swings and roundabouts...

been a bit like that since I last posted. up down and all around.

Things between L and I have settled down. The rules, and consequences have made a big improvement to the house overall, and I feel far more in control.

I went away for the weekend to Melbourne with Mr Darcy. Was so wonderful, and just what I needed to do. The change of scenery, and doing something that was just about me (and him) was brilliant. I know that I need to do it more regularly, and not leave it until I feel like I'm going to implode from frustration.

Mr D came for dinner on Sunday night, and a sleep over. It was the most amount of time that he has spent with me as a mummy. Was a little odd for me - he handled it on his ear - I on the other hand proceeded to drink most of a bottle of wine. :-S Anxiety was ramped....

The teen queen must have decided he is ok as she informed me the other night that when her computer priviledges return she is going to friend him on facebook - which I suppose is the highest compliment a teen can give in today's world.

N talked his ear off about gaming, and asked him to come and play a game with him - which is N's world means you watch him while he plays.... and Mr Darcy willingly obiliged.

A chats away to Mr Darcy, but is very very cuddly with me. Which I guess is to be expected.

We did have a lovely night, and the kids all went to school and day care the next day, and we went out to breakfast, which was very yummy. He wont be back until the 14/8 now, and I will see him after the weekend, as he is the godfather for his sister's youngest child, and the christianing is on the Sunday.

He is so easy to be with, its like coming home - warm, calm, welcome, relaxing, safe... and every time I spend time with him, I'm left wanting to spend more time with him.

falling....

Read More

endings and beginnings.

oh what an interesting week it has been....

Sunday I took L to see her Best Friend because it was her 13th birthday, and I had brought her a present from L and I and I wanted to see her as well. 13 is special. She lives about 20k drive away. Which when you are on as tight a budget as I am is a lot. Nathan was at friends so L, A and I went out to the friends place. I decided to stay and have coffee and cake with mum, and thought that it was better then driving all the way home, to turn around and go back and pick L up. Her friend ended up coming home with us for a sleep over.

 L has had an arsey attitude for months now, talking back to me, not doing what I ask - or doing it after I have asked a billion times, then doing it like I've asked her for the shirt off her back. She has been treating me disrepectfully and rudely - just like R...

She was a little smart arse for most of the time her friend was here - and a one time in the evening called me a bitch and stormed off down the hall way. I was on the phone to Mr Darcy, and had asked to be left alone for a while, when she saunters in, music blaring singing at the top of lungs, A in tow... end of phone call. When I called her on it, she replies in a smart arse tone 'can't you take a joke?'

Monday I asked her if I could borrow $20 off her until Thursday - well fucking hell!! it was a big drama... so I told her not to bother, after reminding her that I had brought HER FRIEND HER BIRTHDAY PRESENT!! she had also wanted her friend to stay another night, and I vetoed that.

Tuesday had to go to the doctor - was a fairly uneventful day until about 6.00pm when I asked N to have a shower with A - and instead of doing what I requested, he proceeded to walk into the lounge room, change the channel and start watching the simpsons. Needless to say I was not happy - and told him in no uncertain terms. He started back chatting me, and I challenged him, he still keep going, and I slapped him around the face. L was in her room, watching a DVD - when I had asked her to fold up the washing. I went into her room, turned the DVD off, yelled at her - got a mouthful back - and then it was on for young and old.

Something in me snapped.... after being treated so badly by R for so long, and being on the receiving end of disrespect from L - and N, and even A.... I just lost it. Completely. Totally.

Long story short - it was a horrendous night - ending with me, locking myself in my car so that I didnt do anymore then I had already done. I was so distressed at myself for behaving in a manner that I HATE, and have tried so hard not to be that person. L and I ended up in a physical fight, with her totally coming undone once I confiscated her phone off her. She very viciously and purposely broke my glasses, snatching them off my head and snapping them in two. I ended up ringing my SIL because I was afraid of what I would end up doing.

Thankfully both my SIL and BIL came over - and stayed the night. L said some incredibly hurtful things - that were basically mimcry of the horrible things R used to say to me - commentary about my two failed marriages, calling me a slut, that I was a mental case, and that my father was a rapist.... it was the last statement that sent me over the edge.

L went and stayed at SIL's house for a couple of days. I couldn't even speak or look at her the next day. It took me until the Wednesday evening to start to calm down. And until the Friday , and a session with my counsellor on the Thursday to be able to work out how I wanted to deal with the situation.

There are new rules in my house... written in black and white up on the kitchen wall. Clear for everyone to see - and the first rule is TREAT EACH OTHER WITH KINDESS AND RESPECT.

When L came home on the friday even she was very quiet, and read the rules, and understood what was happening. There is a three strike rule - three strikes equals one week grounding - which entails no phone/no mobile/no internet/ no tv/no socialising. The rules apply to both her and N.

While I wish it had never happened - in some ways I think it needed to. It has MADE me refocus and re-estabilish who is in charge - ME, and consequently I feel more in control, and a little less unanchored. I will be making an appointment for L to see a counsellor, as its important that she finds healthier ways to deal with her anger... and as usual, I will keep on moving forward, and learning not to beat myself up along the way....

Read More

Pity Party

one week down of the school holidays. one to go...

hate it when the days all fold into each other, one after another, with nothing much to differentiate one from the next... sign of boredom.

Went to my appointment with the Parenting Orders Program on Tuesday. Didn't that rip off a bandaid that I wasn't even aware that I had on. Rang KL in the evening howling down the phone... feeling extremely sorry for myself, and the choices that I have made in regards to the two noticeably absent fathers that my children have... To borrow KL's words - was having a pity party.

Picked myself up and dusted myself off and kept going.

Tired of commentary about my weightloss. Its starting to really piss me off. Yesterday Nat went to a friends place for a sleep over, the mother came and picked him up. It has been a little while since I have seen her, but she commented about my weight, and that I was looking gaunt.... fuck... then proceeded to ask a whole lot of questions about my situation - financial, emotional and otherwise.... the thing that annoyed me isnt it wasn't coming from a place of empathy - but a place of sympathy - and there is a big difference. I despise people feeling sorry for me. I don't want anyone's pity... the only person who can come to my pity party is ME.

And here I was thinking i'm doing ok... a lot better then I was six months ago... out of a emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, rebuilding relationships with my children, not fantastic financially, but ok - paying rent, and bills, and feeding and clothing the kids... feeling better about myself  then I have in years, on the receiving end of the affections of a very lovely man... and then someone looks at me with pity. hate it. it really got under my skin. makes me want to pick up and move. reinvent myself. confirms why I keep people in this small community at arms length, and keep all my friends outside of the community I live in.

sigh.

Read More