Saturday, April 25, 2009

Ask and it is given

I'm reading a book... in the moments that I can grab for myself called that. Ask and it is given. Based on the Law of attraction. So far it hasn't said anything that I didn't already believe, but its good to get a reminder, and start PRACTISING it.

Still in fake it till I make it mode... but unfortunately I physically hit the wall on Thursday night. It had been building, so I shouldnt be surprised, but I always are. I keep going and going and going until my body says RIGHT, if you are not going to stop, then we will make you. I completely blew my stack - yelled at aston, which I never do, screamed at Richarscreamed intod, and threw a box of wipes at him, and some tupperware, kicked aston's potty chair up the hallway, screamed and punched the pillows on the bed, thumped the wall...basically behaved fairly appallingly. I went outside, and attempted to calm down. Once I was feeling a little calmer, was able to give Aston a shower, and get him dressed, and have stories, and cuddles. While I was doing that, Richard ran me a bath. That day during our session with Anne, our counsellor, she had told him that as I am in the middle of a PTSS, I really need to be resting for at least 3 hours a day - not sleeping, but resting. being still. and how could he facilatate that. Having a bath was one of those things. I realised that I hadn't had a bath - a soak with candles and NO children since I had moved to this house - over two years ago.

Laura reacted - as she would, because her mother had just been behaving like a banshee - by saying to Richard, so do you think that running her a bath and crawling up her arse is going to make everything ok? hmmm. I waited while I lay in the bath, trying to focus on the candles burning and asking the universe to help R to respond appropriately. And he did. He just asked her to go away, calmly. She keep coming back, and saying more things. Not aggressively, but assertively. getting things off her chest, things that she has been bottling in. A little time passed, and I sent it out to the universe that he would have HEARD what she was saying, and would ask to talk to her calmly. He knocked on her door on two different occasions, and asked her if she would come out so that they could talk. But Laura refused.

I got out of the bath, and got dressed, and felt better for the soak. My body is so sore. my lower back and right hip are aching, with pain radiating down right to the tip of my big toe. Very odd. I knocked on Laura's door and said to her that I was very proud of her for speaking her mind, and staying in control. She didnt want to talk to me, so I left her alone. I tried to speak to Richard, and see if he actually had been able to understand what was going on... but all he could see was how hard he has been trying for the last month, and why was she saying all of this stuff now? I reminded him yet again, that how he has behaved, has not just affected him, that we are all traumatised, and all need to heal.

The next morning, he behaved like a perpetualent toddler, hiding the breakfast cereal that he had made for him, me, laura and Aston to eat. and actually stating well she can't talk to me like that.... sigh. After the kids had left for school he asks me to find out how much Child Support he will need to pay me for Aston, as he is moving out. I was gobsmacked... He went on to tell me that he had been trying hard for the last month, and wasn't going back to that place that he had been at, and Laura was going to put him there, so he thought it would be better if he just removed himself, and moved out. God I hate ADHD. I asked him if he had his meds yet.... and to maybe hold off on making that kind of decision until he had seen the doctor, which he had an appt for that morning. My body started to shake... even more then it was. At the moment, that is my constant state - hyperviglence, and shaking.

I got a text from Laura asking me if R was moving out, because Nathan had seen R looking up rentals in the phone book. Then she heard a conversation between R and I, which I was unaware of. I had asked him, if that was what he really wanted to do, where did that leave US. and that shouldn't he perhaps try a few other things before bolting out the door, that it was unrealistic for him to expect all of us to just forget everything that has happened in the last five years, all because he has been trying hard for a month!!!! (And I am proud to say that I did this calmly - after loosing the plot the night before- i had managed, some how to regroup!)

So I went to get dinner organised, and couldn't find laura. I rang her mobile, and she answered, Where are you? I'm not telling you... and hung up. I went into her room. my heart was racing, and my body was shaking. looked for a note... something. found a note on the floor in the kitchen. She had taken off. I grabbed my phone, and jumped into the car to go and look for her - not until after having to yell at R to stop polishing the glasses and read the note. It was dark outside. Thankfully she was only at the end of the driveway, 700m of it. But she wasnt getting in the car. No way no how. so here I am driving beside her, in the dark at 2kms an hour as she walks up the road. stopping periodically to tell me to go away. I'm not coming back. if R leaves then so does she... round and round and round. I was on the precipice of a full blown panic attack. I rang my best friend, so that I could talk to someone, so I didnt disappear. I finally managed to get her in the car. and we went home, but only under the pretense that I was going to take her some where else. I texted my sister in law, asking her to call, and speak to Laura. L and her have a great relationship, and I know I needed reinforcements.

I yet AGAIN spoke to R about how Laura was feeling, and why she was behaving the way she was. and that we needed to ALL have a conversation. Which evenuated... Laura sat curled up in the chair, listening very quietly, and nodding. R had said to her, because she didnt want to talk, could he put to her what he thought was wrong, and how she may be feeling - which was basically everything that I had said to him. and that she could stop him, or indicate if he was on the right track or not...

It ended with him giving her a cuddle. a real cuddle, and her responding.

So many fires....

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