into my life. and I figure that writing them down only draws that negative energy in...

so today I'm grateful that Nathan got to go and spend quality time with wonderful friends who love him nearly as much as I do, and that it will feed and heal his hurting heart... That I had lots of lovely cuddles with my little boy, and got to listen to the amazing stories that he is coming out with lately. His imagination is blossoming and it is beautiful to watch. Each night I sit on the floor beside his bed and hold his hand til he falls asleep. most nights it takes about two minutes, but its lovely to feel this little hand in mine...that Laura unasked did the washing up for me, without a whole dose of attitude... that there was a beautiful breeze blowing this afternoon as I had a cup of tea and watched the mountain...

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Lauralei

This time 14 years ago I lay restlessly waiting for tomorrow. Trying to sleep, but so excited with the anticipation of finally meeting this small child that lay within my womb. Who would they be? What would they look like? Was it a boy.. or a girl?

All through my pregnancy - up until 3 weeks before your birth - I was convinced you were a boy. I wanted you to be a boy. If you were a boy, then all the fears that I held deep inside me would never come to fruition... I could relax. Then just before you were born I had an incredibly vivid dream of a little girl about 9 months old sitting in the bath, with sandy coloured curls, with a gold bracelet on her wrist. And I knew at that moment that you were a girl. And I was afraid.

The moment your were placed in my arms, swaddled tightly to keep you warm, and feeling safe, my fear disappeared. You looked at me, and blinked with recognition. Your small face in an expression of rememberence... "oh yes, now I remember, I'm back." An old soul was my first thought, you had been here before.

I looked at you in wonder... amazement... that something so precious - so beautiful - so pure had come into my life, and I wept. Tears of the overwhelming feeling of what unconditional love means. It washed over me, pouring into my battered and bruised heart, planting seeds of hope where none had laid.

And now - 14 years on - I still look at you in wonder and amazement... at the person you have become, the passionate, stubborn, confident, campassionate, dramatic, intense, incredible young woman... and feel so blessed that you chose me as your mother.

Thank you for all the things you have taught me, and will continue to teach me. Thank you for helping me to truly learn what unconditional love is. Thank you for helping me to feel the fear, and do it anyway.Thank you for igniting within me the courage to speak the truth, and make a difference.

Thank you for being my daughter.

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2010...

Thank god I have finally seen the back of 2009. New year, new opportunities, new possiblities...new perspective.

So what would I like to achieve this year....

First and foremost - some type of inner peace. To spend less time in a state of trauma, and more time feeling calm.
Reconnect with my children.
Move house.
Paint.
Write.
Clean out the crap in my life - people, stuff, things... whatever... to allow new and exciting things to enter.
Get a tattoo. :D

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