Taking care of business

I went to the doctor on Wednesday and lost the plot... just cried and cried. In order to change medication that will control both the PTSS and Anxiety I have to come off my current one over a two week period, before I can start a new one. This is just not possible right now. I know if I even attempted it I would end up in a screaming heap. So we have compromised and she has given me another medication to control the effects of the PTSS - namely the feeling like a over tightened spring... in full flight or fight mode. This is ok for short periods of time, but for a long period it is completely exhausting.

It seems to be working. We also discussed a plan for me, and taking of me. I will go and see her weekly, and my therapist weekly as well. She wants me to exercise daily, and get some sun daily. apparently the Vitamin D in sunshine is good for combating depression.

Things with DH are still ordinary... day by day... sometimes moment by moment. There was a horrible start to the day today. When I got up - after having a crap night's sleep due to horrible dreams that had the monster in them - I went out to the kitchen, and there was an empty beer mug on the counter. I asked DH's dad if he had another beer last night, and he said no. I went to the fridge and there was a quarter bottle left in the fridge. I was unsure whether this was from the previous day or not... but I got angry, and was sure that DH had something to drink once everyone had gone to bed. Because I had told him uncatergorically that he had to choose between alcohol or his family! So I was pretty pissed off. When he finally got up I asked him... and he denied denied denied. swore on his mother's grave. punched the outside wall.... it was so much fun NOT! I just sat, and didnt say anything... Once he had calmed down, I said to him that He had to understand it from my position - I have NO trust for him anymore, and dont believe anything that comes out of his mouth... that the trust had to be rebuilt...

I don't know if there will be any resolution in this relationship... all I do know is for now that I have to make sure that I have tried absolutely everything to make it work... so I will wait and see if going on the ADHD meds, and going to counselling will make a difference. If it doesnt change anything then at least I know in my heart that I have tried everything, and can walk away from it with out and second guessing....

sigh.

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Sometimes you really cant see the forest for the trees...

Its true.
I feel like I asked for some guidance from the universe - and I came home after being at my sister-in law's birthday. I had an incredible and revealing conversation with one of her friends - revealing to noone but me... but revealing none the less. All she did was ask me about my children, and what were the best things I have done with my children, what were the worst... and I realised that I am doing right now what is possibly the worse. and that I need to do something.

I am feeling increbily overwhelmed at the moment. Like I could easily float adrift myself. my own mental health back ground is rocky itself. I suffer from PTSS and Acute Anxiety disorder as the result of historical sexual abuse. I have been in the dark hole of depression myself, where I wanted all the pain to stop so badly that stopping living seemed to be the only option. It was only because of the hand of a very good friend that reached out and threw me a life boat and I clamber in. She saved my life...and I did the rest. I have done the hard work, I have sent the monster to prison, I have felt the sunshine on my face after being so long in the dark I thought I would never feel it again. I think this is why I know uncatergorically that I have to leave. That I have to safe myself and my children. I have sacrificed the last 5 years of my life for this man... and my children's lives. And theirs is not MINE TO SACRIFICE.

I don't know if my relationship is savalagable. I am not even sure if I want to any more. I just hurt and are sad, and don't want to be any more. And just like if I had a horrible sore that was poisoning me if I didn't take action by cleaning it out, giving it medicine, and taking care of it...- I need to take action and take care of the sore in my heart.My DH's father arrives on Monday. I really don't know if having him here is going to help or not. But I am going to ask him to take DH away for a few days. I'm not sure where, or how. but I am going to do this. I need to BREATH and I can't do that with him in the house. I do want him to go to rehab. I do need to work out how I am going to get out of here,or if I need to, and he can just go. (And i need to write a bloody assignment for Managing Diversity for uni - and I cant do that with him here!!!! - yes I went back to uni full time to finish my degree and I am HUGELY p!ssed off that HE has done all this, when I am trying to achieve something incredibily important to me - thanks for the support richard- yeah right!!!)

I just saw a big friggin tree right in front of me - and the only way through it is to cut the fucker down!!!

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lights are on but there is no one home....

I realised this morning that for the last week I have been living in a fog. My body is going through the necessary survival things - to a minimum. I'm moving through the day but forgetting things... like - put a prescription in to the chemist - and forgot to go and pick it up. have been asked for various things like tweezers, cotton buds by my sister in law - have responded - yep will go and get them, then then completely forget. and these are only the things i remember right now. what else have i forgotten in the last week?

I put in an extension request for an assignment for uni. It seems that your husband attempting suicide doesnt cut it as a reason. I need to provide proof of how it affects me. so - if he had of been successful, and was actually DEAD would i have to provide a fucking death certificate????

I'm so angry on so many fronts. I feel like a volcano about to erupt... its bubbly away there, ready to explode... Have a had a couple of false starts - but I can feel it coming.

DH oscilates from saying the right thing to behaving like a complete fucking moron. I told him yesterday that he had to choose between alcohol or his family. No choice really is there??? but to an alcoholic there is a whole lot of debate, justification and bullshit. and what response did I get - the latter. So I took the kids and went out for the afternoon, in an attempt to stem the eruption that is brewing inside of me.

I took them to a lovely park with a great pond in the middle of it, and Aston and I feed the ducks and swans and turtles. It was bittersweet... wonderful, and sad at the same time. I wished that DH was there to see the wonder and delight that was on our little boys face as he interacted with these animals....

so I keep breathing in and out, in and out, go to sleep, and wake up, to do it all over again. living in a holding pattern....

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eating an elephant - again

I havent blogged for a while. there has been so much going on in my life. my relationship has been falling apart rapidly - DH hurt his back at work just over two weeks ago, badly, and has been in a lot of pain. it has added tremendous stress to our relationship, which was already falling apart.

On sunday it reach boiling point, with DH attempting suicide. We had an argument, where I stated quite clearly to him that I could no longer do this dance that has been going on for years - but worse in the last 12 months. That I couldnt do it to the children any more. I told him that I wanted him to go, sort him self out, and then we would see what happens from there.

he got very quiet, went to the cupboard got a cup, with a lid. I thought he was getting things together to take Aston. I was guarded, and on high alert. I didnt see him take the pain killers, but realised after he got in the car and drove away that he had taken them with him. I had no idea how many endone, or valium where left in the packets. I rang a friend, hysterically. She said to me ring the police. So I did.

he tried to slash his wrists while the police were here. in front of me. i was at the kitchen bench, and he reached over and took the knife that i had just used, and ran it across his wrist. everything went crazy then - i screamed and tried to get the knife off him. a police officer wrestled him, and he was handcuffed. and taken to hospital. which is where he still is.

fuck

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I think I can... I think I can... I think I can....

That's what the little red wagon says isnt it as it chugs up the steep incline?

My head is absolutely spinning. from excitement, and fear, and a little bit of sadness....

I'm excited because I recommenced my uni degree for teaching this week. I went to meet my mentor teacher at the school where I will be doing my prac for this year. It is a tiny little school p-10, with the "high school" being 7,8,9,10 totalling 56 kids. I will be there on a Monday afternoon, and Tuesday mornings. Monday's I will have y7 history, and a media class. and Tuesdays composite y9/10 English.

Wednesday's and Thursdays I'm at uni for lecture's and tutorials. Which leaves me with Friday to PLAY!

Aston is in daycare 4 days now... and I can't help but feel sad. He has a lovely time, but I am missing him terribly. Which is why I am keeping Friday's free to play - to catch up with my friends and their little people.

I am never good when everything changes... it takes me a while to feel ok about it all. Not only is there change happening for me, but its happening around me... My friend S has started working fulltime, so getting to see her is like organising a trek in Nepal - major work! Another friend N has gone from two car family to one car family, and is heavily pregnant, so am not seeing her as much as I used to, and yet another friend A is working three days a week, as opposed to the one she was doing last year, when I looked after her little girl. And then of course there is me, and the myriad of things going on in my life.

I had to pull out being a mentor for the EMMA program due to time conflicts. I'm disappointed about it, but in reality it is probably for the best at the moment. My head is spinning trying to get myself organised for all the reading I have to do, and try to keep everyone happy...

Oh well I guess I will just become a recluse for the year, sticking my head out when its school holidays....

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