Life on the hill: October 2010

Sunday, October 31, 2010

halloween...

... is not a custom that I have followed. It seems to be becoming increasingly popular here in Australia. The novelty of dressing up in costumes and getting a haul of lollies and chocolates being the biggest pull - and the reason to throw a party is always good as well.

I went reading about halloween this morning - more to confirm what I thought it was about. It goes back as far as the celts, and has grown from there - taking on more meaning as more cultures adopted as its own. the meaning that stood out for me the most was it makes the change of seasons, the end of one, the beginning of another.

so with that in mind - today makes the end of a season in my life - and the beginning of another... one full of abundance and richness, love, life and celebrations. I have much to be thankful for. and will constantly remind myself of that - to encourage myself to look forward, to "be not the slave to my own past. plunge deep into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far."

soo...

.... I'm not dying. I don't have cancer. Thank friggin god!!!

Had the colonoscopy done yesterday. Got there at 10.15 feeling like I had been hit by a truck. Self induced diarrhoea is more horrible - if that is at all possible - then the gastro type. Was feeling light headed, achey, dizzy, and downright revolting. didn't help that my anxiety was ramped. When I got up on the table to be sedated I started shaking. When I woke up, I was shaking, and burst into tears. The nurse who was looking after me was very lovely, and got why - without explanation - why I was crying. Unlike the specialist who was embarassed and made glib jokes. Some men just cant cope with tears.

What I do have is IBS. Surprise surprise surprise ... its more common in people who suffer from anxiety and depression. Have been doing some reading, and are going to keep a diary of foods and moods, and see how my tummy is as well, in the hope of being able to eliminate any possible foods that may be triggering it.

I spent alot of time crying yesterday. I didn't realise how much I have been holding my breath. The crying was a release I guess.

Also did some soul searching, and have come to the realisation that I need to step back for a while from my S-i-l and B-i-l. Its too painful, and hurts too much to be in contact with them so much. And to hear about things that R is doing - which is all the same stupid things that he has always done.

So one fire is out, will move on to the next one on Monday - dealing with being responsible for the personal loan that is in both of our names. Have pretty much made a decision about what I am going to do in regards to that one, but need to make some phone calls and find out all the legalities and reprecussions before I put it in place.

Having to dig deep at the moment for inspiration, motivation, and willingness...

"You can see the glass as half empty, or you can see it half full. You can focus on what's wrong in yourlife, or you can focus on what's right. But whatever you focus on, you're going to get more of. Creation is an extension of thought - think lack, and you lack. Think abundance, and you get more."

My life is abundant because:

right now, right this very minute, I'm laying on my bed looking at the most amazing view of the mountain, feeling a light spring breeze play on my skin, can hear the music my daughter has set up in the shed for the halloween party she is having tonight. Their excitement of having a party is contagious. Instead of dissing her little brother, and his delight at wanting to dress up too, she has eagerly embraced it and helped him get dressed in his spiderman costume.

my daughter is amazing. so incredibly different to who I was at the same age. She is passionate, forthright, confident, intelligent, empathetic.... and so much more. I'm blessed, truely blessed to have her in my life. She took the day off school yesterday to look after A while I was having the procedure done.

I am so lucky to have three amazing children... They make my life truely abundant, and rich beyond measure.

:-) feeling decidely better now... change the perspective and the view improves remarkably.

spinning...

...round and round.

my head that is.

trying hard to not get sucked into the vortex of worry... but not succeeding very well. I'm almost numb.

I hope that after Friday I will feel better. I guess that all depends on the result.

breathing out...

dizzy yet? This is what my head feels like....

when the sun is shining.....

.... it does amazing things for me all round. Not only does it get the washing dry, but lightens my soul, which has been heavy of late.

Quite spontaneously we - as in me and the three kids - went to Noosa Main Beach this afternoon. Had hot chips on the beach. Laura and Nathan swam together - I should have got that on film! Laura took Aston out in the waves, and he was both amazed and terrified that there were fish in the water. Him and Nathan played for ages in the sand, and I sat and watch the waves, and passerbys, and the kids. Soaked up the sun, enjoyed the freshness of being outside.

Was really lovely, and just what I needed. :-)

blogs

I love the things you fall upon on the Internet. Having become a blog whore I have found many new and interesting blogs of late. From the heart wrenching to the creative (she is so clever!!) to the inspiring - (how hard is it to just be nice?) to the honest and humorous, challenging, far reaching . I love that daddy's are now blogging too. Its both refreshing, and at times for me a little bittersweet.

I have no desire to cultivate a following. Quite happy blogging along in relative anonymity, but I admire the people who do.

42 before 42....

I was recently reading a blog, that had a list of 30 things she wanted to achieve before she turned 30. So as it is only 3 months until I turn 41 (where the frig has this year gone??? I swear it was only last week I was turning 40!!) I decided that I'm going to make a list of things that I want to do before I turn 42 - which gives me 15 months to do them.

so here goes:

1. finish the teachers aide course and have a job
2. sold some of my paintings.
3 get divorced
4 sorted out my health
5. be exercising on the Wii at least 3 times a week
6. Learn how to dance at dance classes
7. have a firm stomache
8. grown my hair
9. be wearing contacts lenses again
10 at least once a month be doing something that is all about me - massage, live theatre, etc etc
11. gone on holiday somewhere by myself
12. gone on holiday with the kids
13 fallen in love with someone who values, respects, adores me
14 saved $2000
15 have my tattoo on my wrist finished.
16. had my tattoo on my side added to
17. culled all the unwanted, un-needed "things" in my life OUT
18. have a vege and herb garden productive
19. learn how to crochet
20.be re-enrolled in uni
21.new tattoo on base of spine.
22. have finished all the unfinished projects that I have - or gotten rid of them
23. get a new bed
24. get a dresser
25. double bed for laura
26. nose pierced
27.make all christmas and birthday presents for this year
28 reduce internet/phone/mobile/electricity costs and save the difference
29. gone to dreamworld/seaworld/wet'n'wild with the kids on a mini holiday
30. looked into getting a new to me car
31 learn to salsa
32 start zumba classes
33 water colour painting classes
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42

changes in the wind

so another week passes.

I had to end up getting drops for my eyes - which once used thankfully cleared up the demonic look that was going on.

I had a friend and her two little girls come and visit for a couple of days, which broke up the monotony that is the school holidays - especially wet school holidays. Wednesday there was a break in the weather, and we all trailed off to the "duck park" as A calls it, and fed the ducks, and eels, and turtles. There were even a pair of swans and their seven cygnts which was a pretty cool thing to see. It was lovely to step back outside of my doldrums, and see the world through the little people's eyes. A got so excited seeing everything... to see that complete joy - was contagious, and it allowed me to play. Put me in a much better frame of mind for a little while.

I can feel my anxiety ampping up though, so I have made an appointment at the doctors as I am afraid that the AD's aren't working effectively anymore.... mind you I do have to take into account that this time of year is always particularly traumatic for me... even if it takes a while for me to remember why. I have been concerned as to why my body has been in revolt, and it wasn't until I had a dream and woke from it that I remember what this time of year is. Seven years ago was the trial... and not only did I deal with that, but I also seperated from R, packed up the house, moved house, unpacked and lost a baby. Anyone of those things is traumatic in itself, let alone all of them over a three week period. I think about it now and kind of marvel that I did it... But I did, and survived. just.

I have downloaded the diy-divorce-kit, and will print it off this week. There is no reason anymore to wait. Plus there is some financial stuff going on that I have to sort out. Seems R has gotten himself in a right financial mess - no surprise there - but I have to ensure that it doesn't affect me, as I have a joint loan with him, that he was supposed to be paying instead of paying child support... but he hasnt been paying it - or child support. So I have organised for child support to garnish his wage, and I will pay the loan. I am not getting a bad debt against my name because he is an idiot.

It will be good to finalise this - my Sister in law informed me the other day that he is convinced that I'm just taking a break and when I wake up to myself I will take him back. picture me smacking my head with my palm!! Hell would freeze over before that would ever happen.

with getting the divorce papers organised comes a sense of the intense need to get rid of stuff... stuff that I have been putting off doing because it was too overwhelming to deal with. I need to break it down into increments. set myself a time of half an hour a day to just CULL stuff. I also think that in the new year I might start to look for somewhere else to live... still undecided about this one though. But first things first...

I have been reading a book called Fearless Loving by Rhonda Britten . My cousin gave it to me, saying it changed her life - I have the feeling it is going to have a profound effect on me. It has helped me to see a lot of how I conduct my relationships is from a place of fear, and how I can change - from reacting to responding.... Its interesting, and very revealing - and sometimes very painful. But I'm glad that I'm reading it. I needed to. I don't want to keep making the same mistakes over and over, and getting the same result. Its time to change, and grow, and be.