Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The scars

I read this in another blog, and decided I needed to put it in mine. to remind me....

The Scars

Some years ago on a hot summer day in south
Florida, A little boy decided to go for a swim in the
old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry
to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back
door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as
he went.

He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam
toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was
swimming toward the shore. His mother in the
house was looking out the window saw the two as
they got closer and closer together. In utter fear,
she ran toward the water, yelling to her son as
loudly as she could.

Hearing her voice, the little boy became alarmed
and made a U-turn to swim to his mother. It was too
late. Just as he reached her, the alligator
reached him.

From the dock, the mother grabbed her little boy
by the arms just as the alligator snatched his
legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between
the two. The alligator was much stronger than the
mother, but the mother was much too passionate
to let go.

A farmer happened to drive by, heard her
screams, raced from his truck, took aim and
shot the alligator. Remarkably, after weeks and
weeks in the hospital the little boy survived.
His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious
attack of the animal, and on his arms, were deep
scratches where his mother's fingernails dug into
his flesh in her effort to hang on to
the son she loved.

The newspaper reporter, who interviewed the boy
after the trauma, asked if he would show him his
scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with
obvious pride, he said to the reporter, "But look at
my arms. I have great scars on my arms, too.
I have them because my Mom wouldn't let go."

You and I can identify with that little boy. We have
scars, too. No, not from an alligator, or anything
quite so dramatic. But the scars of a painful
past. Some of those scars are unsightly and have
caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend,
are because God has refused to let go.

In the midst of your struggle, He's been there
holding on to you. The Scripture teaches that God
loves you. You are a child of God. He wants to
protect you and provide for you in every way. But
sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations.

The swimming hole of life is filled with peril -
and we forget that the enemy is waiting to attack.
That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you
have the scars of His love on your arms be very,
very grateful. He did not and will not - let you go.

Author Unknown

finding beauty in the small things..

I have been reading every day the Louise Hay website healyourlife.com. I really feel that its a significant factor in me feeling better. Its good to read things that help feed your brain from a positive perspective. when you are someone like me, whose self speak is so negative that I have a tendency to see the glass as half empty most of the time... and not see the beauty in small things. I have conciously been trying to see the beauty in small things... and it has made a difference.

Recently my cousin, who is also a very good friend, put herself out there on my behalf to my extended family. I find it incredibly hard to ask for help. and she did it for me, and my extended family ended up donating money to me so I could get a little in front for a change. I have been living without a washing machine for months, doing my washing at friends, or going to the laundrymat. I tell you I never thought the sound of the washing machine washing in my own home could sound so sweet. I was able to get it fixed today, and it has done amazing things to my state of mind. I was also able to pay some outstanding bills, pay school fees, and get the lawn mowed, and will have the spider webs water pressured off tomorrow.

It makes all my health issues feel a little less overwhelming. I went to the specialist yesterday, and are booked to have a knee reconstruction. As a result, I'm intending on giving up smoking. Smoking and having a general are not good. Nathan bet me $50 that I couldnt do it. If I buy another packet I have to give him $50 - if I dont he washes my car.

While the elephant is still rather large, I'm slowly getting through it. I have to look at all I HAVE done, not what I still have to do. I'm getting through it... one bite at a time.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

New Year's Resolutions

Just went back and read some of my blog, and came across my New Year's Resolutions. Out the ones that are there - I have started to reconnect with my children, and have gotten a tattoo - two in fact :D Still need to paint, write, and clean the crap out of my life... that one is a work in progress I think. I have started on it... have got ridden of some of the people in my life that were baggage and hard work. As for the stuff... I keep going to do that one, and just get overwhelmed by the enormity of it, and get stuck, and don't end up doing any of it. I should break it down - into sections. I was going to say rooms - but even that is too big. There are so many wardrobes in this house... all with so much stuff in them. All with lots of shelves in them, with lots of stuff in them... sigh.

Maybe I should break in down to time. Set 15mins a day to do some. and come back to it the next day... yes that's what I'll do. 15mins a day. Starting to day. And I will start in the study. Three boxes - chuck, keep, sell/charity.

Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

butterflies...

I was watching a butterfly this morning. watching it fly. They flap their wings in short sharp spurts to direct them to a wind current, then stop and drift on the wind. They expend energy to get them to where they want to go, hope on, and let nature do the rest....

Think I should try being a butterfly for a while.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

feeling fuzzy around the edges...

that's how it feels. like I tingle all over. I'm throwing food down my throat, and iron tablets, and magnesium. in the hope that it will go away. I fell into bed last night at 9pm out of exhaustion. and woke at 1... sigh. finally went back to bed at 3am.

feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment. my beautiful cousin stuck her neck out for me, and threw it to the universe - and my extended family - and mentioned that I was doing so well, and needed assistance so that I could get the lawns done, and the washing machine fixed. and I'm blown away by the response... really blown away. and I cant stop crying.

My knee is incredibly sore. has been more sore since I started the physio exercises, and since I had the mri. laying there trying to keep still for 20mins was actually agonising, my knee locked up, and the pain since has ramped. I go back to the physio tomorrow, and back to the specialist for the results of the mri on monday.

Went and spoke to N's teacher this morning. He looked a lot happy when he came home this afternoon. apparently the girl apologised to him, so I'm pretty sure that N's teacher spoke to her. Hopefully that will be the end of it. But I'm glad that his teacher listened to me.

Laura came home very chuffed with herself. she tried to act all OH NO! about her progress report, but I knew that she was faking. She got mostly a's and a few b's on her report, and a card from the head of campus saying well done. only six of them were given to students. I'm incredibly proud of her.

I had a session with my counsellor today... which these days is more like a debrief session. She pointed out to me something that I do that I hadn't considered, and it was good to hear, about how instead of being angry at the boys, because I'm angry at their fathers, I actively try and make a difference in their lives. It wasn't something that I had even thought about. because their fathers have been such a let down, it makes me want to put MORE into their lives, be MORE present - not the other way around. and I thought about my sister and how angry she is at her son, and always has been because of his father... so I'm thankful for that. that I don't do that.and it was nice to have it pointed out to me.

on that note I will sign off with a quote that I read tonight from the healyourlife.com

No kind action ever stops with itself. A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees.
Amelia Earhart

 

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