Saturday, February 27, 2010

its the little things that count...

it really is. There is the sound of joy in my house again. for the first time in a long long time. there is laughter, and fun. My boys have been chasing each other around the house, after Aston - the 3yo, snapped his brothers undies. Now where he learnt to do that I have no idea. But they are playing, and Laura is laughing. and my heart feels good. oh so good.

I think I'm coming down with a cold, so have rested on and off for most of the day. Laura cleaned up the kitchen for me, unasked. and did a mighty fine job of it. Nat has been playing with Aston for most of the day. Aston is his little shadow. Lot of hero worship going on there!

So even though I have to go back to court in two weeks - there is a noticable difference in my children, not having the constant calling, and R coming here. They are relaxing. They are happy. They are feeling peaceful.

I went to dinner last night at a friends, and she commented on how much more relaxed the kids are.... Confirmation enough for me that I'm doing the right thing.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

yeah - well that was a waste of time....

Went back to court today. And HE asked and got another adjornment on the grounds of just being able to access legal advice - ffs he has had two weeks! And was told at the last hearing that if he contacted Family Relationships it would expediate the whole process of getting parenting orders in place. he hasnt contacted the supervised visitation place either. yet has the audacity to walk... hobble into court and give the magistrate a piece of paper that obviously claimed that I was keeping aston from seeing him. I reiterated yet again, that I had an appt with Family relationships for parenting orders. I also have an appt with the Supervised Visitation place next friday. And my application for Legal Aid to hand in on Monday.

I came out of court and was so angry and upset. He is just doing what he always does being manipulative and controlling. So I have to go back AGAIN in two weeks. But this time round I will go armed with my OWN piece of paper.

Stupid prick.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

a dull moment

There is a running joke between me and my friends about me never having a dull moment.... well I'm having one. and its absolute bliss. Have had a lovely lazy day with my boys. And have just slowed myself right down. Have felt no anxiety today at all, and consequently have not had to have any valium.

I'm going to meet up with my old boss tomorrow, who is here visiting from Brugge. I'm lucky enough to be getting two paintings as well. It will be good to see her. Been such a long time, and they were both so incredibly supportive during a really hard time in my life.

I was sitting outside watching the moon and listening to the frogs sing, and thinking about how important it is for me to be aware of how I am feeling. When I consciously take note of what my body is feeling, and then consciously tell it to slow down, I feel so much better.

I'm feeling free... and more empowered then I have in a long time. That could all come spinning down on the head of a pin, but for right now I will enjoy it.

Friday, February 5, 2010

the straw that broke the camels back

well its finally happened. my breaking point. the place where i have gotten to that there is no point of return.

It was the friday night before my birthday, and I was going to a friends place to get a tattoo done. and I had managed to be able to go without any children in tow.
anyway - the texting began from R. I turned my phone on silent. This was the first night in over 4 years that I had no children, and was out with friends, doing something that I wanted to do, and I wasnt going to let him ruin it.

But as is always the case with R... things continued with texting and calls. He turned up at my place at around 7pm on the Saturday - my actual birthday, so off his face. I refused to engage in a conversation with him, and he left - but not before driving into the pole that holds the gate 3 times. in front of the kids. He just was so off his face he couldnt navigate through it. Aston was incredibly distressed. Laura was yelling at him, and I just the kids inside. In hind sight I should have called the police then. But hindsight is just that isnt it?

the barrage of texting and calling continued, and I pulled the land line out of the wall. Finally about 11.00 I went to bed. Shortly after my big boy N came in crying, saying Mum, I'm scared that R is going to come back and try and climb in my window, so I tucked him in next to me.

About 12ish I woke to "VICKY HELP ME!!" I walked out to the door, and R was standing there covered in blood...and this was without the light on! "I've crashed the car. I need you, please dont do this, I love you more then anyone I have ever loved..blah blah blah blah blah...." I had my mobile in my hand, told him to sit the fuck down and shut up and called 000. They told me to get some towels to place on the bleeding. so I went back inside to get them, and L was standing in the hallway - wide awake, and on high alert. I just told her to not come any further, and that if either of the boys came down the hallway to stop them, and take them into my room. When I came back out I had turned the light on and saw the full extent of his injuries. He was not breathing really well, had a cut on his head, and his left knee was open exposing the bone, and tendons. I placed the towels on the bleeding, and walked to the end of the verandah to wait for the ambulance.

Apparently he had crashed the car, tried to call me, and then sent me a text. then walked to the nearest house with a light on. Convinced them to bring him to my house - something along the lines of "i'm on my home, my wife will be waiting, she will take care of me!" I have since been told this, because the wife of the man who brought him here called on the monday to see if everything was alright.

But I ask you....who the hell drives a complete stranger, bleeding, obviously altered, and not call an ambulance instead???? Needless to say I was pretty pissed off.

The ambulances came - and I told them the history of his mental health. He was begging me to come with him, and I refused. Once he left - the shock of it all, and the anger set in. HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY TO ME!!! By this stage it was 1am, and I called my mother, just so that I had someone to talk to so that I didnt disappear into outerspace. I was on the phone for three hours. Finally about 4am I thought I would be able to sleep. While I was waiting for the ambo's I called his brother, and he was so angry that even he said NO, he can go to the hospital by himself.

The next day I was not good. I disappeared into that place of horrible memories, and was in panic attack mode. i was disassociated...and feeling over and over all the times I had seen the domestic violence that I grew up in. My sister and brother in law arrived, and T just sat with me, and brought me back to the present. R had asked his brother to get some stuff from his place, so I went with him, and we saw the car. There were no skid marks. I truly believed that he drove the car into the tree.

I went and saw the police as well, and thankfully got a wonderful policeman who advised me about what to do with applying for a DVO. So I spent the next week spewing out the horrible things that have happened to me and my children over the past six years. It took all week because it was painful, and agonising. I feel so much shame and guilt for putting my children through this.

I am hoping that with the help of my counsellor that I can work on forgiving myself. I truly did believe that if I loved him enough, supported him enough, encouraged him enough I could make him better. But that Saturday night was my breaking point, and enough was enough. I can no longer do this. I no longer love this man. He is incredibly toxic, and if he wants to head down the path of self destruction, I have taken myself and my kids off the ride.

I lodged the DVO application on Friday. He had returned home from hospital on the Thursday, and within 5 mins of him being there started calling...both my phones. He was finally served the DVO on the Saturday night... and still called and texted....and is still texting... sigh.

The hearing is on Thursday. So looking forward to that!! But at least this a step forward. I have an appointment with family relationships to begin the childrens orders process. and in June I will be filing for a divorce.

I have withdrawn from my friends, simply because I dont want to constantly regurgiate all this stuff. I will speak to my counsellor. I think that is healthy. It is just for the moment. so that I can regroup, reassess, rebuild.... one day at a time.


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