Saturday, October 29, 2011

Celebrating feeling good

I wasn't going to do a Grateful post this week because... well I'm feeling great.

How silly is that? Instead of celebrating feeling great, and writing about it, I was going to let it slip by, acknowledged only by me. It was only after reading other grateful posts that I decided that feeling great is a very very good reason to be grateful. The fact that I didn't have to dig deep to find wonder and gratitude is by itself something to be grateful for.

So I'm celebrating feeling good.

The new medication I have started has taken away that nasty angry feeling, my anxiety and agitation have leveled out. I can see the colour in the world again, feel the sun, and not feel overwhelmed by anything and everything.

I have re-enrolled in uni, and started my course. It feels so good to be engaging my brain again in a subject that I am passionate about.

I had the tattoo on my side added to and I LOVE IT! It feels like a piece of art now.

I getting through that bloody elephant a little bit every day. Its forward momentum, instead of stagnant standing still.

I am re-connecting with my daughter. Our relationship has changed, evolved, into something new. The distance between us doesn't feel any where near as far as it did. She is an amazing young woman.

I have also re-connected with my mother. The last two months have been an interesting time for both us, with a lot of healing happening on both fronts. I have a far greater ability now to stand back and see her as a woman - not just as my mother. And in being able to do that, I have greater understanding of her.

Maxabella Loves has helped me to see gratitude in the big, small and everything in between. What's going on in your world that you can be grateful for?

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Ticking off that list....

1. finish the teachers aide course and have a job ( are rethinking this one - not sure I want to do the teacher's aide course... the job thing I still want to do though) I have completely rethought this, and decided not to do it. I have enjoyed having the time to "completely recover and live with out trauma in my life" as my therapist wisely put it.

2. sold some of my paintings. This is still a work in progress. I have done several more paintings, and have been asked if I can do some more. My soul sister helped me work out a "pricing worksheet" as I struggle to put a price on what I do - which is why I end up doing paintings as gifts.

3 get divorced (that process has been started officially today. before I can get divorced I have to have children's orders in place. Today I went and started the mediation process that will get the children's orders completed - which then means I can file for divorce!!) I'm sending off the divorce DIY kit next week. I NEED TO DO THIS!!!

4 sorted out my health (I had blood tests late last year - and sugars were good, iron levels crap, and cholesterol levels too high - but at least I have something to work with. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to review my medication, and discuss my increased anxiety at the moment) I have been making conscious choices about what I put in my mouth. Are doing some research into the topic of the moment - the addictive qualities of sugar.
5. be exercising on the Wii at least 3 times a week (um... yeh... so... um...nope)

6. Learn how to dance at dance classes (I told my soul sister about this one - and for the last four months she has been going to dance classes!! When I get back from holidays I will look further into this for myself)

7. have a firm stomach Learn to embrace the body I have. because lets face it... I'll be turning 42, not 22, and have had three kids. That stomach of mine is never gonna be the same....

8. grown my hair (this is a work in progress - I have been to the hairdressers, and as hard as it was I just got a trim - didn't get it all cut off!!) Still a work in progress... its getting there... somewhat curlier then ever before...

9. be wearing contacts lenses again Have canned this idea completely. Wearing glasses is a part of who I am, so I have ordered new ones, and new sunglasses.

10 at least once a month be doing something that is all about me - massage, live theatre, etc etc I do this regularly, and love it. feeds my soul.

11. gone on holiday somewhere by myself Are going to NZ with M, and can't wait. :)

12. gone on holiday with the kids (are in the process of booking a holiday for the September school holidays to day dream island!!!!) Paid for holiday today... so excited!!
13 fallen in love with someone who values, respects, adores me (well... um... have met someone, who I like A LOT... guess we will have to wait and see where it goes from here....) The journey can be read all about here and here and here oh.. and here, here ,here and here ....

14 saved $2000 Still working on this one too.... seems bills, and expenses keep getting in the way. Bloody car. One way I could look at it though is that I have paid for a holiday for me and my kids, been paying all my bills, rent, etc. So there may be none left to save, but at least there is enough to cover the expenses.

15 have my tattoo on my wrist finished.(Booked in for this Wednesday!!!) Its done!! and I love it! check out here to see the finished work.

16. had my tattoo on my side added to


What lies behind us & what lies before us are but tiny matters compared to what lies within us
 - Ralph Waldo Emerson

17. culled all the unwanted, un-needed "things" in my life OUT I'm eating that elephant daily!

18. have a vege and herb garden productive - well the fact that I have decided to move in the school holidays has put this idea in the to do list for later... but does creating a herb garden for M count? :)

19. learn how to crochet My soul sister started teaching me last week... I have FAR to go! re-enrolled in uni When I get back from Daydream Island I will be able to do this! I am so excited that I have done this. I have started studying this week. So good to be engaging my brain again. tattoo on base of spine.

22. have finished all the unfinished projects that I have - or gotten rid of them another bite of the elephant in progress.

23. get a new bed

24. get a dresser

25. double bed for Laura  I no longer need to do this. Laura is leaving at her Dad's

26. nose pierced

27.make all Christmas and birthday presents for this year Have started doing this. Loving the smell of candles being made.

28 reduce Internet/phone/mobile/electricity costs and save the difference I reduced my mobile bill significantly, and since changing the plan have not gone over the plan cost. Pretty happy about that!

29. gone to dreamworld/sea world/wet'n'wild with the kids on a mini holiday (I brought the VIP for myself and the kids for Christmas - which doesn't expire until 30 June. So far we have been to Movieworld, and Seaworld, and L and N went to wet'n'wild with friends. I going to let N take a "mental health day" and him and I are going to head to Movieworld and have a day together.)
30. looked into getting a new to me car

31 learn to salsa This is a duplicate of learning to dance... so will have to find something new to put here

32. start zumba classes There is Zumba classes locally...

33 water colour painting classes

34 Mosaic classes

35 Art workshops. (have THREE booked!! One this coming Saturday - working with mixed media, and two more in February!!)
36 Go whale watching this season Have a brochure about this, would like to do it before we go away to Daydream Island This will have to go on my list TO DO next year... the season is over :(

37 climb Mt Cooroora ( I recently got half way up... and will get to the top!!)

38 learnt a natural alternative to get, and keep my anxiety under control

39 by the end of the year moved house.

40 re-enrolled into uni to finish my teaching degree duplicated...

41 started writing "my story", possibly in collaboration with my therapist.

42 have a big party for my 42nd birthday!!!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

The benefits of eating an elephant

One of the benefits of eating this elephant is not only am I chucking out a whole lot of accumulated "stuff", I have been finding things that I had forgotten I had. And me being Frugal Vicky they are things that can be re-cycled, re-used, re-gifted...

I found five beautifully simple glass cylinder vases that I had brought to put candles in for Aston's naming ceremony 4 and half years ago...(how does one forget that you have five vases - obviously have had lots of flowers NOT). Gift boxes that were in perfect condition, brand new children's books, picture frames, and other bits and pieces that I looked at and thought "Oh, so and so would love that for Christmas, or I could use that to put so and so's birthday present in."

One of my hobbies is making soy wax candles, so I'm always on the look out when visiting op shops for suitable containers. I had recently seen in a shop candles made in tea cups that looked gorgeous. On a recent op shop rampage, I found a whole lot of suitable teacups to make presents with.

It was one of my soul sister's birthday last Thursday. One of the vases came in handy to fill with a beautiful arrangement of flowers, and a gift box I covered in pretty wrapping paper (the teddy bears on it where just not doing it for me), and put two of the teacup candles I had made for her in the box.

Candles in a tea cup

Spring flowers

I do love it when I am able to create something beautiful out something else.

Do you re-cycle, re-create, re-gift?

Monday, October 17, 2011

Spring Stylin' on a budget

Once again I have to thank my styling guru Nikki over at Styling You. Recently she reviewed Big W's new range of clothes Emerson. Me, being the ever conscious budget -hunting- but -still- want -to- be stylin' mumma, checked it out when I was last in Big W.  I took another leaf out of Nikki's book, and went right through my wardrobe, made a list of basics that I needed, and took a trip to the op shop to drop off things I no longer wear. While I was there I also happened to find a couple of pieces that were on my list!!

I have to agree with Nikki. The Emerson brand is great. So great that I walked out with three pairs of stretch Capri pants for under $30... Yes that's right UNDER $30. A massive $9.45 each. I once saw an episode of Trinny and Susannah where they recommended if you found something that you like, and it fits and looks good on you, buy it in several colours.... So I did. A white pair, an indigo denim and a black. The thing I love about them is that they can go from super casual to dressy with a change of shoes, accessories and turning up the hem if you so desire.

Emerson 3/4 Capri pants (top - op shop buy!!)
Off to birthday lunch with my soul sister

With my bargain purchases I have effectively created at least 12 "new" spring/summer outfits - both casual and dressy. Very happy bunny indeed.

If you don't already, check out Styling You. Nikki holds regular give aways, gives wicked styling advice, and is very chic in my opinion. Love your work Nikki. :)

Sunday, October 16, 2011

faking it 'til you make it...

... that's me at the moment. Faking it 'til I make it. I get up, have a shower, get dressed, put on some make up, and try and pretend. However that gets a whole lot harder to do when you have to change medication.

The process of coming off one anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med and going onto another is particularly unpleasant. Make that FUCKING unpleasent. Well it is for me. Coming off one by reducing the dose by half made me agitated, anxious, angry and down right revolting to be around. (I wanted to punch something. I don't like feeling that way!)  I felt like I was above my body watching what was happening, hating every minute of it, and not being able to do anything about it. And having the internal dialogue in my head shouting YOU ARE A FAILURE, FAILURE, FAILURE.

Starting the new med on the first day made me feel nauseous, and agitated and anxious. At least the angry part had gone. By the end of the day I was starting to feel "normal" ... whatever normal is, but at least less agitated and anxious.

I don't want to be around anyone at the moment. My kids, my man, my mother, my animals, my friends... no one or anything. I'm having a pity party by myself, a bowl of dry nutrigrain, and a bottle of coke for company, and stupid catch up TV.... Today I'm not faking it. I'm too tired to pretend.

This week can just disappear...with me... until I come out the other side feeling less like a fruit cake, and more like a relative 'sane' individual.

This is my grumble sunday. Thanks Madam Bipolar... I feel slighty better just for blurting and whinging and having a pity party.

As an aside has anyone seen this new ad:

Change your mind about mental illness

Saturday, October 15, 2011

being a fruit cake

This week has been more then a little manic.

I'm changing medication for anxiety. And it sucks.

But because I'm desperately focusing on keeping going - faking it 'til I make it, instead of crawling under the covers and disappearing, I will look out of myself and see that amongst the mania and shakes, and agitation there have been many moments to be grateful for....

  • my daughter and I are communicating again, online, but hey its a start. Baby steps.
  • having my mother here has literally been a god send. I'd be heading for the Psyche ward otherwise
  • blogs - seriously. I've had trouble focusing on things this week, but sitting and reading blogs has made me laugh, cry, relate, and not feel alone
  • my friends, for not giving up on me, for loving me in spite of my fruit cakeness, for supporting me, for being there on the end of the phone while I ranted and raved, making no sense, for seeing the endless possibilities that lay with in me and continually reminding me of them

and last, but certainly by no means least, I'm grateful for Maxbella loves for creating and hosting this link up because just doing this one little exercise over the last few weeks has kept me going. Thank you beautiful woman. x

Saturday, October 8, 2011

How do you eat an elephant?

Maxabella loves grateful posts always arrive at the most appropriate time for me... even at 3.20am when I can't sleep because my mind is buzzing.

To quieten the buzzing I thought I start thinking about the things that I have to be grateful for this week. A change in perspective - looking outwards instead of in.

After coming back from holidays, I walked into this house, and the overwhelming sense of wanting to flee washed over me. I need to leave. Its time. I have given my self until the end of the Christmas school holidays to sort, clear, pack, clean, chuck ... whatever needs to be done, to be ready to move. Why so long? Well this is the longest I have lived in any house. In  my life. 5 years in March. And in those nearly 5 years I seemed to have accumulated an awful amount of "stuff". So let the clearing begin- both physically, and metaphysically.

The reason it has taken me so long to attempt the task is every time I have started in the past two years I have become overwhelmed with anger and tears and frustration... of a 1000 feelings all reeling through  my body at once. So I stop... and it doesn't get done.

My mum is back with me, until the end of October. For this I am incredibly grateful. Having another adult in the house, someone to buffer, encourage and support me - because that's what I need right now.

We started in the study - which I had renamed my in box - because that is what it had become. One big inbox, where everything that I needed to deal with in the way of paperwork was dumped. 6 hours, 10 bags of paperwork later, and a trip to the op shop the study is cleared.

Mum sat and kept me company - because only I really knew what needed to stay and what needed to go. She was there when I fell across a pile of things regarding R, that opened a door of absolutely rage inside of me. Things that my children had done for him. Things that he didn't value or appreciate for the precious gifts that they were. And I screamed and howled and cursed and ripped and chucked.

What am I grateful for this week.... having the courage to start what needs to be done, that my mum is here with me to help, and that I didn't fall apart in the process.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

or colour it in one section at a time... :)

Monday, October 3, 2011

Where did September go?

Oh that's right, it was fraught with change and heart ache, so it passed in a blur.

The last week of September was good. I went to Daydream Island, via sleep train, bus, then boat. I scuba dived, para sailed, jet skied, tube rode, snorkeled, had a couple of massages, cocktails, loads of sunshine and lots of swimming.

Going was one of my 42 things before 42, and achieving it on the limited budget I have felt pretty good. Unfortunately it was bittersweet, as it wasn't quite the family holiday that I had planned. Not my whole family was with me. Sometimes the hardest decisions to make suck. But I'm a big believer in actions = consequences, and this was a definite case of consequences.

I've been thinking a lot of late, after some commentary on my blog, why do I write this. I write for me. Not an audience. I write about the sublime, the ridiculous, the curious, the mundane, the drivel that makes up my head. I am many people and many things... a woman, a mother, a survivor, an artist which I prefer to say I paint but I'm trying to embrace the word...,   a scholar, a friend, a lover, passionate, silly, at times a little bit insane, someone who experiences the effects of mental illness - both directly, and indirectly.

If you read my blog, you are in effect looking inside my brain... which at various times, for various reasons can range from pure crap of inane ramblings, to deeply heart felt real truth... and anything in between.

I'm on the cusp of enormous change. Some of it has already happened, some of it is in the process of happening, but change it will. And it has to.... like the shedding of a skin, its time to slough off the old, and prepare for the new... just wish I didn't feel so terrified in the process.


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