This time 14 years ago I lay restlessly waiting for tomorrow. Trying to sleep, but so excited with the anticipation of finally meeting this small child that lay within my womb. Who would they be? What would they look like? Was it a boy.. or a girl?
All through my pregnancy - up until 3 weeks before your birth - I was convinced you were a boy. I wanted you to be a boy. If you were a boy, then all the fears that I held deep inside me would never come to fruition... I could relax. Then just before you were born I had an incredibly vivid dream of a little girl about 9 months old sitting in the bath, with sandy coloured curls, with a gold bracelet on her wrist. And I knew at that moment that you were a girl. And I was afraid.
The moment your were placed in my arms, swaddled tightly to keep you warm, and feeling safe, my fear disappeared. You looked at me, and blinked with recognition. Your small face in an expression of rememberence... "oh yes, now I remember, I'm back." An old soul was my first thought, you had been here before.
I looked at you in wonder... amazement... that something so precious - so beautiful - so pure had come into my life, and I wept. Tears of the overwhelming feeling of what unconditional love means. It washed over me, pouring into my battered and bruised heart, planting seeds of hope where none had laid.
And now - 14 years on - I still look at you in wonder and amazement... at the person you have become, the passionate, stubborn, confident, campassionate, dramatic, intense, incredible young woman... and feel so blessed that you chose me as your mother.
Thank you for all the things you have taught me, and will continue to teach me. Thank you for helping me to truly learn what unconditional love is. Thank you for helping me to feel the fear, and do it anyway.Thank you for igniting within me the courage to speak the truth, and make a difference.
Thank you for being my daughter.