busy living in the real world..

....thats what I have been doing for the last ten days. And it has been lovely.

M arrived at my house last Wednesday night, and has just left this morning. and I am heading down south this evening... no kids. so our holiday will be ending with rest and recreation sans kids.

Having him here for the last week and a half has been so .... easy. and comfortable. Watching him play with the kids, and watching the kids play with him... All three of them are more relaxed and comfortable with him. The little man was saying this morning that "No your not going home".

I received an email from Aston's dad last night, "if Aston has another male in his life now I would like to know who he is I think it only fair as if Aston was with me and I had someone in his life I think you would like to know, I’m not prying into your life just Aston’s ok so please don’t take that the wrong way."

I'm not sure how I feel about this. Have mixed feelings about it. Part of me can see that he has a point, the other thinks fuck off, its none of your business. At the moment the other part is winning.... I'm just going to sit with it for a few days, and think about it, if and how I will respond.


My gut says that I don't owe him an explanation in any shape or form......

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‘Are you spending quality time with your family?’

Motion Monday Challenge: Write a list of fun games and activities you like to do with your children, as a family. Include really effortless, easy to do activities as well simple and special outings. Then, do one different thing from your list with your family every day this week! Allowing that time to get together, even if it’s only a 10 minute activity will be very beneficial for you all!



One of the blogs that I subscribe to Mother's Toolkit also has a facebook page. I tend to use facebook more now as a tool to catch up on the things I like to read, as opposed to the mundane things that maybe going on in my friends lifes. So, whenever I come across something that I like to read, I also like it alot if they have a facebook page...

anyway.. that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is the above came up on my facebook feed and it got me thinking... and the answer to the question is No, I'm not spending quality time with my family. The next question is what am I going to do about it....

The best place to start would be with the suggestion...so here goes...

1. watching a dvd that we can all enjoy together
2..playing a board game - especially with nathan
3. going to the duck pond with aston.
4. going to the river and sitting in the sunshine
5. reading aston stories
6.cooking with the kids
7. palying with play dough
8 having cuddles.
9. going on picnics
10. going some where spontaneously
11. going window shopping with laura, with nothing in mind, and no where else we have to be...
 
I'll report next week and see how successful i was at the challenge......

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full moon...

yep, its a full moon tonight. And it seems that my cycle has moved into alignment with the moon. Guess it means I don't have to keep record of when I last got my period now, I can just google the full moons and I will have the date...

As esoteric as this sounds, the full moon always affects me, and not just my menstrual cycle. I have been reading a lot lately about honouring the feminine... instead of viewing menstration as "the curse" as it has been coined, celebrate and honour my ability to menstruate. And in doing so, I honour myself, and my feminity.

Its hard to do... to change those thought patterns. From the very first I got my period at 12, it has been painful, and horrible. I have endometrious, which adds to the fun of it all. But since I have been trying consciously to embrace the one thing that makes me uniquely female, the pain has been less.

Thankfully I haven't passed on the negativity associated with the uniqueness of being feminine to my daughter, that was a very conscious decision on my part. I didn't want her to have negative associations with it. And she doesn't. She was so prepared for it to arrive, that when it did, it was a celebration...

my little girl is not a little girl anymore

Posted May 9th, 2008 at 04:52 PM


Is it possible to feel that many emotions all at once.... yep - it is, and more.My little girl has just become a woman. I know I probably sound silly - but AF coming to visit her for the first time, is soooooooo incredibly different from when it came to visit me. And I am having a kind of proud mummy moment, because I know that Laura's reaction - which was when she got home from school at 4pm - guess what mum? I got my period today! Me - When? Are you Ok? Her - 2.20pm (lol) and Yep I'm fine. Me - did you have stuff with you? Her - yep, all good mum. I exclaimed excitedly, jumped up and down, gave her a big cuddle, and said ohhhhh my little girl has just become a woman!!! To which she rolled her eyes at me... lol. The fact that she was prepared, and not freaked out, and quietly and confidently all ok with it, makes me feel like I have done a good job in helping her to get to this place. I'm having a warm fuzzy moment. Much better experience then when I got mine period. I sat on the toilet howling, my mum was definitely not celebrating, and my little sister was unkind.... I'm a proud mother hen right about now.


She has none of the negativity that I have (and are trying to let go of), and consequently has no pain. She does get hormonally moody..which I think is a combination of being a teenage female and getting her period. Hopefully that will settle as she gets older.

I know that most of the negativity that I have,  is associated with my experiences that occurred as I became a young woman. The man who is my father damaged that part of me - that young woman. I was on such a mission for my own daughter's experiences to be different to mine, that I have forgotten to honour my own young woman inside... the one whose body image, whose concept of what love is, of what relationships are is so warped and damaged that it informed some pretty poor decision making on her part.

so today... as I begin to shed... its only fitting that I embrace that young woman inside, and help her to shed, the shame, bitterness, fear... and its in place fill it with love and forgiveness... and help her walk over the threshold of the past, and integrate with me...

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Learning how to dance again....

..... that's kind of what learning how to love again is like. Its there in your long term memory bank, waiting to be revisited. Just there seems to be a whole lot of firewalls in place, and virus protection  so as not to allow trojans, worms or players to get through....

so how does one discern a trojan, worm or player to the real deal? When you have had your heart shattered into irrepairable pieces, how do you rebuild something new, and shiny, and beautiful? How do you learn to trust again? Its all about risk isn't it? and choice. choose to sit behind the firewall and miss out on possible amazing opportunities for rebuilding something shiny new and beautiful.... or bring it down, and see what happens. After all, its a lonely place behind that firewall.................

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